Fresh Man 15

I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I had lost another 5 lbs. I was really surprised due to my lack of self control last week. I have put myself on a 1200 calorie a day diet for the past month and last week, I only kept to that count once. So low and behold, I have lost a total of 15 lbs so far on my journey to sexiness.

It is an amazing feeling to loose 15 lbs. Not so much in that I can tell just by looking but also due to the fact that 15 lbs is a lot of weight. Think about what weights 15 lbs.

1. a 6th month old baby
2. my dog
3. a 15 lb bowling ball (Have you ever tried bowling with one of those things? Makes my wrist hurt just thinking about it.)
4. two human heads(thanks Jonathan Lipnicki)
5. This guys fish. Nice catch by the way ->

So I am pretty proud of myself. I mean, ask that kid if he knows how it feels to carry around 15 lbs and he might just say "It makes your hands smell like tuna" and he would be right.

That is all,

Newt

Finger Lickin' Bad

My butt hole was violated yesterday. I saved this part of my physical for an entire post because I couldn't really discuss it earlier. I had a physical that was very...invasive yesterday and I am very distressed. Prepare for Too Much Information.

I apparently have hemorrhoids. It wasn't surprising as it runs in my family but to find out, I gave up my anal virginity in a way that wasn't pleasant and no, I didn't get dinner first.

I am unsure how many of you have ever heard a 5o something man say "Bend over the table" and then have your butt cheeks pulled apart but it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is followed by a KY covered finger sliding up your bung hole and hearing "This is a standard rectal exam."

The oddest thing was the urge to clench. I expected this to be uncomfortable, which it was, but I didn't expect the body to fight it. As soon as the finger went in, my sphincter acted like a chinese finger trap. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't help trying to pinch off the docs finger.

After it was all done, he handed me a box of tissue and said, "This is for the excess jelly." He might as well have added, "Whore" to it because it felt a little like I was just used. And getting KY out of my crack in front of my doctor was a humiliating experience in itself. Imagine having to stand and wipe your ass in front of a complete stranger and you will feel my pain.

In the end, pun intended, the whole thing was more uncomfortable than painful. It was like having sex with an ugly girl. It wasn't bad, but that does not mean it was good.

That is all,

Newt

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news...

Well, I had an awkward day. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years for a checkup to see if I was in good health. I was pretty sure what to expect and was right.

Have you ever had a 50 something man tell you to undress down to your underwear? How about having a 50 something man grab your crotch? No, this wasn't my family reunion and it definitely wasn't a job interview, I learned my lesson on that last one. No, it was my doctor and was one of the more uncomfortable situations in life.

As I stood there in my boxers, yes I did wear nicer ones because I knew what I was going to be doing this afternoon, I was hit with the realization that this is a normal deal. This is what people have to do when they get older. I am doing an adult thing.

I am not a fan of going to the doctor but what do you do? I have been paying for insurance for 2 years and haven't used it, and with my diet and trying to get in shape, I figured now was the time. There is another story that in itself is another blog, so read later. I gave blood, peed in a cup, and had a physical. Wait, maybe this was an interview...

That is all,

Newt

The Penis Mightier than the Sword

I had to stop at a Dairy Queen today to pee and noticed that on the stall next to the urinal, someone had scratched "Penis" into the stall wall. This has been a constant in the entirety of my life. I have pooped in the Midland Sears and there has been a "Penis" there; I have peed at gas stations all across the globe and found that "Dick", "Penis" and "F#(&" are prevalent in a majority of restrooms.

What is this ever growing need to carve these words into stalls? I have never done it but it seems that I am in the minority. Is there just an epiphany moment where a guy is standing or sitting there and thinks, "I know, I bet nobody ever thought of this. I will get my pen/keys/pocket knife out and carve a dirty word into this stall." Real original.

Do girls do this? Do they sit in the stalls and go "Vagina really needs to be carved into the side this toilet paper holder."? It is ridiculous. Not only is it vandalism, it is unnecessary and half the time people can't even spell correctly.

Penis, Penis, Penis. There. I have written it on my blog for anyone who happens to stop here. People really need to respect other peoples property and leave things alone. You wouldn't like it if I carved something into your bathroom door. Idiots.

That is all,

Newt

Rules of Enragement

Well, my friend and co-worker, LeAnn, just got Rock Band and I have spent the last 3 hours singing, drumming and rocking out on the guitar. We formed a band which shares the title of this blog and when I left we had just gained a tour bus and have over 5000 fans.

Being a fan of Guitar Hero, there wasn't much of a surprise that I love this game. The idea that video games have grown so far that we now have a fake band and don't have to have any skill to be successful in our endeavor is inspiring.

I was pretty excited when we started playing and by the end I was exhausted. I can't wait to get a chance to get the band together again so we can get through Paris, Rome, and Berlin. We peeked at the new songs that are ahead to there are some doosies. Oh the excitement.

That is all,

Newt

St. Practical Joke Day

A lot of people are celebrating St. Patrick's Day today and I challenged a friend of mine who loves the holiday to tell me what the holiday is about. She couldn't at first but we slowly worked to the "right" answer. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

This, however, isn't true. It's complete bull. St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. Snakes have never been present on the Emerald Isle. So, some people believe that they are out drinking green beer because a Saint somehow drove imaginary snakes out of Ireland. I love this. If you were to celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.

I want to play a practical joke that turns into a holiday. Maybe I can have "Pull My finger Day." It's an oldie but a goodie, and if I could claim it for my own then it would be doubly impressive. St. Patrick's Day has entered the realm of Valentine's Day and Christmas as being so commercially driven that t looses its intended meaning and becomes useless.

That is all,

Newt

Clap On, Clap Off...Slap her.

I had a random thought today. What would happen if you hooked a Clapper light devise into a light in the room you are having sex in?


Depending on the sexual position when you are having sex, body parts occasionally slap together. A leg will hit another leg, thigh will meet thigh, and hands will meet buttocks. If you were to have a Clapper hooked in, would your next sexual experience seem similar to Disco Night at the local Y?


I can only imagine what that would look like. You are getting your groove on in bed when suddenly you start going at it a little too hard and one "Who's your Daddy?" later, you are sitting in a bright room staring at your handprint. If you really got going, you might create a light show for the neighbors who are walking their dog outside.


One handy little device can really add some interesting experiences to the bedroom. Just be sure your partner isn't epileptic or you might have more than just an orgasm to deal with at the end of things.


That is all,

Newt

Truth be told...

Are you a good person? There has been recent controversy over that new show 'The Moment of Truth' on Fox. The show takes a person and submits them to a lie detector. If you lie, you loose everything and half a million dollars is on the line. As you are asked questions, the amounts go up. More money equals harder questions.

The hype was due to a woman that was on whose answers revealed her to have slept with someone other than her husband during her marriage, said she has taken her wedding ring off to appear single, believes she isn't supposed to be married to her husband, and blames her husband for her lack of close friends. The kicker here is she lost the game when she was asked if she thought she was a good person and answered "Yes" but it was detected as a lie.

I love the irony that she lost on such a seemingly simple question...or is it? Have you ever really sat down and thought about if you were a good person or not? At first, I would have said an easy yes, but then I started making the mental good/bad list. This is when the grey areas started to pop up.

What would happen to you if you were put under a lie detector and asked that question? Would you answer quickly? Would you doubt your answer? I think I might.

I haven't killed anyone, don't steal...anymore, haven't cheated, and don't have much ill will towards people. But, then again, I am no saint. I hide stupid purchases from my wife, I can be manipulative and selfish, I don't do much for charity and I have a mean streak that bares its ugly head when I get angry. I think that if anyone looks into themselves they will find certain things they don't like about themselves. The main thing is to never be delusional about who you are.

Going back to the lady on the show, she said she thought she was a good person but her body said otherwise. Did she try to rationalize her answer and it got her in trouble? Maybe, but at the end of the show she had alienated her parents, ruined her marriage and got judged on television...and she still thought she was a good person. Even I am not that naive.

That is all,

Newt

4 More Years

It may not surprise anyone, but being Newt the Wonder Frog means loving things that have to do with leaping. I plan on buying my kid a Leapster, my favorite game is Leap Frog, and I always look before I leap. Yesterday was a day right in my pond because it was a Leap Day.

To celebrate the elusive day that hasn't occurred since 2004 I started a new tradition that I will try to remember to that I started when 2012 rolls around, the Annual Leap Year Party. We celebrated last night with other Leap Year fiends by getting our drink on, snacking on some tasty grub, and ended the night with some Karaoke and a little Guitar Hero. I am surprisingly coordinated on the Guitar when I am inebriated.

I went so far as to purchase the letters you can get to build your own banners. We had 'February 29th' and '4 More Years' up on the walls. I love when I have parties at the house because it means I don't need a designated driver. However the wife, the dogs and anyone who sticks around after my 5th drink and a shot of SoCo probably isn't as appreciative of that perk.

Update I got an update from Diana on what I had missed at the party. Apparently, sex was had in our downstairs bathroom during the party and we had one girl throw up in the same bathroom. Kinda gross but, hey, it's a party. It's times like these I wished I had a better grasp on reality during the party.

Happy Leap Year Everybody.

That is all,

Newt

It's a small world...

Yesterday, something very strange happened to me that gave me the heebee jeebees. Diana and I went to the local mall here in Lewisville to do some light shopping and let my lovely wife cash in on a free pair of underwear from Victoria Secret. As milady was trying on some garments in the Gap, I looked up and saw....Dun dun dun...my first girlfriend Nicole.

I dated Nicole right around the age of 16 and we lasted about 4-6 months. I haven't seen her since my first year in college and she looks pretty much the same. She had on a grey polo shirt, jeans, and her frizzy/curly/mangy hair in a pony tail. Talk about hot (this is sarcasm. I only state that because my wife might cut me off if I don't make this blatantly obvious). I immediately made sure she didn't see me and took off towards the men's section of said Gap. When I could, I made a break for the door and went and sat on a bench in view of the store to make sure I could see when she left. I even called Thomas so I was on the phone in case she were to see me.

The rest of the mall visit was spent dodging her. She turned up again in Macy's and I came within feet of crossing paths with her in front of a Great American Cookie. I even faked a 'oh, could it be, what are you doing here' look when I thought she had spotted me. Thank God she didn't.

I was incredibly awkward and when Diana asked me to explain why, I couldn't give a firm reason. Could it be that I had seen some of her naughty bits? Possibly. Is it because I would have to introduce my wife to an ex? Maybe. Or could it be that I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the whole situation? Yes, that's it. I didn't want to be faced with the 'should we hug' or the 'what are you doing here' and I definitely didn't want the 'we should hang out some time' (shudder) that constantly manifests when these instances happen.

The past should be left alone and yesterday I almost pulled a Doc Brown and went back to a place that should be left buried.

That is all,

Newt

Left, Right, Pass

Well, I'm that guy. I didn't think I would be but I found out something about myself that I didn't know... I fart while working out. Not just a slight whisper poooot, no I let real farts as I am going at it on an elliptical. I feel a slight bubble about to burst and I look at the timer on my machine and there is no way I am holding that air biscuit for half an hour.

While I am not sure if I am the first, I did come up with a system for letting these out. Not your ordinary cough/fart or your sneeze/toot. Instead, I take a look left, a look right and if I get have the all clear, the pass.

I have posted before about the beauty of my gym having TVs on all of the machines. As such, most people wear ear phones when they work out. So I look left; check, the girl in the yellow running shirt has plugs, I check right; dude who does backwards motion training is tapped, and Pass.

However, the smell I can't do anything about.

That is all,

Newt

I am Idolized

I did it. I didn't mean to do it but this year I just couldn't help myself. If anyone is to blame, its Diana. She wasn't home enough and I got lonely. I mean, what else was I supposed to do, just ignore it? It wasn't my fault. I just turned on the TV and there it was: American Idol.

It always starts with just a few minutes. "Oh, I'll only watch the first half hour to see the losers. They are so funny because they can't sing." Then you see that first sob story that somehow tugs at your heart; some kid living in his car to pursue his dream. I mean, what are you, heartless?

So I guess its official. I am watching AI this year. I'm not proud of it. I bring it up at lunch and no one else has any idea what I am talking about. Sure, I laugh it off like I just happened to turn it on, but I am sitting here watching it now and typing.

At least this year Randy Jackson is trying to stop using the word "Dawg" and "Yo". He has, unfortunately, replaced it with "Baby".

That is all,

Newt, Out

Here in my Car...

It is a momentous day. Below is a picture of me with the final, let me try that again, THE FINAL payment on my truck.

This is a huge event for me. I have owned a truck before, or more specifically my father owned my truck, but this check signifies that I have experienced a rite of passage that every person should experience. I have purchased my first car all by myself.


That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Bone Wild

After Christmas I bought one of those gigantic rawhide bones that I found on sale and waited until I needed a good laugh. Below is my idea of what happened.

Duncan: Hazel, I think I must be dreaming. Either my overweight little body has caused a heart attack or my fantasy has just become reality.
Hazel: Well if you're dreaming, I hope you don't wake up. If I am not mistaken, Dad just brought in a bone that is bigger than you.
D: Is that even possible? Can we really eat our weight in rawhide?
H: Hellz yes!!! I am going to munch on that baby like a Ankylosaurus on a field of grass.
D: I am not really sure what that means.
H: Sorry, there was a special on Discovery last night and Pops left the TV on.
D: You really need to get out more. Use the dog door once in a while. You are going stir crazy and I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Stop talking like you are from the street.
H: I did time. These people sprung me from the joint but I was living in Cell block C until Pops paid my bail.
D: That was an adoption you idiot. And you were in the shelter.
H: Quit trying to distract me. Here comes that bone.
D: My mouth is watering.
H: Well don't be getting any ideas, that shit is mine.
D: I am pretty sure we are supposed to share that.
H: That's what you think. It's mine!!!



The bone lasted three days and Hazel ate 85% of it. I wasn't sure she had it in her. And yes, I am aware that my voice sounds like a country bumpkin.

That is all,

Newt

Things I should have knows - Radio

Have you ever encountered something out in the world that is a blatantly obvious fact but for some reason you never really gave it any thought, but now that you have you suddenly realize that you never knew the fact to begin with but should have? This will occasionally happen to me and it did a few days ago.

I was driving in the car when for some reason the two wires in my brain that connect reason with common sense connected and I realized: "There are no even numbers on radio frequencies after the decimal". By this I mean that there isn't an 88.8 FM or a 550.2 AM. All call numbers on any frequency are followed by an odd number.

I don't really know what made me think of this but once I did I felt extremely stupid. Of course all of the numbers are followed in odds. Why didn't this ever occur to me before? I'm 25 and just discovered a well known fact about radio frequencies. I am an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

The proof was always out there for me to see. I have looked at too many bumper stickers touting "La Musica 195.3" or "93.3 The Bone Rocks Harder" to not have seen this. I think these instances are the universes way of saying, "Hey Stupid, You are getting way to cocky and to show you you're not so special here's something you should know."

That is all,

Newt

I don't wanna grow up...

Well, I had a great time while in New York and one of the neater things I got to do was go to the Toys R Us in Times Square. This store was amazing. Three stories of Legos, Video Games and Actions figures. It even had a life size Barbie Dream house. Here are the highlights.

One amazing thing about the Toys R Us Times Square was the Lego Center. I grew up on the amazing multicolored building blocks and when I walked in and saw a Fantastic Four Thing and Wolverine built entirely out of Legos, well I must say I was impressed. They also had a Yankees Helmet, the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings, a boy and his dog and Captain Jack Sparrow all built out of Legos. It was spectacular.

Next was the Action Figures. The selection was massively impressive. I am a connoisseur of these 6 in. marvels so when I walked in and saw a huge Spider-man hanging over a wall of Transformers I was quite pleased. They had sections dedicated to Star Wars, Transformers, and Power Rangers which I guess I assumed were not that popular.

One of the more classic scenes was the candy store. When I say store, it was more like a land of candy. Or more specifically, a Candy Land. I say this because the entire cast of Candy Land was positioned all throughout the area. Mr. Mint welcomes you to the candy land and as you go through you see all of your favorites. Gloopy the Chocolate Clump is over the Chocolate section, Plumpy the Green Guy welcomes you to the Sugar Free Section, and if you need a bag to put candy in, well just grab one from the tail end of a Gingerbread Play piece.

The most impressive display of child hood shenanigans is the fact that there was a working Ferris Wheel in the store that kids and adults can ride. I didn't get on it but the cars were themed with different toys.

Strangely enough, there was a Jurassic Park Section. I assume they built this when the movie came out because there were no actual Jurassic Park toys. There was, however, a giant T-Rex that moved(see video). Please ignore my awful video skills.

This visit was an amazing experience for the kid in me. Up until now, I didn't know what a toy store could be. Now I know what they mean when they say, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."

That is all,

Newt

In a New York Minute

Well, I had a world wind tour of New York last week and have had to wait this week until I was able to get the pictures. Now that I have them, here is a fun little tidbit of my trip. I got to see a taping of David Letterman.

I was just walking by the famous Ed Sullivan Theatre when I noticed a sign that said, "Free Tickets". I had wanted to see a taping while in NYC but forgot to look for tickets. I walked in and signed up for the lottery they hold and a couple of hours later, I had a ticket for Thursdays taping. The guests were Julia Louis Dreyfus, T.J. Miller from Cloverfield, and a band called Super Furry Animals.

It was a long process just to get in the seat. It started with a line to get my ticket, followed by an hour wait to get in line at a building across the street. We stood in line for an hour as a guy from the show tried to make us understand that no matter what, we should laugh at any joke we hear. He even said, "You may chuckle at home but this is television. Any joke you hear, laugh like it is the funniest fucking joke you have ever heard." He then proceeded to make us practice laughing.

We filtered into the show about 15 minutes before it started taping and Letterman came out to take questions. A younger guy asked Dave where he would go to break a 15 year pizza hiatus that he was on. Dave was so shocked that he had a couple of pizzas delivered during the show.

It was an interesting experience to see a taping. It only took an hour to tape the show and during the "commercial breaks" the band played music for us. That's why the band is always playing when the show comes back from commercial. I thought I might be on the show from a audience scan but it didn't happen. I guess I will have to be discovered some other way.

It was a big highlight from my trip.

That is all,

Newt

I feel like a teenager again

Well, some random occurrences have been happening to me over the last couple of days that makes me feel like I was in high school again. I have reverted back to a social state that was very prevalent during my Sophomore to Senior years in school. I have been dealing with...Comic Overload!!!

I use to work at a comic book shop in Midland, and as such took home a crap load of random comics at ridiculously low cost(most of it was trade for work and the owner didn't have a good understanding of a payment process). I have been randomly finding great deals on comic books this week that is giving me flashbacks.

First it was a great week of trade at my local comic shop from working, then an awesome online deal followed by a moving sale at another comic shop that I just happened to stop at. Even today I found some cheap issues when I wasn't even looking for them.

I need my wife to come home, and she is today, because I am on a tear. I need detox or something. The worst part is that, like any of us, you just can't pass up such a great deal.

I need help,

Newt

Brando, I''m Not

So, I am about to become a godfather to my niece, Addison, when she is born. This is a surprisingly important thing to be bestowed upon a schmuck like me and I plan to take it seriously. Of course, there will be the bad Brando impressions but I am also pretty excited about it. Below is a definition of my new title.

god·fa·ther /Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[god-fah-ther]
–noun
1. a man who serves as sponsor for a child at baptism. (This means I get to be a spiritual guide. I am going to have to read the Bible or that poor girl is going to be so confused)
2. any male sponsor or guardian. (I am definitely a male, I bought a magazine subscription for a hospital once so I guess I sponsored the magazine, and I will put a pony's head in any twerps bunk bed who messes with my little Addition)
3. (often initial capital letter) a powerful leader, esp. of the Mafia. (I am the self proclaimed leader of the nerds so I guess I am a leader)
4. a person who is regarded as the originator or principal shaper of a movement, school of thought, art form, industry, or the like: the godfather of abstract expressionism. –verb (used with object) (I had a movement this morning so this one is checked off)
5. to act as godfather to; be sponsor or protector for. (See number 2.)

Well, it looks like I am on track to be the best Godfather that money can buy...and I am not even charging for my services. I really need to learn how to make Cannoli.

That is all,

Newt

In Deep Doo Doo

You know what I think is one of the scariest instances that commonly occurs? Not scary in the sense of danger or death, just a creepy feeling that can overtake you. It's that 5 seconds between flushing and that gulping sound the toilet makes when you make a courtesy flush.

I thought of this today on an alarmingly massive grunt I was making. These occasionally happen and when they do, I usually flush about half way through to avoid creating a mountain in my bowl. But, every time I do one of these there is a 5 second haunting that occurs because my mind automatically wonders, "Will the toilet clog"?

Think about it. What would you do? Imagine if you will:
You are sitting on the toilet crapping and notice that maybe it is time for a flush to reboot the toilet. You reach back, hit the switch and instead of that reassuring 'Floosh' you look down and see brown water rising. What do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I don't know. I am blessed that this has never happened to me. You are pretty much screwed no matter what happens.

Situation A: you stand up without wiping, try to get your pants up, and find a plunger before the poop volcano overflows. If all of that is successful, you still have to try to plunge the mess before it overflows, and as we have all experienced, plunging a toilet isn't the easiest thing to do. And it's definitely not the cleanest.

Situation B: You don't look down in time and your private area takes a brown bath. The gravy starts overflowing from between the seat and bowl and your clothes get a new kind of rinse. You panic, stand up and start traipsing through the muck trying to find the plunger. The rest is pretty much the same as Situation A.

Either way, this is gross.

That is all,

Newt