Pan's Labrynth - A review

Have you ever found a movie that really changed the way you look at a genre? Something that mixed things that you would otherwise never put together, and do it in a way that made sense and told an awesome story? Well, Diana and I went to see a foreign film today by director Guillermo del Toro called Pan's Labyrinth.

It is set after the Spanish Civil War, following a young girl who discovers she is actually the princess of a magical kingdom. She must complete three tasks to open the doorway and enter her kingdom. All the while, a revolution is being fought around her as she must deal with her mothers dangerous pregnancy and a Stepfather who is Captain of the Spanish Army.

This story is not for the squeamish. The violence is on par with Pulp Fiction or, more recently, Sin City. It is a unique blend of Fantasy, Violence, and Tragedy. The story is really interesting and keeps you involved. Sadly, this is a limited release so you might just want to go add it to your Netflix. Unless you are in a large metropolitan area, you probably won't get to see this; and that is your loss. 5 Star movie.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. It is subtitled. If you can't read and watch a movie then don't even bother. Hopefully I don't know anyone like that, but you can never tell.

Has anyone seen a Turtle?

I have been meaning to post on this for a few days now. I was recently thinking about 'Saved by the Bell' and I realized that almost all of the original cast members from that awesome show have gone on to be celebrities. Zach stared in NYPD Blue, Slater hosted some stupid animal talent show and then Danced with the stars, Screech had a sex tape come out. I could go on and on but I now have to ask, "Where is Lisa Turtle?"



Does anyone know? She was the only black character on a predominately white show and after the last episode she vanished. First off, her name was Lark Voorhies. Did anyone know that? I was able to name every cast member but her. I IMDB'd her and she has had a couple of small roles but they were all in Black-esque TV shows. Why was her fame taken from her?

We should start a grass roots campaign to get Lark more roles. I mean, if Elizabeth Berkley can get a role dancing on a pole as a stripper, can't she?

That is all,

Newt

Is White always right?

So, I was sitting in the place where I do my best thinking, the toilet, and I thought of a question for the ages. Why does toilet paper only come in white? While I am sure that there has been the rare occasion where another color of toilet paper has been made, it is still a predominantly white product.

Now, I know that it is possible to make colored tissue. Kleenex offers tons of different makes and models for their brand of facial tissue. With the constant need for people to make things match, you would think that Charmin, Angel Soft or hell, Sam's Choice would have gotten on the ball with this and make some new choices.

I would really like to see someone come out with a plaid toilet paper. I would totally wipe my ass with plaid.

That is all,

Newt

Et tu Satchel Bag?

Well, apparently Hazel reads my blog because when I got home last night I smelled poo. A flower vase was knocked over and flowers were strung all over the house. The bathroom trash was dug out and I saw our back bedroom open. I opened the door and sitting on the floor was my Spider-man Satchel Bag covered in dog crap.

This wasn't one turd either. This was a large number of turds. I had to pick them up and it made a hand full. I couldn't believe it. Needless to say, she is being crated today as punishment. As for my satchel bag, it smells like poop and I don't know how to wash it.

That is all,

Newt

Not on my futon!!!

This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, I started walking around and closing all of the doors. I went into the bedroom where I keep my comic books, my Fortress of Solitude so to speak, when I happened upon something strange. Smack dab in the middle of my futon was a pile of dog crap.

I looked at Hazel, I knew it was her because after a certain point you can tell whose dog poop is whose, and she cowered. I have had to shit pretty badly, and at one point I even let a wet fart slip while in bed, but to conciously pop a squat on a sheeted futon just blew my mind. Luckily it came off without a stain and I was able to flush it but I couldn't get over the fact that my dog jumped up on my couch and let fly. Why not on the floor?

That is all,

Newt

Registration, it's the Law

Just like the Japanese in WWII, we went and registered today. Diana and I had loads of fun registering for all sorts of stuff that you, the masses, can now purchase for us at reasonable prices. We tried to keep everyone's finances in mind while aiming our little laser gun at all the barcodes.

We ran into two other couples who were also registering. Amazingly, it seems that if you give a man a laser gun, he will shoot it at you. One of the women, no not Diana, was having a hard time keeping her fiancee focused on the task at hand. I too was having trouble staying on task. I kept scanning Diana's boobs and saying "I need two of those."

You can click here to start buying us stuff. Hint, Hint. For those of you buying stuff online, please just mail it to us. We don't want to have to carry a ton of stuff home.

That is all,

Newt

Owls make me uncomfortable

I went to Hooters for lunch today and I have to say that eating there makes me uncomfortable. I would say that going to Hooters is the closest I have come to a strip club because I am paying to look at boobies. I rarely go eat there because of my discomfort. Normally, I get a waitress that is extremely well endowed (as was the case today) and I will try so hard not to look at her bulbous cleavage that I will immediately become self-conscious about it.

Then I spend the rest of my meal watching myself to make sure that I don't accidentally let my eyes stray. This is doubly ridiculous because the girls that work at Hooters are aware that their ta-ta's are the focus of the dining experience and have no problem with it.

Also, I cannot stand boob veins. They disgust me. If girl’s boobs are so big that a blue vein is visible in their cleavage, they shouldn't be visible. I just get a shiver of gross when I even think about it. They almost look like a tattoo.

Needless to say, my lunch was good but I just stared across the table at my coworkers or out a window. I think this is why I have never gone to a strip club. I just wouldn't feel comfortable staring at a girls love pillows as a past time. Not that I wouldn't look, I would just feel uncomfortable.
That is all,

Newt

I own it

Well, most of you know that Diana and I bought a house. Well, Saturday, we moved. To be more precise, two guys from Apple Moving moved us but lets not be picky. It was a long process but we are finally in our new home in Lewisville. This, along with traveling for Christmas, is the cause for my lack of posts. Sorry. I know how much you all missed them. I promise 2007 will bring you so many great posts that you will forgive me.

That is all,

Newt

Hangman

As many of you know, Saddam Hussein was hanged this weekend. I found this cartoon and just thought some of you would like it.

That is all,

Newt

The truth about Slander

Well, I think I hurt Thomas' feelings with my last post because he went and tried to be mean to me in revenge. Darn it if he just couldn't do it very well. I know everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering why I lashed out like I did. Well I will tell you.

Thomas won't come see me. Boo Hooooo!!!!

That's right, I wanted Thomas and Jess to come here for New Years so they could celebrate it in our brand new house and maybe help unpack. I mean, who wants to spend their New Years in Midland. There is nothing to do there aside from a bar, a bowling alley, and a drive in. So what if he already told people he would be there. Who cares if he doesn't get to see his family. I am talking about pleasing me. That is more important. I was going to find something so super awesome to do, but now I guess I don't have to now.

So Thomas, I sure hope sitting at home on New Years Eve is all kinds of fun because as you're doing it I would hate for you to regret going to Midland. I would hate to think you were sitting there, about to get ready for bed because no one came up with anything to do.

Merry Freakin' Christmas and a effin Happy New Year,

Newt

Slander

I am pretending to be annoyed with Thomas so I present to you The Slander of Thomas.

Thomas is a loser. He is so stupid he couldn't even get on the special bus. And have you smelled his breath? Whooo!!! I think he must have hypnotized Jessica into marrying him and I am still trying to figure out the secret word that will get her to wise up. I am fairly sure he always has Swamp Ass, at least that is the only explanation that I could come up with for his raunchy odor.

He is a raging hornball in real life. He goes around hooting and hollerin' at all the girls he sees. I think he slept with one of the Jacksons, though I can't tell if it was Micheal or LaToya because they look so similar. What is up with his kumquat fetish? There for a while he used to have them all over his room and I had to sleep downstairs when he really got going.

Finally, he never chews his food all the way. This may not seem that bad, but after he swallows he always asks "Did it go down?" and when you say yes he always replies "That's what she said." Oh, and I know for a fact that three cheerleaders in high school were rumored to be carrying his love children... and they all had the clap. You do the math.

Well, I guess that is enough bullsh...facts for today. Maybe next time, Thomas, you won't be such a loser.

Courage.

Newt

Can I be gay?!?

Do you ever wish you could be gay but just not have the sex? It seems like the perfect scenario. I watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and one of the guys loves those pink drinks w/fruit in them but he can't order them because he looks gay when he does it. So they go to a gay club and he gets to drink his drink without getting judged.

I will make some confessions now. First, I liked High School Musical. Yes I have the soundtrack and I secretly want to go see the show when it comes to Dallas. Yet I won't. I could definably get away with it if I were gay though. Also, I kind of like Celine Dion but I can only listen when she is on the radio(Or in private. Shh, don’t tell).

Also, if I could be gay without the sex, I would finally be able to dance. I think it is part of the gay gene. Another thing, I doubt I would have to ask Diana if my shirt and pants matched if I was gay. And when I go by myself to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' I won't be looked at funny.

Yep, I think being gay would be great as long as I could keep my poop shoot closed. I mean, I have a Hetero-life partner anyway. And yes, I am reading Sex in the City and I am enjoying it.

That is all,

Newt

So, How'd you meet?

I have recently been bombarded on the web with this website for a company called 'True'. There is always a picture of some really cute girl in a bikini or something like it and it says 'Live, Love, Learn'. It is always the sidebar for my Hotmail account and uses the same couple of girls over and over again.

After viewing this stupid ad for the umpteenth time I just have to ask, "Do dating sites work?" I have only met one person who has used one and she told me that it was awful. She was my neighbor in college and got in the rut of being a divorced thirty year old in Lubbock, Texas. After she told me she had used one, I think it was Match.com, she said all the guys on there were losers or were so far away that it was impossible to see them.

I hate to generalize people who use these sites because I am sure that they hold some value, but I just wonder how far down the dating ladder you are when you use them. I have to imagine that the people on these sites are introverts with very few options left to them. I, being an extrovert, have never had any real trouble meeting a woman so it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who logs on to eHarmony or True. To me, it seems like if you have exhausted your available pool of people, maybe it is time for a change in lifestyle.

If you are always sitting at home watching TV, maybe you should turn off the computer and go outside. If you live in a town where men or women aren't readily available, move. If you are the fat guy or girl living in your parents spare room, move out and go on a diet. Maybe this is harsh but its true. I have known so many people, ex. Tim Burleson, who never moved out of the house and got bigger and bigger while simultaneously loosing personal skills. He stayed in a dead end job at Albertsons and is more than likely never going to make anything of himself.

Again, a generalization, but if you are having trouble meeting someone, should you really turn to other people who are having the same trouble or instead go look for the people who are doing fine in that area and try to adapt. Really, if you aren't bringing anything to the table, no one will come to eat.

That is all,

Newt

What's up with Racists?

Has anyone noticed that there have been quite a few racial slurs by celebrities lately? First Michael Richards blows up on stage and yells the N word over and over from out of nowhere and then Andy Dick tries to make fun of it and it is so awkward that he ends up having to apologize.

Now, MSN is asking the question, “Were Rosie’s comments racist?” Is this some sort of celebrity epidemic where they see a racist and see how much press it gets so they jump on it and start spouting racial slurs? And should they apologize?

I don’t want it to sound like I support racism but clearly, if you feel that way then your apology is somewhat tainted. It’s not like Kramer was saying something and let the N word slip in there. He just kept yelling at them. Then he goes on TV and explains that it just started pouring out of him and he feels so ashamed.

Really? That is your excuse? If you’re racist then you’re racist. If you feel bad about it then maybe you should apologize but if you are a racist then you wouldn’t have a problem with what you said. None the less, celebrities need to keep their mouths shut.

That is all,

Newt

Savin' Money

As most of you know, we are buying a house. And this means we will need to start being more responsible with our money. Well, I like to be proactive so this morning I started considering ways to cut back and make things last longer.

While doing this I thought of one way to save water. The phrase "If it's Yellow let it mellow, if its Brown, flush it down" instantly popped into my noggin and I thought of how many flushes we really use just on pee.

Then my mind began to wander and I thought, "Does that work for the color blind?" Well, I assume it does but just in case I made up a colorless version of that lovable limerick.

"If it's water, let it sit. Only flush it when its..."

Well, you get the idea.

That is all,

Newt

Mouse Trap

Last night Diana and I went to Target(pronounced Tar-je cause its French) and in an impulse buy that was completely Diana we bought the wonderful board game, Mouse Trap.

Side story for you, when I accidentally burned my old house down I owned this game. As they pulled my smoldering toy chest out of the window of my bedroom, pieces of the game were melted together in a multicolored conglomerate of trap. I haven't played it since.

But hey, I am a man who gives everything another chance and I did love it. We came home and started playing, but as neither of us knew the rules, it was time to break them out and read them. I have just one question. "How in the Hell is a child supposed to play this game?" There are so many different steps to Mouse Trap. First you have to make sure you get cheese pieces, you only build part of the trap if you land on a space that has the correct number of players, you get stuck on this circle that never ends. I didn't know what was going on.

Luckily, I still beat Diana so fast that she couldn't see straight. I just have to say, "Damn, Hasbro"
That is all,

Newt

It's my Homey!

For those of you who haven't heard, Diana and I are buying a house. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind because all of this got decided pretty quickly. We found a cute place in Lewisville, Texas that is a 3br, 2bath with a small yard, a garage, and a great kitchen.

Tonight we went and finalized our mortgage and will be closing on it in a few weeks. This means moving again. YEEHAW. I hate moving. Hate it. Packing, lifting, unpacking. It sucks. We do seem to always get rid of stuff when we move so clutter goes away to some extent, but it is very little.

I am excited about getting our own place. Hopefully I will grow up a little bit and be more responsible. Though I doubt it will make too dramatic of an effect. I have had to deal with all sorts of adult stuff in the last few days. Finding homeowners insurance, doing a house inspection, signing papers. But in the end, I am very excited. It's one hell of a Christmas present.

Well, I have been busy so that is my reason for the lack of posts.

That is all,

Newt

I love Bacon!

Kevin Bacon that is. Last night, Diana and I went out with some of her friends to a place called 'Pete's Piano Bar'. Pete's is a bar that has two pianos in the center and people play almost any song imaginable.

Well, After two of three beers and a Jager-bomb later, Footloose started and, if you know me, I love me some Footloose. Diana's friend Mary Alice got up and started dancing and I just had to get up and dance with her.

I heard someone say 'Now this guy is serious' and I looked up and one of the piano players had a flashlight shining on me. They were waving me up so I ran up on the stage and got in between the pianos. They picked up playing the song again and I preceded to do the Footloose dance, or at least a version of it, on stage in front of everybody in the bar.

I must say that I really didn't notice the crowd watching me while it was going on. When they finished the song, the two piano guys said, "I don't know if you need it, but go to the bar 'cause a shot is on us".

I went to the bathroom and had people telling me, "Nice Dancing" and got a shot from a bartender, though I have absolutely no idea what I drank. It was awesome and just goes to show you that dancing isn't a sin. Eat that John Lithgow.

That is all,

Newt

Half days are da Bomb!

For anyone who hasn't seen the news, today a cold front swept into Dallas and is holding us hostage. I am sure Fox News and CNBC are going to call this "Frost on America" or something. When I got up this morning, it was cold but the day progressed to an even more windy and freezing day and at 12:30 my office was told to go home.

I LOVE when you get sent home. I am on salary so it just means free time with pay. It rocks. I wasn't busy either so it is even more cool. I went an got a haircut and read comics and made a pot of chili. Next up I might throw in some Wii time and get my Scrubs on because it starts again tonight.

YIPPPPEEEEE!!!!

Newt

My lady's out of town...and boy is my hand tired

Well, it's that time again. Thanksgiving. Sad to say Diana had to go out of town and leave me to work on Friday. On the big day I went to Boston Market to grab some turkey & mashed taters and bought a pecan(pronounced pe-can not pe-con) pie.

Also, Thursday started the Legend of Zelda play off. Hence my hand being tired. Oh, wait a minute. Did you think...? Perverts. That's not what I meant. I have just been playing with my Wii for the last couple of days. No, not that Wee. My new Nintendo. I have to say, you're minds are in the gutters.

N-E-Ways. I worked yesterday and spent some quality time with the dogs. I was disappointed that I couldn't go home, but what can you do. I had to call and get someone to tell me how the Chocolate Chip Pie tasted but other than that, I guess I will make it. One great thing to come out of staying home is my discovery of a show on Bravo called 'Top Chef'. I hate reality TV but this show Rocks.

Happy Thanksgiving to all,

Newt