Where's Waldo?

So I had this awesome conversation with Erin on Sunday about Where's Waldo. You guys remember Waldo? He was that strange guy that would always go to huge raves and dress out of place. He sporadically showed up in group photos; he was always peeping out of random areas.

Well, Erin was telling me about a classmate of hers that came to school on picture day dressed as Waldo and when the yearbook was done, he had hidden himself in some of the photos and would go circle his picture when he signed your yearbook. That is genius.

Well, this begs the question: Where's Waldo? He was so popular when we were in grade school and now it seems like the books where kids find stuff has disappeared. I would love when a new Waldo book would come out and I would try mercifully to determine where that guy was. And does anyone remember his dog Spot? That was such a clever name. I love that guy.

That is all,

Newt

23' Skiddooo!!!

On Tuesday, my friend Allison and I got to go see the premiere of 'The Number 23' with Jim Carrey. It was pretty good though it was less about going mad and more about figuring out the history of the book that the number comes from. And it was no where near as bloody as I had hoped.

But that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is going to an advance screening and all that is involved. First, you have to get there really early. If you don't, you won't make it into the theatre. I got to the theatre an hour and a half before the start and there were already people there.

Second, there is this subset of the movie going population that are constantly at movie screenings. Two of the people standing next to me were in this little club. I say club because one of the guys was actually in a movie review club and would go to advanced screenings and then write reviews. He said he has been going to screenings for 21 years.

If you know where to look, you can find all of these free tickets if you read certain websites and newspapers. Then, you can just go to all the free movies you can fit in. It is actually a pretty genius idea. You get to see movies that haven't even been released yet for free. Pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

Thumbstruck

Well, I went yesterday and got a classic controller for my Wii and downloaded Mario Kart 64 and Street Fighter 2. So my post is going to be about the up/down/left/right buttons on the old game controllers.

I have never been very good at fighting games but when I used to play Street Fighter I could always make Chun Li do her kick ass flying kicks. Well, apparently that is no longer the case. With the advent of the joystick on the controller I have sadly lost my ability to use the old U/D/L/R controller. I tried and tried to make her do a spin kick but couldn't. But I did remember...

Back in the old days there was a thing called combos. This was where a player would have to hit crazy button progressions to make a fighter do something, the most memorable of these being the 'Fatalities' in Mortal Kombat. Why was Kombat spelled with a K? Anyway, I guess I emptied my brain of all of the old moves you had to do in Street Fighter because when I played last night, all I could do was punch and kick. I had to set the game to zero difficulty just to beat Ryu.

I wonder if our thumbs have slowly become desensitized to the combo. Sure, they still exist. But they are no where near as elaborate as they used to be. I miss being 10.

A, B, B, Up, Right, Down, X, Y, X.(this means That is all)

Newt

Spit Happens

Have you ever been driving down the road and you generate a lugy that you subsequently must spit out the window? I know I have. This week I have had a lot of drainage from a cold of some degree and constantly have to spit. In one instance a couple of days ago I was driving and got this monstrous lugy. I rolled down my window and aimed but when I spit I missed the extremely large open window and hit the top of my door.

Now I don't know if any of you have ever missed when spitting but it is disgusting. You can't roll up your window because then the spit will just slide down the glass. Of course I was driving so I also had to clean it up while on the road. Even worse, it dripped down onto the arm rest.

Imagine if you will: I spit, cold air coming in the open window, snotty saliva drips down, I have my left arm hanging in the air so I don't put my elbow in it all while driving down the highway. Fun.

That is all,

Newt

Yesh, Officer I do love my fiancee...

Well, It's Valentines Day and I just thought I would tell you a little story. Diana finally surprised me with a gift that I didn't guess I would get. I got a box in the mail a few days ago and was forced to wait until this morning to open it. I got Diana a 6 month membership to the Wine of the Month club, where you get two bottles a month from various wineries.

I was very excited about opening my present. I had made plenty of guesses as to what was inside. It is very rare that I can't guess what I get which annoys Diana to no end.


Well I was very surprised at what I got. I got the Alcohawk Breathalizer. Screw Chocolates.

Thanks Honey,

Newt

Hurling down the street...

Today's post is being written to discuss eating after puking. Saturday, my dear cousin Kristy and I went to Austin to visit our cousins Micheal and Daniel. We left Dallas on Saturday and drove back on Sunday. Saturday night was crazy and I went overboard in my alcohol consumption and proceeded to Drunk dial people, proclaim that I am a Sex God, and subsequently pass out.

Surprise, Surprise. I had a hangover on Sunday. I woke up puking and didn't stop til around noon. Thank God for Pepto Bismal. Now that all that has been discussed, we can go into our real topic.

It occurred to me yesterday that when you have been violently ill, eating is the last thing you want to do. But there is always this moment where your stomach finally says, 'You know, I have been pushing stuff out all day and I think I'm ready to start putting things back in'. Does anyone know what I am talking about? You go from nauseous to hungry and the first bite of food is tricky, then it gets a little bit better. You build up until you can actually eat and that food is so great.

My threshold food as Whataburger. I ate a little and stopped just in case I got sick again. About an hour later, I was starving and Kristy stopped at another Whataburger and I got fries and a shake. Salty fries and a chocolate shake are such a good hangover snack. The celebration my stomach had over those fries made them taste like they were the greatest fries ever.

Every thing I ate after that was good. All because my stomach was so empty that nourishment was appreciated so much more.

That is all,

Newt

An Evening with Bill Clinton

As some of you may know, I am a lucky bastard when it comes to winning crap on the radio. Tuesday was no exception. I played a random game on a talk station I listen to(105.3 Free FM) and won two tickets to hear Bill Clinton speak at the Nokia Theatre in Grand Prairie. Democrat Diana was out of town so my dear Elephant supporting cousin Kristy and I went to hear him last night. Much to our surprise, we actually enjoyed it.

I have fallen away from the Republican party somewhat over the last couple of years and have become quite passive in politics. I think this allowed me the ability to enjoy what President Clinton had to say.

It was a very un-partisian speech. His main topic was discussing Americas Global image and what he felt were some important issues and how to face them. There wasn't any Republican bashing and very little Democrat praising. Instead he went over the numbers(more than likely skewed in his favor) of how America is viewed around the world and how we could be doing more to fight AIDS, Tropical diseases, Global Warming, etc. He laid out a case for peace through talking and his opinions on avoiding war when possible.

The night consisted of a speech of about an hour and a half followed answering questions that the audience had submitted. The host for the night was extremely irritating, constantly kissing butt. He actually said, "When I told people I was coming here to host this event they told me 'you're the luckiest guy in the world' and 'this is the greatest day in your life' and as I stand here I have to say that they were right'. Imagine a Inside the Actors Studio for the President.

We did leave before it was over, but that was because I had to work early and needed to sleep. I am very happy to say that the evening exceeded my expectations.

That is all,

Newt

Squirrels are evil!!!

I got my truck back today and I didn't get screwed over nearly as bad as I could have. However something strange was discovered in my engine. What was it? Dog food.

That's right. Dog food was found under my hood. It was solid black. Also found was red fur. So the wires that had been chewed on appeared to be done by a dog food stealing squirrel. I can only assume that while we were living at the apartment, a squirrel was taking up residence in my engine.

The mechanic freaked me out because he told me he found a squirrel in the engine. Then he reached for a Sonic cup and I was really afraid he was going to show me a dead squirrel carcass. Instead he had a full cup of dog food that looked like it had been soaked in coal.

So now my truck is running again and I am squirrel free.

That is all,

Newt

My Flux Capacitor needs replacing

I think I might be getting hosed. My truck's inspection was due and I ran to the local oil change place to get it taken care of. The guy came back and told me that it didn't pass. When I asked why, he went into this weird explanation of how the Flibity gibit wasn't working correctly. I say Flibity gibit because he used some Acronym that I had no clue about. Finally I got him to explain that some seal was not pumping air in the right manner and it was causing my emissions to under perform, and in Dallas, that is a big problem.

Then he was showing me what parts he was going to replace and then found that some of the wire casings had been bitten through by mice. So I need to get them replaced. Finally, I just had to leave the truck and get the mechanic to drive me home.

It sucks to be auto deficient.

That is all,

Newt

Movie Night with my new lady

Tonight, Hangie and I stayed in and watched a movie. Really, I watched and she just stayed at my side. She is so loyal. We watched 'Airplane', which was very funny. She didn't seem to get it though. I tried to ask her what was going on but she just told me to "Talk to the Hand." But that's what I was trying to do!

I persisted in asking her what was the matter and she gave me the finger. Sometimes it feels like such a job to communicate with Hangela; I didn't sign up for a Hang job but I guess that's what I get.(That's right, I did it. You all loved it and you know it.)

Hangela and I did make up though. After what felt like hand to hand combat, she finally realized she was being silly. She told me she felt like we were meant to be together, and we were.

That is all,

Newt

I'm cheating on Diana!

It's that time of year again. Diana has gone to L.A. (no, not Louisiana) and I am on my own again. This means that my yearly affair will start up again. The worse part of my indiscretion is that Diana knows the other woman. In fact, they keep in touch regularly.

I have known her for years. We have been off and on for a long time and in fact, she was my first. In times of need, I go to her. We go everywhere together. I have been carrying on behind Diana's back in our home while she is away. Honey, when you read this I just want you to know I love you.

My new girlfriend's name is...Hangela.

That is all,

Newt

"Not in the face, Not in the face"

Random thought. How many porn stars have been injured on the job? I can assume that there is the occasional broken bone(pun) and from time to time a VD, but I would like to bring to light something that I think plagues the porn industry: Eye problems.


"Why would they have eye problems?" you ask. Well, I have done extensive research in this area and have begrudgingly sat through many videos and determined that there has to be multiple semen/eye injuries. I actually sat down and tried to find a medical study on the number of causes of eye infection/blindness caused by bad aim and a happy ending, but couldn't locate any info on this. It has to exist.


It is a common occurrence for ejaculation to happen on someones face during a porn video. Also, semen can exit the body at a fast rate. You normally get between .5 to 1 teaspoon in volume, with an average of 3 to 10 spurts per event. These spurts happen every .8 seconds. Now, I don't know about you, but if someone were to shoot a water gun at my face every .8 seconds, I would be afraid to get blinded.


Also, I read that this can cause the clap in your eye. OWWWW!!! It seems like they must get a bonus for getting a facial or something. They should really issue safety goggles when they perform. Well, now that I have thoroughly disgusted the majority of my readers,


That is all,


Newt

When I grow up...

Do you remember in school when your teacher would make you write down what you wanted to be when you grow up? If so, are you what you wanted to be? I am currently not the owner of T-N-T Comics so I have fallen a little short on my original goal, but it's still in the mix. It has just been pushed back due to realism.

It seems kind of funny to think that we ask 8 year olds to choose a path. I know when I was 8, I had a ton of cool things going on but I wasn't sure where I would be working in 15 years. Maybe we should just all be assigned generic professions as babies. You know, "Trinity, you are on the path to being a concert pianist; Diana, you are going to grow up and become a grave digger; Thomas, you will become a male prostitute."

Who knows, maybe unemployment would be down because kids would automatically be prepared for a job and then we wouldn't need so many public servants while simultaneously having so many burger flippers.

I know this is stupid. That's the point. Kids change. Someone might want to be a nurse and then realize accountancy is a better choice(Diana). Hell, children shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions so early in life. Not that its a bad idea to ask, just don't expect them to stick to it.
That is all,

Newt

Meatlifters

I recently read that meat is the number one item stolen by shoplifters. People go to the grocery store and put sausage next to their sausage, rump roast against their rumps. You can read the article here.

It seems the main perpetrators are women between the ages of 35 and 54. They go into the store with enough money to guy lower quality meats and then will steal the higher end stuff. One motivation is the meatlifters feeling that they 'deserve' the better meat and will take it.

Research indicates that they will steal the meat because they get gratification from eating the stolen item. Were they to take, say, a box of crackers the gratification is less than eating filet mignon. The best part is that grocers have no idea how to stop them. Some methods are too expensive while others would hinder the impulse buyer. No matter what they do, their mincemeat.

That is all,

Newt

Pan's Labrynth - A review

Have you ever found a movie that really changed the way you look at a genre? Something that mixed things that you would otherwise never put together, and do it in a way that made sense and told an awesome story? Well, Diana and I went to see a foreign film today by director Guillermo del Toro called Pan's Labyrinth.

It is set after the Spanish Civil War, following a young girl who discovers she is actually the princess of a magical kingdom. She must complete three tasks to open the doorway and enter her kingdom. All the while, a revolution is being fought around her as she must deal with her mothers dangerous pregnancy and a Stepfather who is Captain of the Spanish Army.

This story is not for the squeamish. The violence is on par with Pulp Fiction or, more recently, Sin City. It is a unique blend of Fantasy, Violence, and Tragedy. The story is really interesting and keeps you involved. Sadly, this is a limited release so you might just want to go add it to your Netflix. Unless you are in a large metropolitan area, you probably won't get to see this; and that is your loss. 5 Star movie.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. It is subtitled. If you can't read and watch a movie then don't even bother. Hopefully I don't know anyone like that, but you can never tell.

Has anyone seen a Turtle?

I have been meaning to post on this for a few days now. I was recently thinking about 'Saved by the Bell' and I realized that almost all of the original cast members from that awesome show have gone on to be celebrities. Zach stared in NYPD Blue, Slater hosted some stupid animal talent show and then Danced with the stars, Screech had a sex tape come out. I could go on and on but I now have to ask, "Where is Lisa Turtle?"



Does anyone know? She was the only black character on a predominately white show and after the last episode she vanished. First off, her name was Lark Voorhies. Did anyone know that? I was able to name every cast member but her. I IMDB'd her and she has had a couple of small roles but they were all in Black-esque TV shows. Why was her fame taken from her?

We should start a grass roots campaign to get Lark more roles. I mean, if Elizabeth Berkley can get a role dancing on a pole as a stripper, can't she?

That is all,

Newt

Is White always right?

So, I was sitting in the place where I do my best thinking, the toilet, and I thought of a question for the ages. Why does toilet paper only come in white? While I am sure that there has been the rare occasion where another color of toilet paper has been made, it is still a predominantly white product.

Now, I know that it is possible to make colored tissue. Kleenex offers tons of different makes and models for their brand of facial tissue. With the constant need for people to make things match, you would think that Charmin, Angel Soft or hell, Sam's Choice would have gotten on the ball with this and make some new choices.

I would really like to see someone come out with a plaid toilet paper. I would totally wipe my ass with plaid.

That is all,

Newt

Et tu Satchel Bag?

Well, apparently Hazel reads my blog because when I got home last night I smelled poo. A flower vase was knocked over and flowers were strung all over the house. The bathroom trash was dug out and I saw our back bedroom open. I opened the door and sitting on the floor was my Spider-man Satchel Bag covered in dog crap.

This wasn't one turd either. This was a large number of turds. I had to pick them up and it made a hand full. I couldn't believe it. Needless to say, she is being crated today as punishment. As for my satchel bag, it smells like poop and I don't know how to wash it.

That is all,

Newt

Not on my futon!!!

This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, I started walking around and closing all of the doors. I went into the bedroom where I keep my comic books, my Fortress of Solitude so to speak, when I happened upon something strange. Smack dab in the middle of my futon was a pile of dog crap.

I looked at Hazel, I knew it was her because after a certain point you can tell whose dog poop is whose, and she cowered. I have had to shit pretty badly, and at one point I even let a wet fart slip while in bed, but to conciously pop a squat on a sheeted futon just blew my mind. Luckily it came off without a stain and I was able to flush it but I couldn't get over the fact that my dog jumped up on my couch and let fly. Why not on the floor?

That is all,

Newt

Registration, it's the Law

Just like the Japanese in WWII, we went and registered today. Diana and I had loads of fun registering for all sorts of stuff that you, the masses, can now purchase for us at reasonable prices. We tried to keep everyone's finances in mind while aiming our little laser gun at all the barcodes.

We ran into two other couples who were also registering. Amazingly, it seems that if you give a man a laser gun, he will shoot it at you. One of the women, no not Diana, was having a hard time keeping her fiancee focused on the task at hand. I too was having trouble staying on task. I kept scanning Diana's boobs and saying "I need two of those."

You can click here to start buying us stuff. Hint, Hint. For those of you buying stuff online, please just mail it to us. We don't want to have to carry a ton of stuff home.

That is all,

Newt