Don't Take It Literally

Well, Diana and I are going through purchasing new furniture for our living room and during this process I got to do something that I never would have thought possible. I got to pull the rug out from under someone.

We went to one of those tent sales that sells rugs to look at portable flooring. You like what I did there? I made that up. Portable Flooring. Catchy. Anyway, while we were there, another couple was looking at rugs and found one a couple and asked the rug guys(who knew there were rug guys?) to pull both rugs out from two huge piles. After a few minutes the girl asks the rug guys to hold the rugs so she can go to another store and shop around.

The guy told her that he could only hold it if she paid, which was not going to happen. Lets just say that the guy was not happy with what happened. So we just happened to be looking for a rug and wouldn't you know it, we really liked the one the girl had picked. We bought it and thus, we pulled the rug out from someone.

My next goal is to find someone with a woolen hood on so I can yank it down, followed by dove hunting with a rock, but just one.

That is all,

Newt

It's Magically Delicious

It was revealed over the weekend that the Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore was Gay. This revelation came as something of a shock to me until the supporting evidence was given. Now, not only do I see it but I am very excited by this turn of events.

This does lead down a few roads that will definitely cause issues.

1. There will be an outcry from the Christians and Family Rights organizations. Somehow this means that every kid who reads any of the Harry Potter series will automatically become a homosexual.

2. This will be another bullet in the arsenal of things that make Harry Potter the devil.

3. There will now be an outcry that Albus Dumbledore is a pedophile. He was a closet homosexual who has secret passwords into his office that are always a type of candy, he surrounds himself with little kids, and he is constantly showing off his talents with his magic "wand".

All in all, the news was surprising but I think this can be a real advancement in Gay rights. For the last few years, there has been a Gay man heavily focused on throughout one of the most popular and well known children's literature series of all time. He is instantly recognizable to children and adults, he is familiar, and he is popular.

I must say, "Good Show, J.K. Rowlings". And way to go on adding another layer to an already incredible character. An entire generation of kids have now been exposed to an alternative lifestyle and have accepted a gay figure without prejudice. George Michael, eat your heart out.

That is all,

Newt

Have you met...Palmala?

So, Friday night Diana's company threw an end of year bash at the House of Blues and bought out the entire restaurant. They had food and drink, a live jazz band, prizes and a palm reader. I have always wanted my fortune told and I figured this was pretty close so Diana and I did a couples reading.

The reading began with my wife and I holding our palms face up to an attractive young lady who skimmed them with a small flashlight. She looked over both of us and through a series of glimpses, she was able to pick up most of our character traits. My ability to let things go, Diana's quick temper, the fact that I don't like to do things I'm not good at. She told Diana that she should understand that I won't just know to do stuff and that she shouldn't expect me to.

She was able to tell us a few things about our future as well. 2 kids, the first within 18 months and success in our careers were just a couple of things. She claimed that Diana would want to switch careers once we start having kids and I would stick with my career. That info was quite different than what we have planned.

The best part of the entire thing was the skepticism of my wife and her face as a perfect stranger was able to analyze her so well. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped many times throughout the reading. I don't think she expected to be so easily read. I know I didn't.

That is all,

Newt

I'ts Dripping Cold

I am typing this as a quarter of an inch of my fat gut freezes. Right before I logged in to this blog, I took a drink from a glass of water and three drops of water beaded off and hit my belly. I wasn't expecting it so, of course, it was so much colder than it should have been.

I hate condensation. It is the equivalent of ball sweat and it makes me just as uncomfortable. I don't really understand all of the science behind condensation but I will tell you this, every time I pick up a seemingly safe glass of water/tea and a little bead of sweat runs down and kamikaze dive bombs my chest, I just want to take a hair dryer and sadistically evaporate ever drop of water on the glass.

They make those plastic cups that you prevent condensation, but those are bulky and really limit the amount of liquid in one glass. Why should I have to suffer through the pearls of embarrassment that make me look like I am crying or lactating when I should be able to use any damn cup I want to drink out of? Who the hell do you think you are condensation? What gives you the right to urinate all over my shirt just because you get cold from the ice I put inside of you? Screw you!!!

At least with beer bottles I can smother your ass with a koozie. That always ruins your fun. But no, you can't keep your drops to yourself. You have to attack me just as I go to have a drink. And you even sneak a few in when I am drinking out of Styrofoam!!! Styrofoam? You are so wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Carpoolers and Heroes and House...Oh My

Well, I haven't written in a few days and the reason behind it is television has begun again. I have started my yearly tradition of watching two hours of television a day. This year I took on a few new shows.

Picking Daisies has turned into a real treat, Carpoolers is wildly entertaining, and The Big Bang Theory makes my Monday. Also, Bionic Woman has filled my Alias fix.

I have taken the plunge into a second season of Heroes. I love How I Met Your Mother, House, The Office, Earl and 30 Rock. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to know what my audience thinks of all the new shows on now.

By the way, Cavemen sucks.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Healing?

I had a random thought that I feel the need to share. What if you had the power to heal people but to do it you had to have sex with them, would you use your power?

At first, this sounds great. You can cure disease and get freaky at the same time. However, it also poses a few ethical dilemmas. I am married and if this power manifested, I would be forced to cheat on my wife for the greater good. Would she allow that? Also, both sexes get sick which means you would have to swing both ways to fix people.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Would you take your gift all over the world? If so, how do you pay for it. I did think you could "cure" rich people for money and then give your gift to the poor for free. Could you "cure" with protection on? How many babies would you produce and what would happen to them? Would you cure everyone or would you pick and choose. Would you only cure hot people?

If you have any thoughts, feel free.

That is all,

Newt

Fair Today, Hot Tomorrow

I gained 5 pounds yesterday. We went to see "The Lion King" off Broadway last night and it is being held at the Texas State Fair. Our tickets give us the option of going into the Fair for free but as I wasn't too thrilled about the experience last year, I opted for not going. We did arrive at the show with an hour to spare so Erin, Diana and I went to eat Fair Food.

I am not sure how many days of my life I lost by consuming this food but I can tell you that it was worth it. I think they mix magic in the fryers of the fair because it has to have something more than vegetable oil in it to make that food so delicious. In the course of an hour I ate

1) A spicy sausage on a stick
2) A corn on the cob (or butter on a stick with a little corn mixed in, I am not sure which)
3) Half a funnel cake
4) a Large Dr. Pepper that was way too sugary
5) and a couple of bites off of a corn dog that made me see God (or maybe that was just Big Tex. Does God wear a Cowboy Hat?)

None the less, I became fat and happy and it was cause for celebration. Though I couldn't actually celebrate because my fat ass was too heavy to move.

That is all,

Newt

Ode to Iced Tea

I can drink you morning, noon or night
You go with every meal
No coffee, soda, or juice will do
Craving tea leaves is what I feel

Lipton & Tetley make me salivate
Taste that tinge of brewed support
I even suffer through a Brisk
As a last resort

Oh tea leaf, don’t ever leave
I wouldn’t know what to do
Oh tea leaf, if you ever leave
My heart would break in two

Fin

Newt

The devil you say?

I had a random thought last night and ran it by my wife, but now I am going to pose it to you. I am hoping that we can turn this into a giant argument so be prepared that whatever stance is taken, I will immediately take the opposite.



The question I have is...


If a nun and a priest ever had a child would it be ultimately good or ultimately evil?


Be prepared to defend your position. Talk amongst yourselves.


That is all,


Newt

It don't matter if your Black or White

Well, now that I have started my new job, I will have stories. The first of many is that I met Black Trinity. Who is Black Trinity? Well, he is the African American version of me. Let me explain.

I was working at the comic book store when the owner, Jeremy, asked me to help this guy carry out some framed pieces of art that he bought. Myself and another worker carried the pieces out and I asked him where he was going to put them. I only asked because there were 6 pieces and they weren't small. He told me that he and his wife had just started renting a 2 bedroom house and when they got enough money, he was going to get his own room and put them up. Sound familiar?

Well, when I mentioned that I did just that he grilled me on how I set up my room. I described it and when I mentioned the giant "Attack of the 50 ft Woman" poster, his eyes lit up. He went on to describe how his wife surprised him on his birthday a few weeks ago with a Nick Fury Replica Gun. He had wanted it for a long time but didn't have the money to buy it. She bought it and surprised him. Are you getting freaked out yet?

Finally, the last piece of the puzzle on my doppelganger was found while meeting his wife. She collects shot glasses. Just like Diana. I am living in Bizarro World. I met Black Diana.

It is creepy to know that there are others out there that are just like me. Only they blend in better at a Revival Church.

That is all,

Newt

Everybodys working on the weekend

Well, I have finally hit a point in my comic book collecting where I had to make a decision. Either I cut back on comics or I get a second job. So, I got a second job...sort of. I started my part time position of 2 days a month as a comic book store employee at Titan Comics.

I started going to Titan about a year ago and I love the place. After Diana and I discussed my options on comic money, I decided to take a shot and see if they needed any help part time. Low and behold, they did. I am now working every other Saturday from 11:30 to 7. And, I get free lunch. Below is a pic of the store.

I worked my first shift on Saturday and had a blast. What did I do? I stocked comics, organized statue boxes, and filed comic books. Oh, and I had fun. I missed working in a comic book shop. I may never be able to turn my love of comics into a career but if I can further my comic book habit without breaking my bank, then I can be happy.

That is all,

Newt

Hey you, Susie Q

Well, week two of Dancing with the Averages went well last night. The main thing was I discovered a local Italian place next door to the dance studio that serves $1 draft and then include Shiner Beer.

Last night was a step up(pun) from last week. We went over our basic moves and moved on to a couple of more difficult steps. We learned a twisting move for our feet and then went on to learn a little step called the Susie Q. It seemed odd to me that a Salsa dance step would be called the Susie Q. It is pretty much just a bunch of cross steps to an 8 step beat.

I have to say that I am improving. The instructor made us dance with her and she commented to the class that I was a good leader. That's right, I rock. The most interesting thing was getting to see the intermediate class dance. It looked so much more difficult but still remained fluid. I am getting excited for next week.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day part deux

Well, my loyal readers, the title of this post may seem familiar as today is the 2nd Anniversary of my late Granny Nan's death. I wrote a post last year to tell about my Granny's death and so I again let you know I will be celebrating her death by thinking about her life.

I told Diana that I wouldn't be sad today and I am keeping that promise. I have heard of people reacting to the day of death as a day of mourning. I know that today is just another day in the lives of millions of people so me holding onto grief won't serve a purpose. So instead I will share a happy memory and carry that with me the entire day.

My Granny was a mean woman. I was constantly at her house and when I would bathe there, she had a ritual that haunts me to this day. I would sit in the tub for an hour taking a "bath", which means I would play with my Star Wars figures and my toy plane. I suppose you could say that I cleaned myself, but in truth I relied on the water to do the work.

Nan Vaughn always had different ideas. I had an inspection after every bath. I passed on almost everything except I always forgot to clean behind my ears. Who remembers that? I can't see or smell back there so what did I care? Well, Granny cared because as hard as I tried to convince her otherwise, she insisted on taking a wet rag and pretend the back of my ears were a pan with baked on grease.

She would pull my ear as far away from my head as she possible could and scrub until she could see pink. I don't know how dirty it was back there, but by the end of my torture session, I don't know how they could have been cleaner. I think back and wonder if there was ever any dirt back there at all or did she just enjoy messing with me. I guess I won't ever have the answer to that question, but truthfully, I don't want it.

So, if you have a minute and have ever met Nan Vaughn, just sit and think of her. She would have liked that.

That is all,

Newt

The Bald and the Beautiful

I have noticed an alarming trend in the media lately. Whenever I hear any commercials for hair growth products or medical treatments for hair loss the term used to describe it is Male Pattern Hair Loss. Where did the word baldness go?

There is a commercial on the radio that says just this. A guy is at a barber and asks what to do about his hair loss. The barber tells him Male Pattern Hair Loss is treatable. When did the word 'bald' become a four letter word? Is it up there with S#!+ and F*(k?

It seems ridiculous to think that we are becoming so PC that the term bald, balding, or whatever variation of the word hurts people. Your bald. It's a fact of life. Your DHT levels are high or low, I don't know which, and you are loosing hair. Embrace it. It will not end your life but it will clog your drain so keep some Drano handy.

There are enough bald people in the world that this shouldn't be an issue. And yet, it is. I can't get my head of luscious brown locks around this idea.

That is all,

Newt

It's a case of taken Identity

My credit card number was stolen and used over the weekend. Yes, you read correctly. I am a victim of credit card theft. I was notified of an odd charge on Saturday and by Monday I was cancelling the card because of a couple thousand dollars in charges.

Everything seems like it is going to be fixed smoothly so I am not worried. I don't exactly know how the number was taken but needless to say, I love Wells Fargo because they notified me over a $9.95 charge to a online book club and I still don't understand how they were able to pick out that charge as fraudulent.

I have decided that I wish I were a credit card thief. You get to buy all sorts of junk that you don't pay for and if your smart you don't get caught. The only downside is you have to have planned out all your purchases because you only get a two or three day window to buy everything.

I have heard from people that this process is a pain in the ass to fix, but so far I can't complain. I made three phone calls and I think I got it handled. I do have to wait for a new credit card but that's not a big deal. It is just a hassle I wasn't expecting to deal with. That's life for you.

That is all,

Newt(or is it)

That's not Spirt Finger...

Hola. I am in such a Latin mood today because last night my lovely wife and I started dance classes. Some coworkers asked me if I would be interested in joining them in a Salsa and Merenge class and I am not one to turn down an experience. We are now committed for 10 classes of booty shaking fun.

While I pretend to be able to dance and have wicked mad skills at the Dance Dance Revolution, I am not one to claim rhythm. Last night we learned the basics of Salsa and after an hour and a half they had us sidestepping, cumbia-ing, and spinning. It was slightly awkward towards the end though because we had to switch partners with every single person in the room so I was dancing with 9 different women that I didn't know.

I am definitely going to have to practice all week to keep the steps down. But, by the end of this I will feel like Patrick Swazie. So you better leave Diana alone cause "No one puts Baby in the corner".

That is all,

Newt

Da na na na na na na....Today is my birthday.

That's right, today is my birthday. And yes, I am gonna have a good time. By the time you read this I will have become 25. Shit that's old. I guess I should start saving for my AARP.

My wife actually surprised me with a gift that I did not see coming. I have always been able to determine exactly which gift I will be getting through a series of dropped hints, logical assumptions, overall ability to purchase everything I want and leave little left to buy me. However, last night I was mowing the yard and when I got done I was told I would get my gift. I grabbed a shower and spent the better part of my scrubbing going through the list of things she could get me.

Was I getting Scrubs Season 5? Maybe she remembered that I searched for that hard to find book that I told her about? Nope. She surprised me by purchasing me a bust that I have been lusting after for a while and one she had only seen once and heard mention of numerous times. I came down the stairs to a brand new 1970's classic costume Captain Britain mini-bust. If I hadn't just taken a shower I would have peed myself.

So apparently, being 25 is not too shabby. I hadn't even started my birthday and I had already turned a gift card to Half Price Books into a large amount of comics, and now have a new bust to put on the shelf. With all this good luck, I am afraid what karma will do to me to bring me back down.

That is all,

Newt

I'm a Superhero...well maybe not Super

I tuned into something today. I think I have powers. Now, I wish I could say I learned to fly or can shit fire, but no. Instead, I have determined my mutant super ability is the power of finding random things.

What kind of crappy power is this? Well, let me explain with examples. This weekend was my favorite book stores, Half Price Books, annual Labor Day 20% off sale. As soon as I heard this I knew (powers manifesting) that I would stumble across a used copy of The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. Mind you, I have been trying to find a used copy of this book for more than a year and have had no luck. Well, my powers were working because yesterday in Plano, I found one in great condition.

My powers were also working at the same sale when I stumbled across 40 issues of Avengers West Coast that I have been looking for. I have the first 45 issues but haven't gotten around to trying to get the rest of them. However, the day after I got a gift card to HPB, I happened to stumble across almost every issue from 50-100. Powers activated.

Today, I used my powers to find fifty cents. I walked by a pay phone and turned around and decided to check for change. I stopped doing that in high school but today I knew, that's right, knew that I would find change. While my powers aren't that impressive you can't argue that they are effective.

That is all,

Newt

The Chronicles of Pornia

Last night was a first for my wife. I took her to a porn shop. In a previous post I told of how during a radio contest for Harry Potter, I won a gift certificate to a porn store. Well last night it got redeemed and my lovely wife decided to go with me to spend it.


Once there, I learned a few things about my wife.

1. She has never seen a porn video

2. She didn't know what a cock ring was

3. She thought all porn had a story


The place we went is called New Fine Arts and it is very popular in Dallas. It is actually a well lit, clean store with private viewing booths and, from what Diana said, clean restrooms. It had a huge selection and you don't really grasp the girth of the Porn industry until you enter one of these places.


We spent about an hour walking around and pointing out interesting things. You can purchase silicone ass or vagina replicas of some of your favorite porn stars. There was a machine that had a bar that you could attach a multitude of attachments to for pleasure, and there was such a variety of dildos, lubes, pumps and condoms that it boggles my mind as to how many sexual devices are out there.


Another interesting event was reading movie titles. I think the most surreal moment I had was when I was reading titles aloud to Diana and came across "Cum Guzzlers Vol 5." I actually read that aloud, within earshot of other people and did not feel at all out of the ordinary in doing so.


I will keep what was purchased out of the blogosphere but it was nothing too racy. I was told, however, that I was not allowed to get a sex swing.


That is all,


Newt

Oh What a Night...Pt 2

Well, we can continue our journey into the night of Greek and Geek by telling you about the comic book art show. After finishing up our Gyros we headed to Titan Comics, the greatest comic book store I have been to, and I have been to a lot of comic book stores.

They were serving alcohol and snacks so we went in and grabbed a can of wine. Wait, did I just say can? That's right. In a night for trying new things, we found out that some company makes carbonated wine in a can. It is about the size of a grapefruit juice can and comes with a straw. It wasn't too bad if you didn't use the straw but I don't think I will ever drink it again.

Luckily, they had bottled wine so me and my lady friends partook slightly, I more than they. I am a glutton when I am not fitting the bill so even the cheap donated wine was good. There were two bands playing throughout the night but the comic book store wasn't the greatest venue as sound doesn't travel well.

The auction was at the end of the night and by then I had already put silent bids on a few items. I got an awesome Scott Kurtz sketch of Spider-man and Spider Woman that is now hanging in my room. I also picked up a new art page of Spider-man. All in all I walked out spending $90. The girls didn't have much fun but I did, and 33% is not a bad rate of return.

Now that is all,

Newt