TBWCYL Day 253 - Damn you Aunt Roberta

I almost died today. The task was to mix the Worlds Strongest Cocktail, called an Aunt Roberta, and sample it. Diana was game for this one.

2 shots Absinthe
1 shot Brandy
3 shots Vodka
1 1/2 shots Gin
1 shot Creme de Mure

We had Vodka and Gin in the house so we set out to find the other three items and get our drink on. We hit our first liquor store, Goody Goody, and went in search of all three. Turns out none of these are sold in those little souvenir bottles so I was faced with the decision of buying big bottles, close to $100 in liquor, going somewhere else, or giving up. We found a cheep bottle of brandy and asked about Creme de Mure and the lady working looked at us funny and asked what that is. Diana Googled it and learned it was Blackberry flavored liqueur. But we were in luck. We found a Blackberry flavored brandy and killed two birds with one cheap bottle of liquor.

The only Absinthe they had ranged from $40 to $60 and I already knew I didn't like it so I didn't want a huge bottle of something I knew I couldn't drink so we bought what we had and went in search of a tiny bottle of Absinthe.

We hit the liquor store next door that was closing down and thought we might find a steal but were without luck. Next we drove a couple of blocks to Majestic liquor but found the same conundrum. However, knowing that Absinthe tastes like liquorice I called an audible and decided to buy Jagermeister instead. I even got a cool shot glass with the bottle.

Now, with liquor in hand we came home to figure out our drink. Using my new shot glass I got out the mixing glass and followed the recipe.



2 shots Absinthe(Jager) Check My stomach smelled the liquorice and started to turn
1 shot Brandy and 1 shot Creme de Mure(2 shots of the Blackberry Brandy) I started to get queasy at the thought of drinking this
3 shots Vodka My God this smells strong
1 1/2 shots Gin I don't think I can do this.


Once our drinks were mixed I started to feel a bit of hesitation. I could feel my stomach turning from the idea of that much alcohol and the smell of licorice was making me nauseous.


I braced myself, held my breath and put the glass to my lips. I took a small swig onto my tongue and once it made its way toward the back of my throat my gag reflex kicked in and I had to turn and eject it all back into the sink. I jerked the faucet on and let the water run over my tongue and back out. The taste was incredibly offensive.

Diana was able to both take a sip and swallow so she is apparently not as big a pussy as I am. I felt awful afterward and can't imagine why anyone would ever drink an Aunt Roberta unless they wanted to commit suicide.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 252 - Nekkid

I had a simple task yesterday: "Imagine everyone naked". It went pretty well, except for when a fatty walked in the door. I felt kind of awkward when, at a happy hour last night, one of my nearest and dearest friends asked me my task. As I imagined her in a pair of black panties and a cream colored bra I just told her that I couldn't talk about it. I was respectful not to undress her totally but I still don't know how appreciative she would have been of my sacrafice.

To really test my imagination I went to lunch with some friends yesterday but didn't eat. Instead, I sat sizing up everyone. There was the fat guy who I can only imagine has started to have penal retraction from the amount of blubber he was holding near his junk.

There was the 50ish lady who had big boobies but I think may have had irregularly placed nipples. Still kind of hot though.

A college girl walked in that weighed around 90 lbs and had no curves on her but was cute. I imagined a set of skin colored boards stacked on top of each other.

The happy hour we went to was at the Flying Saucer, which if you aren't familiar is kind enough to make all of their 20 something waitresses wear plaid skirts and tank tops. I go for the beer but stay for the atmosphere. I almost didn't have to imagine them naked but did anyway just for fun. Our waitress was a cute little blonde with B cup breasts and an ass that I believe I summed up perfectly as saying "I like her butt". I have a thing for a plaid skirt, honestly what man doesn't, so these girls are always pleasant to look at.

I wouldn't mind a few more tasks like this.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 251 - Handgela and Palmela

I was supposed to read my own palm today. The Book had a chart so I took a picture of said palm, this is Palmela by the way, and color coded it.

The Pink line is my Heart Line. I guess I would consider this a deep enough line which is probably why I am so girly sometimes. It stands for emotional depth so I now know why I love 'Notting Hill' so much.

The Blue line is the Life Line. It signifies quality of life. It said if you it is thin I should see the doctor more. It isn't though so I don't. Or maybe I don't because I am a man. I can't ever tell.

My Love Line is the Green line and goes almost all the way down to my wrist. I am going to just take that as a good sign.

The Yellow line is harder to see but is my Fate Line. Apparently my wife will kill me though because The Book says if it is shorter than my love line my lover will kill me. Maybe I can carve it to be longer.

The Orange Line is my Travel Line. My propensity for traveling is supposed to be tied to it. Not sure how accurate this is because, though I love to travel, I doubt I would go very many places without my wife to do the planning.

Finally, the Black area is my Mount of Venus, I think. My hand doesn't resemble the one in the book because my Travel and Love lines get so close together. I guessed about the area. None the less, it is supposed to signify sex drive. In fact, I probably don't have the entire area covered because that little spot is nowhere near the drive I have. Maybe I should have highlighted the whole palm...

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 250 - Joking Around

I am a notoriously bad joke teller. Most people who know me will attest to this. I usually laugh harder at the joke then anyone I tell it to, I spend way to long trying to get it out, and if I don't remember it correctly I struggle with it to where it looses the gusto. I drive my wife crazy with this.

So when yesterday's task came up, I followed it to the letter. It gave step by step instructions on how to tell a joke properly and included a G rate joke for me to tell. Following the 5 step process I thought I was sure to get my wife laughing by doing this correctly. Things didn't go as planned.

Here is the joke first.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Don't be silly, elephants can't change lightbulbs!

Using these steps I was supposed to get a laugh out of someone.
1. Make sure you have a lighthearted atmosphere before telling this joke.
2. Warm up the audience by saying something like "You want to hear a good one?"
3. Emphasize the words 'elephants' and 'lightbulb' so the listener knows what to focus on in the joke.
4. Make sure to pause a few seconds between the joke and the punchline to give the listener time to think about the joke.
5. Deliver the punchline with speed and precision. Throw in a slight chuckle at the end to show the ridiculousness of the idea.

It also threw in the warning of "do not laugh at your jokes or add "geddit, geddit?" at the end. I am so guilty of this it isn't funny.

As Diana and I were driving in the car yesterday, it seemed the atmosphere was right. I probably shouldn't have prepped her that I was doing a task but I don't think it would have helped. I started by saying

N: "You want to hear a good one?"
D: "Sure"
N: "How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" 5 second pause
D: "I don't know"
N: "Don't be silly, elephants can't change lightbulbs! Heh"
D:"...That wasn't funny."

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 249 - It's the End of the World as we know it...

The scenario for yesterday's task was this: The world is about to end. Only Book readers have been made aware and thus, you can now live the last day of your life. Don't tell others as it will cause panic.

Now, this is some heavy knowledge, and as I am writing this today (like I was going to waste my last day writing a blog) it appears The Book was wrong. None the less, I think if I had died yesterday it wouldn't have been the worst day to have died on. In fact, it would have been highly ironic. For you see, yesterday was my 27Th Birthday.

Turning 27 was no large feat. I don't even think I will remember that it happened with any real clarity. I both love and hate birthdays because it is a small celebration of another year and it can also remind you that you are closer to dying. So, how did I spend my last day on Earth?

I woke up at 6 a.m. and attempted to regain my slumber but was unsuccessful. I spent time with my wife and parents and my mother cooked breakfast that reminded me of all the past scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits that for some reason I can never recreate at home.

I joined my wife and a friend to take in "The Time Traveller's Wife" at the local theatre here. Say what you will but I love romantic "chick flicks" and when you add the combination of time travel and Rachel McAdam's it doesn't hurt.

After the film, we headed back home for what can only be described as a Wonder Frog lunch in the grandest fashion. Mix my mother, a pot of black eyed peas, a honey glazed ham and cornbread and you have a meal that will leave you swollen of the belly and the heart. My mother doesn't cook much but she will for me and I love her for it. The piece de resistance was my favorite cake in the world, Pineapple Upside down Cake. She uses the shredded pineapple instead of the circles and it caramelizes into something akin to nirvana.

I also snuck in some time for reading and finished "A Wolf at the Table". If I was going to die I wasn't leaving a book unfinished.

After dinner, my wife joined a group of friends and family and hit a local dive bar to see a performance by Darius Rucker aka Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. My home town is small enough that this isn't a normal stop for larger name performances but it was a hell of a show and since it coincided with my birthday visit, I thought it would be a fun thing to do.

We got home just before midnight and my wife and I held each other waiting for the end. When it didn't happen and midnight struck we were so relieved I even got a little birthday lovin'.

I don't think 10 or even 5 years ago that if you asked me what I would do if I knew I would die tomorrow that this would be what I would have said. I guess age and priorities really do adjust you. I think the only thing I didn't do was read a comic book. That would have been icing on the cake.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Update - Day 237 Telegram

Remember the telegram I sent? Well, The Girl with The Pink Tea Cup received it and was kind enough to blog about it. Check it out.



Newt

TBWCYL Day 248 - Twinity

So, today's task is simple. Twin yourself with a foreigner. And since through these exploits I keep doing for my daily tasks I have met a few foreigners, I enlisted one of them for some help.

My dear friend The Girl with the Pink Tea Cup agreed to be my twin. I think this is a good fit for a couple of reasons. She too is as horny as a pack of rhinos and we think alike. She also lives in Australia which is something I have longed to do, so she is my twin. We are supposed to visit each other once a year and she is planning a trip to the states at some point next year so this might even happen.

This reporter went to the mouth of the twin-ning for a comment.

"I am delighted and honoured to be considered Trinity's foreign twin, although I have to say that it shows considerably poor judgement on his part. Then again, that is probably why we should be twins. As long as it doesn't involve dressing up in matching Tweedledee and Tweedledum costumes, I'll happily hop on over the pond to hang out at his and Diana's lily pad each year.

I now reserve the right to refer to him as 'Twinity'."

So, there you have it. I guess I have a twin sister I never knew about and she is living my dream life.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 247 - Caving In

Yesteday I was tasked with "Doing what Society Tells Me" and I tried my best. I obeyed speed limits and school zones, I was prepared to add "fries with that" had I been asked and I did want cash back when I went to the store.

The funny thing is, once I started looking for the directions of society, I couldn't find them. I expected to see signs stating "You must buy this" or "Try NOW!!!" but hard as I looked it just wasn't there. I am back home in Midland for the weekend and maybe that has something to do with it. Small towns are a different breed. I realized I was in a small town when, while driving with my dad to breakfast, the local radio host started reading the school lunch menu for the
surrounding areas. How quaint is that?

So, I guess society didn't really need me to do too many things but be a law abiding citizen. Not to bad a way to spend the day.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 246 – Choppy Eater

I will start this by saying I am not Oriental. So when I read that today I had to eat everything with Chopsticks, I felt I might not have the training needed to eat all meals with two tiny pieces of bamboo. But, I wasn’t daunted that greatly.

You see last week during “No Electricity” day, one of the people in the book I was reading ate peanuts with chopsticks to keep his fingers clean while he did crossword puzzles. Well, I liked the idea so much that I actually did it with Cheetos while I was reading and later did it with the mixed nuts. I was going in with some mileage under my belt.

As I sat huddled over my bowl of Life Cereal this morning, picking each soggy square up and bringing it to my mouth, silently praying I not drop it and make some mess that would cause me to change clothes; I realized I might just be able to do this.

I was just as successful with the almonds I had brought to work for a snack. They are much easier to grapple with because of their hard consistency. I was snapping them up like a pro and tossing them from the end of the sticks into my mouth with ease. I ate a string cheese stick as well by just holding the entire piece and nibbling it.

Lunch consisted of a roast beef sandwich and some Cheetos. Picking up an entire sandwich seemed unlikely so I went for the more logical route and had cut my sandwich into squares. By doing this I felt almost as if I were eating a spring roll or something because with a little effort I was taking whole pieces into my mouth. I even challenged myself with a pack of Peanut M&M’s for dessert and barely dropped any.

My final act of Chop-stickery involved eating an entire plate of bean and beef fajita nachos. We drove to Midland tonight and stopped to grab dinner. Diana was embarrassed to be seen with me eating using chop sticks so she forced me to find a seat that would hide us. I ordered nachos to try and make the eating as easy as possible and did well enough not to drop anything on myself. I left the chop sticks on my plate when we left so I am sure Rosarita will be curious as to why they are sitting on the plate at a Mexican restaurant.

I kind of liked using chop sticks all day. They made me concentrate during my meal and I may just have enjoyed my food a little bit more.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 245 - Vocab Lesson

So, I got to yesterday's task and had flashbacks of grade school because yesterday was vocabulary day. There were 26 words, one for each letter, and I was to try to expand my vocabulary. After a night of sleep, here is what I remember

Zoophyte - An animal that resembles a plant

Nugatory - being useless, of no real value

Yoni - tantric in the vagina

Galumphed - to move heavily or clumsily

Walleyed - having an abnormal amount of white space showing on your eyeball

I can't think of any others but I would guess if I heard a couple of the other words in there I would be able to give you a definition. So, I got a little knowledge yesterday.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 244 - Caloric Intake

Well, I failed for the second time at a task. This one was to increase your lifespan by eating 1000 calories or less throughout the day. Something about it is supposed to make you live longer. I started out strong and made it through the day with the understanding that I would accomplish this. I ate a healthy enough breakfast and lunch and had plans for a pork chop and green beans that, when all totals came in, would have put me right at 1040 calories.

Then tragedy struck. I was grilling the pork chops and while doing a taste test I thought, "These taste funny". I called Diana out to the grill and as she tested them I could tell on her face she thought so too. I am not a big fan of the idea to eat meat that tastes funny so we threw them away. However, I didn't know I needed low calorie food and we had already made green beans so our only real option for dinner was a frozen pizza. I might has well have ate lard wrapped in bacon smothered in lard because by the time I was done I had added about 600 calories in my belly and lost all hope that I was under 1000 calories for the day.

I guess in an alternate reality, other me did eat that pork chop but I sure didn't. I can't believe I was defeated by food.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 243 - Minute by Minute

So, yesterday's task was to plan out my day using the handy grid The Book was kind enough to provide. Planning out my day can be rather difficult sometimes so I planned as much as I could and throughout the day I would add in things to do as I found them to come up.



Can't read my handwriting? Well, that isn't surprising. So, I will give you some highlights.

08.00 Search web and email
08.10-09.10 various tasks involving excel
10.40 write up blog
11.30-12.30 lunch
13.30 play online
14.50 poop
15.40 leave for dentist
16.00-16.40 dental cleaning
17.20 mow yard

My day is pretty mundane and most of the stuff on here is so work related it would be useless to try to explain it. So, that is a day in my life.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 242 - Power Down

What a day yesterday. You may have noticed there wasn’t a post last night and there was a reason for that. Diana left town for the weekend so I took the opportunity to do one of the more dedicated tasks. Yesterday the task at hand was to live the day without using anything powered by electricity. You can see how that might have been a problem but here is how it can be done.

• First: go buy about 10 lbs of dry ice and get a cooler. Dry ice freezes the crap out of stuff and makes an awesome short term ice box. Then stock the chest with some regular ice to offset everything just freezing solid. Gather everything you will want for the entire day and put it in the ice chest. Also put a block on your fridge to stop yourself from cracking.
• Second: go around and cut off the temptation of turning on any lights by taping all of the light switches over with paper. It is a great reminder when going into a room that helps stop you from slipping.
• Third: locate your grandfathers pocket watch and wind it up. Now you have a way to tell time throughout the day that doesn’t involve electricity. Subsequently, also turn any clocks that are electric or battery powered around. If that isn’t possible, i.e. stoves and microwaves, tape something over these.
• Fourth: stock up on candles if you don’t have any at home. Be warned that buying scented candles may sound like a good idea but your home will begin to smell if conflicting scents are chosen and will overpower when all are lit to provide evening light.
• Fifth: Make sure your propane tank on your grill is full. If you don’t have some type of barbeque pit, you will regret having no electricity.
• Sixth and final: Wait until last possible moment, in my case 11:50 PM and turn off your air conditioning. I know it is hard but it must be done.

So, after following my five step process, I went to bed on Saturday with the windows open and no power flowing anywhere. I slept fitfully, not due to being hot, but because for the first time since being in the house, I slept with the windows open. I am use to hearing the A/C units kick on but through a pane of glass. It is a different situation with windows open. It also causes the dogs to go into hypersensitive mode and they continuously woke me by barking at everything they could.

I got up around 8:30 AM and got my day started. I pulled some eggs out of the cooler, grabbed the milk(which had made contact with the dry ice and was partially frozen), and went outside and scrambled me up some breakfast on my grill. I tried to make toast too but it tasted too much of propane and I trashed it.

The night before, I had logged all of my recent comics into my database and they needed to be filed so I lit up a candle and headed into the storage closet where they are housed to alphabetize. I felt like a coal miner going digging in a way. I also kept busy in the yard by trimming the bushes with my manual shears.

I would say about 80% of my day was just spent outside reading. Our patio has a nice bit of shade until around 1 so, after brewing a pot of tea which then became thoroughly iced, me, Duncan and Hazel all sat outside. They lounged in the sun and I read and finished The Longest Road Home by John Grogan which I had started the night before.

When the sun was at its peak, I went inside for a while and then took the dogs on a walk. The high temp for yesterday was around 90 degrees and I steadily watched the temperature in the house go up, topping out at 85. I lucked into a breeze blowing through so it was bearable, especially after my six pack that had been on ice was pulled out and I started drinking.

I grilled a T-bone steak around 5 and it for dinner. Duncan and Hazel, my ever watchful vacuums stood by and after I was done, I allowed them the bone.

I lit all the candles in the house around 7 and waited for Diana to get home. She hadn’t arrived by 8 so I had to break the ban and turn on my cell phone. I didn’t use it but wanted to make sure that something hadn’t happened. She finally got home around 8:30 PM and sat outside with me until 9. With her home, I knew I had to end the day. We shut the windows and turned on the A/C and lights.

I must say that no electricity can sound scary but was rather relaxing. I didn’t feel tempted to turn on the TV or computer. Had the temps gotten higher I might have missed the A/C but it was rather nice outside. The only thing I missed was music. I wanted some to keep me going through the day. Not a bad sacrifice though. I will say, once it was pitch black in my entire house I realized why people might go to bed early in the old days. Sitting in the dark kinda blows.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 241 - Quiet Moment

Today's task was one of remembrance, specifically that of Princess Diana. I turned off all the music and noise and just stood in my living room and remembered Di.

This was one of those "Where were you" moments. I actually remember this pretty vividly. I was 14 at the time and was staying over at my grandmother's house, as I did a lot. I had spent the Saturday watching TV late into the hours. Most likely it was a mix of TV Land and Saturday Night Live. I was sitting in the dark, only the TV for light and a news bulletin broke in saying that she had died with her boyfriend in a car accident. I had a general knowledge of her but that was about it. I must say in all honesty it didn't mean anything to me. I thought it weird to be watching the news live. It's not often you get that real time news, especially back in 1997.

So, I remembered her today, close to the anniversary of the date. She died on August 31st, 2007 right after midnight.

That is all,

Newt

Possibilities

She chatted up a patron old enough to be her father, discussing "The White Stripes" and explaining to him the bands popularity and her love of them. Her 1950's retro garb was illuminated by the florescent lights bouncing off the Formica counter tops. She was cute, maybe 17, her face still holding on to that last bit of baby fat as she blossomed into a young woman. She took my drink order and got it wrong but I couldn't get mad. I instantly fell in like with her. She stirred up memories of my past and our similar experiences.

Verging on 9 p.m. her shift came to a close. She walked past me, knowing I was someone else's problem now. Entering the bathroom, she disappeared and I went back to my book. Five minutes later she emerged, a butterfly from her pressed linen cocoon. She wore tight jeans, considered fashionable from the eyes of the high school crowd, those fighting for a letter to accompany their generation. Her hair had fallen from the bun do she chose to wear for her shift. It now dangled awkwardly, attempting to touch her shoulders but coming up just short.

Her pace quickened and I saw why. A blond haired boy sat at the front counter waiting. Not what I would first have suspected as her type, he kept his hair short, almost to the scalp, and appeared athletic. Memories flooded into me of a time where I would visit the restaurant where my first girlfriend worked. Finding a table in the back and hoping she would make the rounds to wipe stale bleach water on the tables so I could catch a smile, or a kiss if the manager wasn't around.

I didn't see her exchange with the boy. It was clear they were to leave together. Why the longing for a simpler time entered my heart I don't know but I felt a great deal of envy for these young love birds. At 26, I spent the night with a burger and a book while their night was just beginning. They have all the time in the world, or at least until curfew, and can be content sharing a drink in a car and discussing the mundane as if it were interesting.

I went back to my book and looked up one last time and discovered she had gone. The end of her shift meant the beginning of her night. Oh the possibilities.

TBWCYL Day 240 - Southpaw

Today's task was simple. All day, instead of using my right hand for everything like I normally do I was to use my left. Sounds simple right? Well, as I dropped cereal down the front of my shirt via a left hand spooning I realized maybe this won't be so easy.

I had no trouble starting the car or driving but when I got to work I realized that to do this right I really needed to swap my watch. You see, I am quite opposite of most people and even though I am right handed I still wear my watch on the right wrist. In the car I put it on my left though, and was uncomfortable all day. The added weight made all the difference. By the end, my wrist swelled up a bit and the band got to tight so I had to remove it.

Here is a fun fact. Wiping your butt isn't easy with your opposite hand. I know because after my BYOM party, I had to go and it didn't run as smoothly at the end as it usually does.

In general use I did fine with leading with my left hand. Opening doors, drinking and the like were easy enough. I know at least one of you is thinking it so I will just come out and say it. Yes, I did and it was weird. my shoulder cramped up and it wasn't nearly as coordinated as it usually is.

That is all,

Newt

p.s. I typed this entire post with only my left hand. It took 15 minutes.

TBWCYL Day 239 - Bass Ackwards

TBWCYL Day 238 - What's in a name?

Well, I got a lob today in my task. Maybe other Book people haven't got a blog they threw all of their days up on but since I do, it made today's very easy. I had to make sure my name was on the Internet. How much easier could it be?

So, if you google Trinity Vaughn you will find my exploits. Most are from this same blog but there are a few others. I am not, however, the hot 19 year old blonde from California whose myspace profile says she is "happyasfuck". My day would be quite different if I were.

That is all,

Newt aka Trinity Vaughn

p.s. I don't have myspace, facebook, or twitter so when you see anything like that it isn't me. That is my linkedin account though.

My Contestulaphoria is in overdrive

I won the contest. That's right, Me. Little old Trinity went and won himself an entire run of Exiles trades and Jeff Parker, who is ever greater than I thought, is throwing in the first hardback of the Agents of Atlas ongoing series.

I would like to thank, first and foremost, Thomas. He was instrumental in helping me make it clear I was an advocate for Jeff Parker's books.

I would also like to thank 'the girl in the pink teacup' who went above and beyond by posting a comment on Jeff Parker's blog stating that she too was looking for an Agents of Atlas book because of my recommendation.

Thirdly, Mo Stoneskin said he would try something by Jeff Parker and I don't know if it helped but it didn't hurt.

I think the smile on my face might be permanent. I think I may have moved from Contestulaphoria to a full blown case of Contestulitis.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 237 - Speedy Delivery

Today's task was fun, if not slightly expensive. I had to send a telegram to someone today and contacted the girl with the pink teacup to see if she would allow me to send it to her. I got her true name(which means I can now bind her with the forces of magic*) and address and went to a fun little site called International Telegram and in the next 24 to 48 hours, Mr. McFeely** should hopefully be dropping off a speedy delivery. I must say, this blog has definitely helped me make new friends outside the continuous 48***.

I am going to keep it a surprise as to what I sent, but I did request they sing it so I hope everything goes well. If she isn't home I am going to assume that they will either give it to her boy(that is what she calls him), or tack it to a door which won't be nearly as fun.

So GWPTC, you might want to keep some tip money around if the guy sings you the telegram. Hopefully, the girl will let everyone know what I sent and how it worked out.

That is all,

Newt

*this is a reference from the Eragon series. It may have been brought up in other things as well.
**That was the delivery man on Mr. Rogers. He sure had a creepy name though.
***States people, do you need one of these for everything. Jeez!

TBWCYL Day 236 - KissiePums

I am so bad at the topic of today's task and no, it isn't sex. I was deployed to find a chat room and carry on a discussion as long as possible about a topic I know nothing about.

I of course chose TWILIGHT.

I have never seen the movie or read the books. I know the two main characters names and that is it. So, I went to the Twilight chat room and tried to join the conversation. It comes with this warning...

This is for Twilight fansonly!!!!! Anyone else will be caught!!!!!!~ENJOY~

Sounds ominous, doesn't it? Under the screen name KissiePums(it was assigned when I logged in) I tried to jump into the conversation but I couldn't because these Twilight fans have no interest in Twilight. I tried to steer the conversation away from, and I shit you not, are women better than men, butt sex, and where Ruby was but they weren't having it.

Finally I just gave up and started throwing random things like "your mom" and "you go girl" into the conversation. I hate chat rooms and it is worse when people just sit there and type random cursing and try to outdo each other on who can be foulest. It is just a waste of time.

That is all from Team Edward,

Newt

Beam me up Newty

So, I got a weird card in the mail over the weekend. It seems someone has purchased a Star Trek T-Shirt on my behalf and the shirt was over ordered so I now won't get it until late October. Diana claims it wasn't her, and I am apt to believe her as she can't lie to save her life so I am going to have to start investigating.

I am not sure who has sent me this but since my birthday is coming up, I can only image that was the cause. It brings me to wonder what shirt I am getting. As a mild Trek fan, I can only assume I am getting a Red shirt(the guy in the red shirt always dies) but maybe I will be blessed with a Captain's Yellow. I had seen this offer on the cereal boxes in the store but never considered ordering myself one.

So, if someone would like to take credit for this gift I will gladly say thank you.

That is all,

Newt

Jeff Parker is the Greatest Writer in the World

So, I just read about a competition online that is being held by superstar comic writer extrodinare, Jeff Parker. Don't know who he is? Well, that is a shame.

He wrote this. This is The Hood.



And this. Mysterius the Unfathomable was a great 6 issues series about a magician who is like that weird uncle you like but the rest of the family seems to shun. It was awesome.



He is one of the most creative writers out there and since everyone on this thing knows how good my taste is, you should believe me.

Well, a travesty has occured. You see, Jeff wrote one of my all time favorite comics, called the Exiles. It was about a group of alternate universe X-Men that jump from universe to universe trying to set the world back on the path it is supposed to be on. And, like all things good, it was cancelled. Well, you can read about the contest here but what I am writing about is to...

PIMP JEFF PARKER

so I can win stuff

You see, Jeff Parker is not all there. He currently writes a book called Agents of Atlas that involves, and I shit you not, a Giant Talking Gorilla, a killer Robot, a Uranian who can read minds, the Princess of Atlantis, Venus the Goddess of Love and a de-aged Asian guy who is also a secret agent and leader of a secret society. Oh, and I forgot there is also a talking Dragon named Lao.

WTF right? But it is awesome. I turn people on to this book every chance I get while working at Titan Comics. In fact, I got my best friend to read it and he dropped a higher selling book so, in his words, "I don't worry that New Avengers will get cancelled, but I am giving my dollars to AoA to hopefully help save it."

So, Jeff Parker has challenged me, not me personnaly but via his blog, to get people to read his stuff. I will start by saying I read everything he writes and that isn't an exaggeration. All of the books I talk about I have, or will have when they come out.

The Underground

This looks like it is going to be a fun book and I can not recommend the team enough. However, I don't have to as you can not only read a free B/W preview of the first issue here but you can also see how many good reviews it is getting.

Thunderbolts

I have read this book since it started and will not stop. It is essentially about villians who walk a fine line between going straight and secretly still being as bad as they can get away with. It has some twisted people on the team and is always one of the first books I read. Jeff is taking over soon and I can't wait.

He also has a couple of other projects out that may tickle your fancy.

Gorilla Man even thinks, "That Trinity is a Swell Guy". (It is hard to see but Jeff actually drew this for me in my copy of the Agents of Atlas Hardback.)

So, in closing, here is what I am going to do. If you go out and buy a Jeff Parker comic and don't like it, I will refund your money. No joke, I will give you back the $3 you spend if you don't enjoy it. You will have to tell me why, but I will. This doesn't count if you already buy any of them, but only one person who reads this does.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 235 - Getting Antsy

Far into the future of The Book, Day 361 to be precise, there is a task involving an ant, a pencil, and some trailing that I knew I wouldn't be able to do in December. Specifically because there are no freakin' ants around in December. I think they die or something. I am slightly off on days in terms of chronological ordering so I figured why get back on track? After arriving home this evening I decided today was I was going to find an ant and get this thing out of the way.

I found a few in the front yard, which is not supposed to be as I pay an exterminator and a yard guy to treat for them. I got the little bugger on a leaf, it took quite a bit of patience, and brought him inside.

The task was simple. Put an ant on the page of The Book and trace his steps with a pencil. Below is the result. This didn't take long because he left the page pretty quickly. He was a fast little guy.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 234 - Butterfly Effect

I got to put the Butterfly Effect to the test this morning as my task. I have had to wait until I saw one of the winged wonders before I could do this and at 9:30 a.m. I lucked out. We left the drive-thru of a local chain and as my father asked me if I was queer, to which I thought he said "are you clear" and told him, I hadn't checked because I was trying to be helpful while driving...sorry. I digressed there. Anyway, looking up, there was a tiny butterfly on the window of the glass.

We were about to turn out of the parking lot so I reached out and swiped the butterfly off the window, thus changing the course of history...possibly. The butterfly wouldn't have stayed on the window long but I moved it forward in its timeline. So, I guess I should monitor the news in the next few days and see if a typhoon kicks up in Taiwan or something.

I hope I didn't just kill anyone.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 233 - Contestulaphoria

So, today I am supposed to have experienced a new emotion...and I think I did. You may have read my post from yesterday about Jeff Parker's contest. Well, it seems I am currently in the lead. Below is the snapshot from his blog saying so.

Did you see that second "WAY"? That is what caused me to experience the new emotion I felt. I am calling it Contestulaphoria.

Contestulaphoria - def. (kon-test-u-laf-oria) Contestulaphoria is the extreme glee of being in the lead during an online competition. Person experiencing contestulaphoria are prone to high intensity squeals, uncontrolable hand movements and large grins on their faces.

And boy to I have it bad. Hopefully no one swoops in and takes my "Way" away. To keep my lead, I am going to keep the Parker post at the top of the blog until Monday night.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 232 - Hot Damn!!!

Today was deemed 'Sauna Day' by The Book. I was suppose to spend 20 minutes in a sauna to help purify my body and indulge in some healthy sweating.

How easy is that? I mean, everyone has a sauna in their house, right? No? You don't have a sauna in your home? Not even a little one?

Ain't that the shit? Cause neither do I!

I would just got to my gym and use the one there but they don't have one either because I go to a no frills gym. I didn't think I would ever need anything like this but I was wrong. So, I did as I always do and improvised.

Today the temperature got to around 98 degrees. That means that the inside temperature of the car would be about 114 degrees. So, when I got in my car to drive home, about a 25 minute drive, I didn't turn on the air conditioner. Lets just sit on that for a second. The next time you get in you car on a hot day, just sit there. Don't turn on the AC and see how enjoyable that is.

So now your thinking, "Jeez Trinity, that would be hot but not Sauna hot" and you are right. But, if you turn the heater on to say, I don't know, max heat and then crank it to 2 on the dial, well now your cooking with fire.

I left work right at 6 and got the oven going, sat fully dressed a polo and dress slacks in the truck and drove. The first 5 minutes were bearable because the car was only slightly baking. At 10 minutes sweat was forming on my brow in large beads. At 15 minutes I was sweating and starting to feel like my skin was baking. At 20 minutes I realized how dumb this idea was as my water had run out and I still had 5 minutes left to go. At 25 minutes I pulled into the garage and stepped into the cool 95 degree air.

Needless to say (Isn't that a funny expression? I mean, you say "Needless to say" but by saying it you deem it needed to be said. Makes you think), my crotch was sweaty, my pits were damp and my forehead was leaking. I guess I do have a sauna after all.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 231 - Aubrey

This is Aubrey. I am to memorize her face and if I see her, call her Aubrey and she will tell me a secret. She kind of looks like a young Parker Posey. I hope to meet her.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 230 - Paper Boy

Today my task was to look through the newspaper and read all of the ads. Then I was to judge the most truthful one and buy that product. So, sit with me as I read the newspaper. Come on. This is so exciting and you know it.

...

The Business section of The Dallas Morning News had quite a few ads pushing Small Business loans (don't need), entry into the SMU School of Business (Yeah, like I need another business degree), and something about a low interest rate on a CD (sure, if you have the greatest credit in the world) but I don't think any of these are right.

...

Lets visit the Sports Section

Tuesday is Pint Nite at Humperdink's Bar and Grill. For $1.99 a pint, you can't go wrong. This one is in the lead.

---

Ah, the Guide. Now here is a part of the paper littered with ads. Dallas Medical Spa has 9.50 Botox treatments. That doesn't sound right.

There is a 60 day Gut-Buster Boot Camp for only $66.00 from something called Private Workout.

Some stuff about Senior Citizen Living. That right there is a lie. Those are old folks homes no matter how much you clean them up.

---

Onto the Metro Section. Champion Windows and Siding claims they can save me money on energy bills. Not Likely.

I have never noticed but there were no ads in the Obituaries. Huh?

---

The Front section has an ad for Advanced Digital aids for $895. Then they try to up sell you with a deal on a 50% off super aid for $1395. That seems dishonest. Taking advantage of deaf people. You should be ashamed...Trinity Hearing Health care. Crap, they have my name.

There is also a replacement windows advertisement that says "From $224". That means there is absolutely no way that you can get them for that much. Liars.

Well, I guess that settles it. I will have to go drinking next Tuesday at Humperdink's. Darn, and I so wanted Botox.

That is all,

Newt

TBWDYL Day 229 - Sound Off

Today my wife helped me discover the sound tolerance of our surrounding neighborhood. You see, I was to volume test the neighbors today by turning the volume up on the stereo and find out the level in which the neighbors would come running.

However, I have a big black guy to the left of me and a old gay guy to the right and the idea of either coming to tell me my music is too loud wasn't as appealing as it may sound. Instead, I had Diana, cell phone in hand, go to each of their front doors as I stood in the house and turned the volume up. I had her call me when she heard the music and recorded the findings.

• Fairy Cowboy - Could be heard at a level of 48
• Scary Black Guy - Could be heard at 50
• Back Alley with Garage Open - Also heard at 50

Turns out the radio only goes to 50 but I didn't turn on the back speakers so we may have been able to get it at a lower volume. With the Annual White Trash Bash coming up, this is actually good info to have.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 228 - Can I have your Autograph?

I have had to put off today's task for a while but I finally got around to it today. I went to the Dallas Comicon today for a couple of hours and enjoyed some nerd-dom with my fellow fat virgins (I myself am no longer a virgin but I do recall it with acidity and thoroughly felt for all involved). The task was to get someone famous to sign the page of The Book and I did.


Meet Brandon Peterson.


If you don't know who he is then I am not surprised. He is famous though, well to comic book people he is. He himself told me that he would categorize himself as a D-Lister unless you are within the comics realm and then he might be more of a B. To familiarize yourself with him, look at some of his art.

Here is a cover to a Dr. Strange Comic:


Here is an image of the Mad God Thanos:


and here is an X-Men cover featuring Storm:

I was able to get some comics signed and get a sketch of the Inhumans King, Black Bolt at the same time.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 227 - Take a number

Today's task was simple, and not possible to do as it again involved www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com. I was supposed to go to the site today and get my new Personal International ID number. This number is supposed to take the place of my passport, drivers license, Social Security, and Publishers Clearinghouse number. I went but again, the site didn't think to keep this stuff on it so I am stuck with the only number it had on it.

I was visitor 8830157 to the site so I am guessing that will be my number. I guess I better start memorizing that.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 226 - Yo' Homes, Smell ya later!

If you recall, I have had to go through days without my sense of taste, sight or sound. Well, today my marker came due and I was supposed to go through the day without my sense of smell. I have been trying to figure out how to go about this one since I don't find it plausible that my boss would believe me when I explained the clothespin on my nose was just a new thing "the kids were doing". I tried to stuff a earplug up my nose yesterday as a test but it just itched and made me jerk it out when it started expanding.

Diana and I were talking when she saw me rub my finger behind my ear and sniff it. She suggested that maybe I should just go through the day not smelling myself and I realized that might work. It is my sense of smell that is being used and while I wasn't cutting myself off completely, my willpower and memory was going to be tested all throughout the day.

In case you don't know, I am a sniffer. I don't know if it is an actual psychological disorder but it should be. You see, I sniff my fingers all day. If I touch something, my first instinct is to automatically bring my finger to my nose and sniff. In this way I am part bloodhound because I lock onto the scent and don't let go.

It is probably rather embarrassing for Diana to have to put up with it. Most of the time I don't realize I do it.

Here are the top 9 places I sniff the most. Most of these are done via finger contact

1. My wrist where my watch band touches (Smells like leather and sweat)
2. My ring finger under my wedding ring (Smells of sour water)Behind my ears (Smells like Parmesan cheese)
3. The area where my nostril meets my face (indescribable)
4. My hair (Smells like hair and pineapple because of my gel)
5. The Dogs (Oh, so it's weird when I sniff my dogs but if a father sniffs his baby's hair that's OK?)
6. The Air (I swear I smell something)
7. My feet (After I take my socks off I am just curious what they smell like)
8. My ball sack (I know it is gross but I just do it so you go right ahead and judge)
9. My coin slot (Only right before I get in the shower)

In an effort to better control myself, I decided my wife was right and this would be more difficult than just plugging up my nose. So, I took on this with as much gusto as I had.

Upon getting out of bed I instantly had to remind myself not to smell my fingers. I went to the shower and scratched myself but didn't sniff. I then got out of the shower, intent on not checking to see if I smelled clean.

Getting to work, I went about my morning and after about 15 minutes of email and Internet, I sniffed my fingers. I don't know what caused it and I didn't mean to but it happened. I had let my guard down and faltered. But, it gave me a renewed sense of purpose and I stuck hard to avoiding sniffing.

I caught myself again while working on an email closer to lunch. By this time I had firmly been abstaining but after adjusting my watch I brought it close to my nose. Realizing what was happening, my left hand reacted as if propelled by some unseen force and slapped my arm away. It was a close call.

Things didn't get easier after lunch. I felt shame when, after messing with some papers, I found my fingers under my nostrils. Why does this affliction plague me?

I only had one additional sniffing incident that again involved my watchband. I was driving to pick up Diana when my watch band shifted on my wrist. Instantly, my wrist was to my nose. "What new scent has been created?" was all I could think about and as I sniffed, I realized what I was doing and instantly forced the air out of my nose, barely getting a slight whiff.

We spent the night out with friends and since I had a drink in my hand and was engaged in conversation, I guess I was able to avoid any additional breakdowns of will power. I need help.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 225 - I Heart You

So, today's task was to do something radical with my hair. I wanted to shave my head but socially that would have been a bad move. I have regrown my goatee and if I had no hair I would just look like a White Supremacist or a Professional Wrestler and neither of those things is appealing to me. I actually did go get a hair cut and had them shave it to an inch long but that actually looks the same as my normal hair cut so I couldn't count it.

I thought long and hard about all the hair that I have on my body and what could be radically done with it.

Should I braid my pit hair? No, that might stop me from raising my arms.

Should I finally shave my pubes off and go for the hardwood? No, I didn't care for that the last time.

Should I go buy an attachable pony tail and pretend I am living in 1985 when that was cool? Yes, but not today.

Diana has been out of town and was coming home today and it dawned on me that I could do this task and show my excitement and love for her return. Below is what I did to give my wife my heart.

That is all,

Newt

Urinalympics

I have a confession to make. I visibly light up every time I go to the urinal at work. You see, there is a button in the urinal that has been there for about a week. I guess it feel off of someones pants or shirt, I don't really know. But, the reason I light up is specifically because every time I see that button, I know I will get to play a game I like to call...

Button Pee Shooting

The rules are these: While standing at the urinal, begin peeing directly on the button and with your stream, force the button to the back of the urinal. Then, slow down your stream enough to hold it there and see how long you can force the button to spin. Extra points are given if you can push the button past the red urinal guard and onto the porcelain. If you can shoot it up the back of the urinal, you get even more points.

I love this game. I will get at least two shots at this a day from the amount of water I take in. The best is when you slow down your stream just so and then rare back with your butt and thrust your groin forward while pushing as much pee out as you can. By doing this you can really get some air on the button and make it shoot up the sides of the urinal.

Be warned, this is an art and beginners should not attempt the Super Soaker move without a trained professional to spot you. I am hoping to move up in class by attempting a running Super Soaker.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 224 - A River in Egypt

Today's task is one of the hardest ones I have had to do yet. I was supposed to deny myself something and I stupidly chose to deny myself the pleasure of reading new comics on Wednesday. Your thinking, "So what. What's the big deal with not reading comics for a day?"

You shut your filthy mouth! Sorry. I am really on edge. If comic book readers had a religious holiday it would be Wednesday. Not a certain Wednesday but all of them. 52 different holidays. It is the day when new comics hit comic shops for the majority of the country and it is the day I look most forward to each week.

I ask myself, "Which will you read first?", "What is going to happen this month in XXXXX?", and "Will so and so survive the clutches of such and such?". I am feeling withdrawal symptoms already and it isn't even the evening yet.

You see, I have a comic book ritual. Every Wednesday at lunch I go grab a Whataburger and afterwards head to Titan Comics, the greatest comic book store in the world. It is also the home of my second job. I walk in and immediately the comic shop owner walks over and pulls my weekly titles from my file, even if he is with a customer or on the phone. I then take my stash and instantly peruse through it to see what came out. I actually already know because I check an online database every week on Mondays to see what to expect. Yes, I am that anal-retentive.

I then walk to the back of the store where the new week rack is housed. From there I start alphabetically and check every single comic that is on the rack to make sure I a) didn't miss anything for the week and b) don't want to switch out my comic for a better copy or a different cover. Then I casually walk up front, stopping momentarily to shoot the shit with a coworker, and then pay. From there I rush back to work and sneak in a couple of comics before my lunch hour, or on Wednesdays my lunch hour and a few minutes more, is over.

I don't know that I can do this. I almost broke down and went to get them once already. I even thought of buying them and just not reading them but I don't think I have the willpower for that. Talk about a test of willpower; those things would sit there taunting me all night and I would probably wait til 12:01 just so I could start reading. And the worse part is that there are quite a few books that I consider "Must Read" out this week.

I am going to go huddle in a corner and cry now.

That is all,

Newt

A spot of tea and biscuits with my dear friend Kate

So, one of the benefits of blogging has been the meeting and conversing with new people from different parts of the globe. One of those people is a crazy broad that goes by the name of Kate. She has a blog that you should all be reading by now, as half of you found me through it.

Well, I have gotten to know Kate over the last few months and she was the recipient of the message in a bottle that I sent to her all the way in Norfolk, United Kingdom. In it I sent a lovely note, a copy of one of my favorite graphic novels, Fables, and some Cheetos. You can read the particulars here.

Anyway, Kate asked me if she could send me a thank you note so I gave her my address. Sunday, when I returned home from my trip to Washington D.C., I found a padded envelope in my mail box that contained the following.

One bar of some Cadbury candy called Fudge which was a thin chocolate covered bar of nougat. It was chewy and delicious.


A Cadbury bar called a Curlywurly which was a thin strip of caramel also covered in chocolate and got extremely chewy when I went nummy nummy on it too fast and got a mouth full.


Some of the infamous Jelly that Kate has written about as she is also known as the Phantom Jelly Biter. Due to the heat in Texas this one felt more like a water balloon until it got cooled off. I think this is going to end up being Jello but I haven't had time to make it yet.


I got a pack of Jelly Tots which are identical to Sour Patch Kids except they aren't sour.


I got a box of Jammie Dodgers that I haven't opened yet but from what I can tell, they are sort of damaged. The package rattles a lot so I am pretty sure the cookies have broken.

And finally I got a comic magazine from the UK. It is called VIZ and seems to be a mixture of MAD Magazine, Weekly World News, and Us Weekly. So far I have read a story about a woman who inserts her cell phone up her butt so her boyfriend can call it to get her off, and a story about a young Elton John faking a car crash for money. It is odd...but funny.


I have to say a big thanks to Kate for my presents. They are awesome and I love being able to try candy from other countries. Also, I especially thank her for the comic because it lets me see a little into the crazy world of British Comicdom.

I also learned Kate's last name and I somehow feel like it has moved us into a new phase of our friendship. Now if I could just figure out what she looks like then I will have the whole picture. As of right now, I only have half from a photo on her blog. She still hasn't proven she has a set of eyes.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 223 - Getting a little head

Today is Phrenology Day. Don't worry if you don't know what that is because I sure as hell didn't. I had a nifty diagram to lay out the different zones on my head and all I had to do was run my fingers over my skull and try to identify any unnatural protuberances it contains.

So, let's see. Oh, by the way, I am rubbing my head right now.

Hm mm? I think zone 22, which is the back space of my skull that apparently contains the area of the brain that contains the Memory of Names has a bump. I wonder if that bump is why I can't remember peoples names very well?

There is a little indention above my left ear that is supposed to affect the the Architectural Talent side of things. It is probably pushing on my brain and is the cause of my birdhouse debacle...and its subsequent lack of sale.

There are quite a few groves around sector 5 of my skull, the top most part of my skull that faces the sky. It contains the brain that helps build friendly attachments. I am not sure what a bump means but I like people and make friendly attachments quite frequently so that must be a good thing.

There is a huge lump at the base of my skull and that is the area that has Caustic Wit. I bet that is why I am super witty.

I actually got my hair cut today and so this is as accurate as it can be. So, the next time you wonder, "Why the hell would he do something like that?", maybe you can just chalk it up to a bad skull formation.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 222 - Carted off

Today's task was one more in line with the time frame of the 1950's because I was to go to the grocery store today and enter all of the contests. The problem is that it is the 21st century and this is a dying marketing tool that people don't use. I know that it can be utilized from time to time, hell we even print some of the stuff that gets used in these programs, but no matter how hard I looked I couldn't find anything to enter, and boy did I look.

I ended up altering my plan after realizing that it just wasn't going to happen. I had to shift gears and started looking for those coupon/recipe slips that are now prominently displayed throughout the store aisles. I found one for some deli meat that gave me what looks to be an awesome panini. I also picked up a recipe for dinner dish I think I might make.

At the checkout I got one last ray of hope for entering something, sort of. At checkout they always seem to be collecting money for a charity, be it Muscular Dystrophy or Testicular Cancer. So, the guy asked if I wanted to give a donation and I added a dollar to my checkout. With that he asked, "Do you want a coupon book?" Not knowing what he was talking about, I had him clarify and learned that my donation entitled me to a coupon book.

"Hell yes I want a coupon book," I thought and realized that I entered a dollar and came back with a prize. And oh what a prize it is.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 221 - Check, Check, Check

Have you ever counted the seconds in a minute as they happen? How about if you were to do it for 10 minutes? Would it start to make you better appreciate how long 10 minutes can actually be? What about 20? 30? What about 3 hours and 34 minutes? Anybody?

Well, that was yesterdays task and I was quite diligent in trying to complete it. I knew I would fail if I just counted in my head so I got the stopwatch function on my cell phone going and used it to count minutes. Below is the grid in which I was to check off each minute to try and better appreciate the true measure of time.

I did this in stages partly because I was on vacation at the time. Below are the time frames:

9:40 am to 10:52 am - While waiting for my wives to get ready to leave, I spent an hour and 12 minutes checking boxes.

12:19 pm to 12:52 pm - While eating lunch and then following the wives around a department store, H&M, I truly appreciated every minute. Did you know time slows down for men while shopping with women? It is a fact. I am now the authority on this as you know of no one else who actually counted minutes in a book while shopping with women.

2:03 p.m. to 2:08 p.m. - This was a quick 5 minutes while waiting in line at the Holocaust museum.

3:40 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. - I had some time to kill while waiting for the wives to finish the tour so I sat and counted.

5:19 p.m. to 5:53 p.m. - I checked the boxes as we drove to the airport to deposit me for my trek home.

6:22 p.m. to 7:11 p.m. - This was the last chance I had to do this up until they made us switch our phones off on the airplane.

The entire grid consisted of over 11 hours of check box availability but I didn't get that far. Still, over 3 hours is pretty extensive and you really get an idea of how slow time passes if you aren't having fun.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 220 - Oh, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want...

Well, this was day two of trying to find a celebrity in DC and I still had no luck. So, I had to scramble to find a day that I could do pretty late in the evening. The one I chose was Blue Sky Day. In it I was to

"forget the practicalities, decide what you really want out of life. I want..."

I thought about this for a minute and there has been something I have wanted to do for a long time and keep putting it off.

I want to skydive.

Hundreds of people do it every year and yet I keep hesitating. I don't know why but I do. I don't think it is the fear that is stopping me, or at least that isn't the main reason. It definitely isn't the cheapest past time in the world but I could make that happen. So, I am going to start looking into it and see if I can finally bring myself to pull the trigger.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 219 - Cutting Up

So, as you may have read in my last post, we are in our nations capital. With this comes lots of walking, museums, and eating at some pretty good places. It also brings the opportunity to see famous people and one of the days I have had to skip for the time being was to get an autograph of a famous person on a specific page.

I hoped that the opportunity to meet a famous chef, a pseudo-celeb, or dare I hope, The President would present itself and dutifully carried The Book with me throughout the entire day. When it was clear that meeting someone wasn't going to happen, I went to plan B. So, yesterdays task became "Cut in line" day.

I got the perfect opportunity to do so as Diana, Erin and I were walking back to the apartment. I asked, "Are we going back home?" to which Erin said yes and I chimed in, "Good because I need to go to the bathroom." Erin chimed back in that Diana called it first and that little mischievous grin popped on my face.

We stepped into the apartment and as Diana went to sit down her bag, I pounced. I threw my book bag down and ran to the toilet, locking the door behind me. I peed a glorious stream as the girls were forced into another of my plots. Sometimes cutting in line can be so relieving.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 218 - Sucks like a Hoover

So, today I was supposed to work the word Vortex into all of my conversations.

As I stepped out of the shower today, I used Vortex while talking to my wife. I can't remember the context but I think it had something to do with work. Maybe she remembers.

While covering our front desk, the guy that normally sits up there, Matt, came up and said "I need to get into my computer for a minute. Craig is impatient and I am the only one who can give him what he needs." To which I replied, "Well, don't let that vortex of importance that is forming over your head suck you into it."

While discussing the schedule at work one of our managers said "It will work as long as we can get the pressmen to listen to us." I chimed in with "Yeah, their heads are stuck in a vortex and they don't listen."

Diana and I are currently in Washington DC and while waiting on the shuttle I started commenting on how stupid the set up for the shuttle was. I made a comment to Diana that if one of the shuttles were to break the people would be stuck in a vortex of boredom while waiting for the next shuttle.

And finally, we were sitting in Erin's apartment, me reading and the girls discussing something when I threw in vortex and Diana said, "What is your deal with that word? You are really liking it today. You said it before at the airport." I played coy and just told her that I was trying to up my vocabulary and they bought it. When I told them this morning that this was my task, they felt silly for not picking up on it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 217 - Like my body?

I am a giver. And to prove it, I am putting this up for the Internet to see and know that I mean it when I say that once I die, you can ransack my body like the poor cousins when your Grandma dies.

The only thing I ask to keep is my skin. I kind of like it and when you get buried you might get cold. If that makes me greedy then so be it.

That is all,

Newt

Shitty Poetry

Stalling or To the Man shitting next to me

Why did you come interrupt me?
I was here first and yet you walk in as if you own the room.
Now I am awkward, now I am ashamed.
I won't be getting anything done while you are here but that doesn't seem to matter to you.

We are both here for the same thing yet I still find myself judging you.
You are loud and obnoxious while I try to be considerate of others around me.
How can you sit there and act as if I am not here?
And to be so wasteful. Haven't you ever heard of conservation?

I pray you leave, but you don't
Do you need all the pomp and circumstance?
Can you control your actions or are you just a product of our society?
And if you can't, then what has our society become?

I feel so much pressure to leave but I stay silent, almost frozen.
You start to stir and I think my mental jabs and pushes are finally working.
I rejoice as you get up to leave, thinking I can finally complete what I sat down to do.
As I hear the door shut behind you, a wave of relaxation occurs and I am relieved.

Snap, Snap, Snap

Newt

TBWCYL Day 216 - Brain Food

I currently have over 8000 comic books in my collection, I have upwards of 20+ mini busts and statues, I have over $1000 dollars in original comic book art work and sketches, and I have a book collection that never gets smaller. Oh, and did I mention a few action figures, collectible knives and some plates and stamps are also in the mix? So, you can see why today's task might be a problematic thing for me to do. You see, today I was suppose to start...a collection.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I didn't know what to do but I did know that I don't have room for any more collectible memorabilia, and then I went to the local Borders to spend a gift card I had. I found my new passion, the next thing I will throw myself into with wild abandon and roll around in like a stripper in a child's swimming pool filled with Jello. Zombie Literature.

That's right, Zombie Literature. I love zombies and this love has even helped me make a friend in the dear Girl Interrupted who has slowly worked her way into being one of my ten favorite peoples. I own no Zombie Literature at present, excluding the Walking Dead and Marvel Zombies trade paperbacks which don't count as they are comic based. So, as I walked around I discovered a sale. Whooooo!!! Sale. It was Buy One, Get One 50% Off. That's an average savings of 25% per book. CHA-CHING!

I immediately found one of the books I have been interested in reading.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

By reading this, I am probably going to have to sit down and read Pride and Prejudice just to really appreciate this book but ever since I heard about it I have wanted to read it. You're ordering it now aren't you?

The second book is one I have seen on the comic convention circuit and thought I should also pick up.

World War Z by Max Brooks

It involves an outbreak of Zombieitis and the aftermath that ensues after you have to fight a war against Zombies. I know I want to know the outcome.

So, I now have two new books to add to my new collection of Zombie Literature. I am pretty excited about this.

I will end this post with a story. One night about a year ago, I lay in bed thinking. My wife slept peacefully next to me but I couldn't go to sleep. I tossed and I turned but an eternal question gnawed at my grey matter and no matter what, I couldn't get to sleep until I had solved the problem.

I asked myself, "If a zombie attack were to happen right now, could we successfully defend our house and survive for a long period of time while waiting for them to starve?"

And the answer is, "Yes". I now have a plan of action on zombie attacks which involves moving all food, animals, and some reading material upstairs and then fortifying the staircase for protection. The single window we have on the second floor is not accessible without a latter, thus making it a safe access point and usable if necessary for quick escape. We would have running water from the bathroom and could fill the tub for extra if the fear of water loss was imminent. This would also allow us bathroom use. My wife has been briefed on these plans but I don't think she committed them to memory.

So, when it comes to zombies, this ain't my first rodeo.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture & TBWCYL Day 215: VIP

So, my task for today caused me to get a day off because I am not a VIP. You see, only certain people, VIPs, were allowed to buy and read The Book today. Since I wasn't the Vice President, Yoko Ono, or Don Johnson I got the day off. Apparently they wanted famous people to review the book so I decided to use my day off wisely.

I have done a few cartoons called Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture and it has been a long time since I have done one. So, here is a new one. Enjoy.


That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Loaf Pincher

What do you get when you mix 2 fat ass dogs and a trashcan full of goodies? This:

Hazel: Do you smell that?

Duncan: What?

H: I don't know. I think it smells like...French Bread.

D: What? Head swivels quickly back and forth Where?

H: I think it is in that giant food can we always get in trouble for digging in.

D: Oh no. You said that after that last caper you were going to stay away from that. Your tailbone hurt for hours.

H: Yo, biznitch. Don't be calling me out in front of my homies.

D: Homies? I'm the only other person here. I do not understand why you persist in pretending you are from the hood.

H: I will bust a cap in your ass.

D: You don't have opposable thumbs dumbass.

H: N E Ways. What are we going to do about the bread?

D: You know I can't reach that can.

H: You should have been a calico because you are such a pussy. Fine. I will get it.

Hazel stands up on her back legs and using her teeth, pulls the bag of old french bread out and onto the dining room floor.

H: I'm King of the World.

D: Do you do these things because you just can't help yourself or do you just enjoy getting in trouble?

H: Wha? Let's Eat!

We came home to find crumbs covering the rug and a half of a loaf of garlic bread missing.

When I asked Hazel why she did it, all I got was this face in response. It is very difficult to punish this face. As you can see, her belly is quite swollen. I have a feeling she will be having punishment enough in a couple of days trying to pass a half a loaf of bread.



That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 214 - Excuse me but can you tell me where...

My wife and I went on vacation, or more precisely a Daycation, today. My task was to pretend to be a tourist all day so we took the task as an opportunity to finally go see some of the things in Dallas that we have always meant to go see but never made the time for.

The Book had a checklist and I tried to follow it as best as possible.
10 am: Visit Big Monument. Check.

Our first stop this morning was at the 6th Floor Museum. In case you live under a rock, you might know that Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated John F. Kennedy from the 6th floor of the Dallas Book Depository. Well, I have lived in Dallas for over 4 years and I have never been to the museum. We took the tour and learned quite a bit about the day's events and everything that happened on that fateful day.

This is the Depository.

Here is myself and my lovely wife after the tour. We were so excited to be on vacation.


Here is a shot of Deely Plaza, which is very close to the grassy knoll that is in all of the conspiracies you hear about.


And here is the JFK Memorial that sits in Downtown Dallas.


1 PM: Lunch in tourist trap restaurant. Check, though we did this at noon.

We also went and ate at a huge tourist trap, Dick's Last Resort. It is a theme restaurant where the wait staff is rude and surly to you for your entire meal. They slam down your silverware, make fun of your license photo, and just give you crap all throughout your meal. The food isn't bad and they tie a nice little bib on you before your meal comes so that helps. I also got a Big Ass Beer and got to keep the glass. That is how bad this place is.


3 PM: Visit big Museum. Check. Though again, we did this earlier than required.

Afterwards, we hit the Dallas Museum of Art and walked around for over an hour. I am not a big museum person but I enjoyed it. Afterwards we went to Pokey O's for a nice Ice Cream Sandwich and went to the discount book store, Half Price Books, to peruse the shelves.

5 PM: Get laughed at by school kids. Nope. It was Sunday so there weren't any.

6 PM: Big Show. Well, that didn't really happen either but we did come home and do laundry. And there was a lot of it so that was at least Big.

9 PM: Get mugged by school kids. Again, that wasn't an option because of the Sunday thing.

But, aside from the later failings, I think we had a pretty good time and did a few things in Dallas that we always said we would to but never made ourselves go to.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 213 - Morning at the Museum

"Everyone has a favorite dinosaur." said The Book. "Go to your local natural history museum and make sure yours is properly represented." Well, it wasn't. I like the brontosaurus and there was only a picture of it. They had skeletal frames of:

The pterodactyl

The Tyrannosaurus Rex

and

The Triceratops

I have to say, even though the lack of long necks was missing, the Natural History museum in Dallas is freakin' sweet. They had a ton of mechanical exhibits, a section completely on the human body including a piece on vomiting with working vomit machine, and an awesome section for kids on the life of your backyard that included many things you would find in most.

I have never had a want to go to the museum but by the end I was extremely pleased and want to go back. They also had a special exhibit on the science of spying but I didn't have time to do it.

Science rocks.

That is all,

Newt