Ida-HO Potato

Well, I was sitting around the other day and I started thinking, "How big of a slut is Mrs. Potato Head?"


This may seem random but give it some thought. She dresses in gaudy costume jewelry all the time, she is constantly being seen with a random assortment of faces, and she wears way to much makeup. Have you seen the number of holes that woman has on her. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if a G.I. Joe has humped up on her ear hole while she was gallivanting about.


And you know she can get a big load in that ass of hers. It literally folds open. Also, Mr. Potato Head does not come with a penis, yet Mrs. Potato Head comes with some lips(wink, wink). You do the math. I don't blame her for her actions. Some times people are just made that way. Truthfully, I'd do her. She has an ethnic quality to her. That light brown skin and that big ole booty. How could anyone resist, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral?


That is all,


Newt

Getting Stoned

Where has the time gotten too? I apologize for being so distant recently. Wednesday started the Trinity and Diana Summer Concert series. Dallas just got a House of Blues and Joss Stone was there on Wednesday. We have had tickets for a while and I have been really anticipating this concert. Why? Well, I am totally hot for Joss.

The concert was really good. The HOB is a great venue and really designed interestingly. It was standing room only so we showed up a little late and saw half of the opening act, a guy named Ryan Shaw. After seeing a couple of his songs, I was disappointed that we missed him. Joss went on around 9:40 and played for about an hour and a half.

Damn that girl has a voice on her. She sang most of her new stuff off of the latest album and didn't go too much off of her first two CDs. She had a lot of fun on stage and looked damn good doing it. I couldn't stop singing her songs for a couple of days. My one complaint was that she kept her bangs in her eyes and it made it unable to see her face. Other than that it was an awesome concert and I loved seeing it.

And to prove how British she is, she drank tea the entire time she was on stage. And she said Bugger. God, British girls are hot.

That is all,

Newt

Can I park here?

I meant to post about an incident that happened to Diana and I a couple of weeks ago but forgot. My fiancee and I went to the glorious shopping facility that is Grapevine Mills Mall. It was a windy day and we were struggling to find a parking spot. Well, we lucked into a space near the end of a row, as did another woman who parked two spots away. As we were getting out of the car our neighbor was pulling her huge ass car out of the spot. I thought she had decided that she couldn't fit in the spot when I noticed she was holding up traffic.

I looked and she had her window down. She looked extremely confused and when she saw me she asked "Can I not park here?" I was confused by her question and I said "Yes." She said "Doesn't that mean that I can't park here?" Well, I looked down and saw that red line that says 'Fire Lane Do Not Park'. You know the one? It runs the entire line of parking spaces so Fire Trucks have a clear parking spot for the truck. I was so dumbfounded that I just said, "Yes, you can park there. You just can't park along the red line." The look of common sense hit her when she realized how stupid that question was.

I just love the logic that this involved. First, the lady was parking at the tail end of a long line of parking spots. Somehow this woman thought that this one spot, way at the back of the line was supposed to be open when all of the other spots were full. As if a fire truck was going to park in the space and run their water hoses hundreds of feet to get to a fire. Either it is that or she thought that every single person that was parked in a space along that area was illegally parked.

Don't you just love the human race?

That is all,

Newt

C'mon baby, do the pro-ca-motion with me

Well, the position that I have had my eye on since I started at the Jarvis Press finally opened up this week and I was given the chance to interview for it. My boss called me into his office and said, "Trinity, Ashley has turned in her notice and there are two other people interested in the job. You don't have as much experience managing but if you want to we will let you interview for the position."

I was stoked. Ever since I started in printing the only side of it that interested me was the digital and now I get to interview for a position as the manager of the digital department. Whoopee!! I went in prepared and killed that interview. Yesterday I was told that I am now the head of the digital department. I got the position. I am ...middle management.

I am very pumped about this. Bring on the added responsibility, extra workload, and all that paperwork.

That is all,

Newt

Fuck you weather!

I don't have much to talk about except to say that the weather sucks. For the last three weeks I have tried to watch 'House' and every week we have had some freak weather situation that causes it to get preempted. April 10th there was hail, rain and high winds, April 17th there was bad rain, and tonight with only ten minutes to go until the end of the show a tornado started to form in Terrant County and now I don't know what was killing the girl in the show.

Would ten minutes really have saved anyone? Well, yes. But I am getting really sick of this. I have the guilty pleasure of watching Hugh Laurie be a dick to his fellow doctors and I don't appreciate that Bitch, Mother Nature, and her pesky winds.

That is all,

Newt

Momma, I'm comin' home

Well, this weekend is coming up and we are heading to Midland for a couple of Wedding Showers. This is the time where we get to start cleaning up. I never really understood the concept of a shower. I get having parties but why call them showers? Is it because people are supposed to rain gifts down on us? Let's hope so.

I am feeling a little greedy about all the presents we are supposed to get. We are awful because we can't stop checking the Target registry to see what we might be getting. Sure, we don't know who got us what, but we know that come Monday, I am going to have to buy coffee. Still, I am very excited to be with our family and friends to celebrate our impending matrimony. Aw, who am I kidding? I get a blender.

That is all,

Newt

Beggers can't be choosers? Why Not?

Funny story. Yesterday, my coworker Caroline and I went to lunch at Taco Bueno. As we were walking in, a man came up to me and said, "Sir, is there any way I can wash your window for some money? I need gas money for my truck so I can get to work. My 13 year old son is in the hospital and I drove up here and had to leave my tools in the truck. I have $1.30 but that won't even get my truck started."

I, of course, used the standard, "I don't have any cash on me" which was true. However, even if I had cash I wouldn't have given it to him. Now the funny part of this story is that as we were driving back to work I stopped for gas and thought about washing my windows. During this consideration it dawned on me, "The guy didn't have anything to clean my window with!"

He was empty handed when he came up. How the hell was he going to clean my window if I had taken him up on the offer? Does he have some secret hidden bucket and squeegee? Because if so then he came prepared, which means that he does this consistently enough to carry them with him. If he didn't then he was begging for the sake of begging and is a LIAR!!!

I thought about his story a little bit and if you are driving to work and don't have enough gas to get there, maybe you should try to rectify that before you jump in your gas guzzling vehicle. Also, what difference does it make if your son is in the hospital and what the hell does leaving your tools in the truck have to do with gasoline? Clearly the guy was trying to overload me with information so I would just hand him the cash.

Sucks to be a beggar in a cashless society.

That is all,

Newt

God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut!

For those of you that haven't heard, Kurt Vonnegut passed away on Wednesday. I have posted quite a few times about Vonnegut's writings and how insightful they are. When I heard the news I almost cried, literally. It is not very often that I get affected by something like this. Sure, people say "I was at home when Kennedy was shot" or "I was watching TV at my grandmothers house when the news came in that Princess Diana died" but this is different to me.

I just finished his last novel a few weeks ago and it was amazing. Mr. Vonnegut had a unique way of opening peoples eyes to things. In a previous post, seen here, I printed an amazing piece of writing about war. After reading Slaughterhouse V I will not be able to look at it the same way again.


It is not often that a writer really has an impact on you. They way Kurt Vonnegut mixed off the wall scenarios with amazing wordplay cements him into the culture. His insanity was matched by his brilliance and I will miss him. Though his website is currently halted in mourning, I recommend checking it out. Also, you can read a report about him from MSN which is very good.


That is all,


Newt

Where the Mild things are

Is it just human nature to settle? I hate settlers. Not the people who originally came to this country and got the land started. Those bastards were just crazy and I salute their curmudgeonicity(This isn't a word but I don't care). The settlers I am talking about are the ones that will just take what they can get and stay away from risk, adversity or challenge.

We all know people like this. They work with us, live near us and in some cases sleep next to us(No, not Diana). I just saw on the news that Americans who are 100 pounds or more overweight are the fastest-growing group of overweight people in the United States. This is settling. They look down and see fat and go, "Oh well". And anyone who come to the defence of the fat with the argument that "Some of them have medical conditions" or whatever bullshit you can come up with can just shut up. Fat is fat and the occasional medical case of obesity is not the majority but the minority.

Also, people settle in their jobs, love lifes, sex lifes, friendships, body, and entertainment. Examples of this range from the guy that says he is going to start his own business some day(I am guilty of this) to the people that watch Americas Funniest Home Videos. Tom Bergeron is a douche. How many times have you had mediocre sex? I know it happens, it happens to me some times. But do we stop, regroup and fix the problem? No, we settle for bad sex. Maybe this is a bad example because even the worst sex ever is still pretty good.

Maybe settling is something that was bred into us. Look at Adam and Eve. Adam settled. He looked at his options and said "Bitch took my rib. But what other choice do I have?" I know that aside from Hugh Heifner, the average human will not be able to get everything they ever want and probably shouldn't. But it seems that more and more people are becoming stagnant. If you don't use it you loose it and it seems that as a society we have started to loose it. I could go on and on but I think this is good enough. If that isn't settling then I don't know what is.

That is all,

Newt

Operator? Operator? I need to place a call to Melmac

Does anyone remember 10-10- 321? For a year or two, America was inundated with these commercials where somehow, and I am never quite sure exactly how this worked, you could dial any number of 10-10-### combinations and save tons of cash on long distance calls. Great actors such as Terry Bradshaw, Toby Keith, the dad from Family Matters, and yes, Alf were known to tout the greatness that was 10-10-321 or 10-10-220.

I actually posed the question to Thomas, "Where did 10-10-321 go?" Well obviously it went the way of the dodo because of the cell phone. Now people can make free long distance calls so poor Alf had to find a new job. Now he's on TV Land. And I'll be damned if Toby Keith didn't become a mega star.

That is all,

Newt

That looks like S#!+

A terrible tragedy has befallen the Wonder frog Dynasty. With our new house comes home upgrades and we are currently in the stages of painting the Master Bathroom. My homosexual side came out when I decided we needed to have an Accent wall in our bathroom that was to be Chocolate Brown. So, Tuesday night I was doing some secondary touch ups on the wall to cover what my base coat had missed. I was on a ladder when Diana walked in. She is in Canada and was packing for her trip.

She went into our closet, which is in our Master bath, and as I was coming down the ladder I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was one step lower than I was and fell backwards. In the process I grabbed the ladder and knocked a lid full of paint onto the brand new carpet in our closet. It now looks like a dog shit all over our carpet and dragged it.

Needless to say, I am now having to get more carpet for our closet.

That is all,

Newt

If I was Invisible...

No, I am not singing that Clay Aiken song, though it sure is catchy. First, let me start by saying that I believe my creative side is linked to my bladder because I come up with some of my best stuff when I am peeing. Case in point, What would I do if I could become invisible?



I decided that if I could become invisible I would eat a lot of beans and randomly walk around loudly farting next to really attractive people. If done correctly, I could make everyone believe that some hot girl let one rip and it would smell awful. I'm not kidding either. My farts can get really rank. They smell like liquid Ass.

Back to what I was saying, the possibilities are endless for my inviso-toots. You could wait until some guy was standing at a urinal and let a loud one go. No one would believe him when he said he didn't do it. Or you could get pay back on that girl that said no to you when you asked them out in high school by going to her wedding and as she leans in to kiss the groom, wet fart. That would teach her to turn you down.

The penultimate would be if you just inviso-farted in a room with only one person in it. They would be sitting there and hear one rip while they were all alone. How weird would you feel if you heard a fart and smelled it when you were the only one home. Creepy. Dammit I wish I could become invisible.

That is all,

Newt

Fenced In

We got a fence!!!! I came home yesterday and this Mexican guy was just putting up the last pickets on our brand new fence. Do you know what this means? I don't have to walk the dogs anymore!!!

As soon as the fence was complete I started doing yard work. I figured out how to turn my sprinkler system on, went to Lowe's and bought some hedge trimmers, trimmed the hedges and cleaned. What is it about having something new that makes you want to clean? I can only figure that it is because when you look at your shiny new whatever you got, you just want everything else to be shiny and new too.

Duncan and Hazel love their new back yard and I we can now start leaving Hazel out during the day. Hopefully they don't dig their way out.

That is all,

Newt

A True Scary Story

Last night Diana and I watched a horror film. Most of you may never have heard of it but it is a documentary about a cult that is hiding in middle America. The story focuses on kids as they are brainwashed into a dark religion of hatred and fear. They are placed into classes with other students and preached to about eternal damnation and the Devil.

Their parents, also followers in the cult, keep their children at home and teach them as opposed to sending them into the world of public school. You may have heard of this cult. They call it...

CHRISTIANITY!!!

The movie was called "Jesus Camp" and it follows a sect of Evangelical Christians as they teach their children the love of the Lord through screaming, threat of eternal damnation, and hatred of anyone that is different. You would just have to watch the movie to see all of the scary shit that goes on but for example...

There was a 9 year old girl who goes up to a group of black men and asks one of them "If you died today where would you go?" The man answers "Heaven" and the girl asks "Are you sure?" He says yes so she and her friends leave and the girl says to her friends "I think they were Muslim."

The ideas these people have made my mouth drop. I was so amazed at the fact that these people can blatantly make statements like "Christianity is the only thing that answers all the questions...If you ignore science and use Christianity." (this is paraphrased because I forgot the exact wording.) Or when the same woman teaches her son that "Global warming isn't a big deal."

While I normally shy away from organized religion because these people scare me. This is a radical representation of Christianity but it is the crazy people in any area that keep people away. When I see kids speaking in tongues it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to be a part of. Everyone should see this movie.

That is all,

Newt

Holy Lawn Care Batman!!!

Well I suppose I am officially a homeowner now. Sure, I have redone a few things here and there. Textured walls, painted, had carpet installed, etc. But Wednesday I completed a rite of passage known as "The First Mow".

I am an old pro at mowing yards but to actually own the yard I was mowing is quite a feat. To be more precise, I actually mowed weeds with an occasional blade of grass thrown in. My mother-in-law to be was kind enough to give us her lawnmower, weed eater and blower so I was all set. My yard being so small, it didn't take long to finish.

Yesterday I went out and bought a spreader and some weed killer/fertilizer and put that out so hopefully I can get a lush green yard instead of a plot filled with weeds of unknown origin.

That is all,

Newt

Sangria, the hidden dangers

Yesterday, Diana and I were running around and found out her dad was coming to Dallas for Spring Break. They were coming to look at the house so we rushed home to meet them. We came in and the house smelled really wheaty, almost as if a beer had been spilled and left to sit. Diana started giving her dad and step mom the tour when I found the cause of the smell.

My good buddy, Dan had given us a bottle of White Sangria for Christmas and I had sat it on our bar in the wine rack. I walked into the dining room to try to locate the smell when I saw a cork laying near the wall. I looked at the bar and the bottle of Sangria was empty.

I don't know why but during the day, the bottle popped its cork and since it was on its side, began to pour all over our bar, table, and floor. It took forever to get cleaned up and I had to throw the runner that was on the bar in the trash. I even had to take the bar apart to get all of the Sangria that had leaked into it.

Needless to say, our floor is sticky. And not in a good way.

That is all,

Newt

Not the taste, or the smell...It was the texture

Well what a crazy weekend. My dad, Tebo, came down to the big D this weekend to help me texture our bathroom walls. Boy was I glad because I am fairly certain that I would have failed miserably at it had he not been there. We went to Home Depot and rented a hopper to texture with and by Saturday at 1 we, and by we I mean mostly dad, were finished.

We spent the rest of the day hanging with Cousin Kristy and I finally went to one of the bars around my house. I have been hoping to find a place to go for a beer that wasn't ridiculously expensive or far away and I think I may have found such an Oasis. It is called The Sterling Bar and Grill and holds pool tables, shuffleboard, and moderately priced beer.

The best part of dad's visit was after we got back from the bar. Diana and I own this game called Charoodles. It involves using props and playing Charades. You get a series of things to act out and have to use one of the props during your actions. Well, Dad got 'Superhero Abilities' and if you have never seen a 52 year old man try to act out Mind Reading, Invisibility(in which he went and hid behind a wall), Flight, and Super Strength then you have not lived. The best part is his face every time Diana guessed an answer correctly.

To finish off the weekend, Dad installed a dog door in our back door before going back to Midland. I was so happy to have his help because I would not have been able to get the things done that we did without him.

Thanks Dad,

Newt

Captain America R.I.P.

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Captain America was killed in issue 25 of his series. While being escorted from prison following his surrender at the end of Marvel's Civil War, a sniper working for Cap's Arch nemesis, the Red Skull, shot him through the chest.

In the commotion, Captain America's girlfriend, Sharon Carter, shot him three times in the stomach. I know, what a bitch. But cut her some slack. She was under the control of the Red Skull at the time. How would you feel if you killed the man you love and had no control over it.

The reason I am writing this post is that this story has hit the media and made a big stink. I was reading some responses to the MSN story and people were saying that killing Captain America was political and unAmerican. That Marvel made a mistake in killing him since we are at war. I have also read people say that this is all a ploy to sell more comics.

To this I say, "No Shit!" That's what Marvel does. It sells comics. And fuck you, public opinion. Your opinion is ridiculous. Almost all of the people who have commented on this story don't even read comics. They weigh in on his death but they don't read. Why the hell do you care? You haven't been reading it. You read the story online and thought, "Well that's unAmerican. They destroyed a symbol of freedom." Bull. People make me so angry. They comment on things that they don't know about and try to make it sound like they care.

You can watch an MSN report on it Here. And an interview with the writer of Captain America, Ed Brubaker Here.

That is all,

Newt

Tuber...It's not a Tuber

What is up with the soggy fry? Diana and I went to Whataburger for breakfast last week and I got fries and low and behold, there was a soggy fry in the fry container. Having worked fast food for years I never could understand why people under cook the fries.

First, french fries are to stay in really hot grease for 3 to 3.5 minutes. If you are in a hurry, 2.5 minutes will do but it just never tastes as good. I understand the term is 'Fast Food" but who can't wait that long?

Second, there is this disdain for the world that occurs when you have been eating crispy, salty fries and you reach in and grab a soggy spud. I mean, c'mon. Cook all the fries. I shouldn't have to miss out on that heart clogging goodness just because Rosita, the fry lady can't keep her fuckin' basket in the oil. It has a timer Rosita, a timer! That means you don't pull the baskets out until the beep!!! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FRIES, ROSITA!?! YOU STUPID BI...

Whoa, that got out of hand.

That is all,

Newt

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt