Today's task was to write the city I live in and request that the street I live on be renamed after me. Here is the email I sent to the City of Lewisville.
Hello, I am not really sure what the naming or renaming process is for street names is in Lewisville, but I am a resident there and would like to find out what it takes to rename a street. You see, I keep my yard clean every week, and aside from one or two other people, our street of Green Oak Blvd. is usually full of people who don’t mow, keep their bushes untrimmed, and generally don’t seem to give a darn about their yards. I propose that we rename Green Oak Blvd. Vaughn Blvd so that I may go up to them and tell them to clean up their yard or get off of my street. Is this possible? I find that it is highly unlikely but I thought I would check.
Thank you for your time,
Newt the Wonder Frog.
That is all,
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Today's task was to write the city I live in and request that the street I live on be renamed after me. Here is the email I sent to the City of Lewisville.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Today I was tasked with tracking my temperature so, armed only with my trusty Safeway brand electronic thermometer, I placed the little tip of the thermometer under my tongue and measured what happened.
7:15 am - 96.2
8:40 am - 96.3
10:20 am - 95.1
11:25 am - 96.8
12:50 pm - 97.5
2:10 pm - 95.6
3:30 pm - 97.6
5:00 pm - 97.7
6:15 pm - 98.0
8:10 pm - 97.5
10:20 pm - 97.0
I was surprised to find that I never hit the 98.6 degrees that is supposed to be the average temperature. I also have a sunburn from being at the lake yesterday and I assumed it would somehow increase my body temperature because of the excess heat that it puts off. I was apparently wrong about that too.
So, in conclusion I am a cool dude.
That is all,
Sunday, June 28, 2009
So, maybe you should head on over to Accountants Are Cool and put my unique mark on her blog. I also changed her password so she can't dismantle my work.
In fact, just moments after I did it, Jessica called Diana and luckily didn't get an answer because she had found my gift right after I put it there.
I am probably not going to get sex for a few days over this.
That is all,
So, yesterday I was supposed to go through a phase. I wanted to go through a phase that was different than a normal phase. So, I went through Jello phase yesterday. What is a Jello phase? Well, I just kept eating Jello single packets all day. Diana even noticed because after the second cup she exclaimed "Another one?"
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Yesterday's task was to "Try seducing someone way out of your league". Well, this is another task that kind of got screwed up by the fact that I'm...um...married. So, in reality I probably shouldn't be trying to seduce anyone. Diana kept saying that she was way out of my league but I told her I think The Book meant a league higher than the one you were in and not lower.
I wanted to do something to make this task completed so I decided to see if I could get one of my female coworkers to agree to go to lunch with me. In terms of being "out of my league" I guess I would consider her in that category because I get the impression that I am not her type from conversations we have had about the type of men she dates.
I set up the invite in what I thought was a perfect way. "Hey, I have to drive downtown to drop off a disk. Would you like to come along and we can grab some Twisted Root while we are down there?". Well, it didn't work because she deemed it too expensive and too fattening. Shot down!
I will throw this in. I guess my task worked it's way into a dream I had last night. I was driving in an imaginary city and stopped to grab lunch. I walked into this Schlotzky's that served tacos and chips and was immediately at a swimming pool. The girl of my dreams was there and I was a huge nerd in the dream. We knew each other though and so I was invited to help her play a game of war in the pool. In it, she got on my shoulders and I walked under water while she fought above. Also, I could breath under water as well.
As we did battle, I kept hearing her friends talking to her in this weird voice over montage of clips. Someone would say how I liked her, the next how it was sad that she teased me like she did, a third saying that I was pathetic. The girl of my dreams acted oblivious to this, not knowing how I felt. Yet I was still determined to kiss her.
I guess my dreams can be influenced by my tasks.
That is all,
Friday, June 26, 2009
I have been reading a book called Utterly Monkey and in it one of the title characters reminisces about a time in grade school where his mate gets suspended from school for causing trouble in class. Immediately I started to recollect my school days and the stupid things I did while there.
In the 9th grade, as a student at Midland Freshman, I was at a crossroads in deciding the person I would become. I was well liked by most people which allowed me any type of friend I wanted but for some reason, partly due to a previous friendship, I hung out with potheads while on the school grounds. I didn't associate with them outside of school but between the hours of 8 and 4 I talked, ate lunch with, and generally palled around with stoners.
One of these guys was an old friend from grade school by the name of Brian Nettles. I had been close friends with him starting around the 3rd or 4th grade but had distanced myself from him in the later years. The other guy that was in our primary group was a kid by the name of Jeff W. I can't remember his name anymore but we went all the way through High School together before he ended up committing suicide with a shotgun. It was a traumatic experience for Brian but by the time it had happened I had disassociated myself with all of these guys.
None the less, as you do with your friends, trying to impress them can become a goal...especially in High School where everyone is trying to fit in and determine who they are going to be. I have done many stupid things but in an effort to make the group I hung out with think that I was cool, I did something I really regret.
I can say that I was probably considered a pot head in the 9th school just by my associates. I have never taken a recreational drug and have no plans ever to but I was slightly familiar with the culture just by spending time with potheads. Not to mention that I was one of the bigger kids in school and dressed in shirts and shorts all the time.
But, and I don't recall what made me do this, one morning in an effort to impress people and make them think I was cool and dangerous, I brought alcohol to school with me. I mixed Vodka with Sprite in a Sprite bottle and brought it in my backpack into the quad area. I remember making some statement to the affect of "I had to get drunk this morning to make it through school today" or "Yeah, this is my morning drink". I can't remember my exact words but the point was to make people think that this was a regular occurrence for me.
All of my "friends" occasionally carried weed on them or had it close by. It seems so stupid now but even at my grade I knew I didn't want to smoke and I needed something that would put me on par with them. I had enough sense to keep it hidden and put it in a container that wouldn't draw attention. In reality it wasn't even that much alcohol but it was enough to make me look "finger quotes" Bad Ass "finger quotes" to all of my "friends".
There are times when "youth" and "stupidity" go hand in hand and that was one of those days. Looking back on it I can only laugh at how ridiculous it is to seek approval from people whose approval later didn't mean squat. I wasn't impressing a future company president or entrepreneur. I was impressing a washed out stoner, a suicide victim, and a bunch of nameless faces.
That is all,
Posted by Trinity at 12:30 PM
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So, today was kind of mean to me. I lost Duncan. I don't know how he got out but he is missing. I made these posters to try and find him.
I put them up all around the neighborhood and now I am just waiting for someone to call.
Really though, Duncan is at home and got a pretty haircut tonight.
That is all,
So, I was supposed to go on strike at work yesterday but they were buying me lunch for a plant function so I didn't want to jeopardize my free Barbecue so instead, I went on strike from The Book.
What does that mean? Is it a cop out? Does this count?
Well, I will explain. On a daily basis I have been completing tasks that are demeaning, embarrassing, and sometimes difficult. They push me and make me think outside the box. They cause me to step outside my comfort zone. They are occasionally monotonous and even less occasionally they are enjoyable. If that isn't a parallel to a job then I don't know what is.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So, a few weeks ago my good buddy Thomas and I got into a discussion in which he stated that I have too many books. We went round and round and I told him I thought that I had read the majority of them but that I had probably read all but about 10 % of them. Well, I decided that I was going to figure out the exact number and in doing so, catalog the entire Vaughn Library for insurance purposes. So, what happened?
Well, first let me take you on a tour of the Vaughn Library. The Vaughn Library was established in 2008 when a young go getter by the name of Trinity Vaughn convinced his wife that it was time to get rid of the old book cases and move up to a larger set. After crunching some numbers it was decided that Billy the Bookcase, a staple of the retail giant Ikea, could be bought and in budget. Thus the Library was formed.
Notice in this recent photo the sculptures that adorn the shelves of the library. Characters such as The Thing, Spider-Man, and the Machine Man are littered throughout the shelves. But not to be trumped, Jack in the Boxes such as Popeye and Mother Goose keep a good balance to the shelves.
The Vaughn Library has expanded out into a curio cabinet/desk that is housing the classics library.
So, now that you have seen the library maybe you agree with Thomas. So, lets get to the numbers. I broke down the 580 books we own into three categories. Books that are Diana's, books that I have read and are mine, and books that I haven't read and are considered mine. Here are the results.
That is all,
I was meant for today's task as today I was "Body Hair Day". I have some particular expertise in this area and so today I celebrated my body hair.
I started with a nice shower today. After shampooing my head I bypassed the body wash and grabbed the Head and Shoulders. I gave my entire body of hair a good lather and let the shampoo AND conditioner do it's magic.
After drying off I pulled out the comb and ran it through my chest, armpit, and pubic hairs to make sure that there weren't any tangles. Not for my hair there isn't. I was more gentle with my deodorant than usual and wore a polo to work to let my arm hair have some extra freedom.
After my body hair was confined to the prison of cotton and polyester blends all day, I hit the gym and let the sweat rinse me down. I have spent the rest of the night in just a pair of shorts to give every follicle a chance at the freedom it so richly deserves.
Viva le hair!!!
That is all,
Monday, June 22, 2009
So, one of the benefits of staying up all night was that as soon as midnight hit I was into Monday and I could use the fact that I was up anyway to do my task. Today's task was to "Stick a message on a fruit". And no, that doesn't mean I was suppose to put a sign on a gay person.
The Book came ready with some examples so on Friday I headed to the local Kinko's and enlarged the Book's stickers and had them printed on a piece of label paper. Then I cut them out and took them to the Tom Thumb. If you have never been to a grocery store late at night, it is an interesting place. There appeared to be one woman working at the check out, and a couple of stock guys were doing their bit as well. The store closes at 1 a.m. so I doubt they get much business past 10 but they stay open for schmucks like me.
I had prepped the stickers ahead of time and had them ready to go when I got to the fruit area. I felt slightly devious as I walked around putting mock labels on random fruits. After sticking the stickers on, I would turn the fruit in question around so when people find them it will be more surprising and ultimately more fun. "What is on the stickers" you ask?
A mango got the sticker saying "GMT - Genetically Modified Tomato"
I put "Help! I am Greg Dwek, a US citizen kidnapped by the anti-government forces in Nambia. For the last ten years they have made me work like a slave in their apple plantation in southern Nambia. This is the first message I have been able to smuggle out. Please alert the White House to my plight by passing on this apple! My life is in your hands." on a Granny Smith apple.
I slapped "Shave Me" on a kiwi. That was my favorite.
"$1 Million Inside!" went on a cantaloupe.
And I put "Technically I'm a vegetable" on a tomato. I liked the irony/sarcastic intent that this one had.
I think these harmless guerrilla tactic tasks are my favorite. I like to think that when people find these stickers they will get a chuckle and a story to tell their friends. I sometimes think back on these and laugh. I still expect a man to walk up and ask me why I sent him a picture of myself with a $5 bill.
That is all,
So, as you may have read I didn't do so hot on not sleeping yesterday so I decided to go for it for Day 172. I got up Sunday at 1 p.m. after my hangover was sufficiently quelled and I needed to eat. So, having gotten a lot more sleep than normal it seemed like today was the perfect day to do a "Don't go to bed" task. Below are the results
10:45 p.m. - Went and spent an hour at the gym to get my body moving and wake myself up.
11:45 p.m. - Went to the gas station and got a cup of stale coffee and a Gatorade. Then went to the grocery store.
12:05 p.m. - Bought groceries and performed Monday's task. See Day 173 post for more details.
12:45 p.m. - Did a pile of dishes that have been sitting in the sink.
1:30 a.m. - Cataloged comic books from Wednesday and put them on the computer. I am almost to 8000 issues in my library.
2:30 a.m. - Finished a graphic novel called JLA: earth 2 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely. Good stuff.
By this time my eyes have started to feel slightly buzzed and are showing some signs of fatigue.
4:00 a.m - Finished cataloging all of the graphic novels on our bookshelves for insurance spreadsheet.
4:20 a.m. - Made my lunch and gathered up all the garbage to be taken out.
I held out til after 5 a.m. and finally at 5:10 I had to go to sleep. Funny thing though. I got in bed and it took me 20 minutes before I could actually sleep. I guess my mind wasn't ready even though my body was. I got a good 45 minute nap in before I had to get up and get ready for work. I am exhausted and am really having trouble keeping my eyes open.
That is ...zzzzzzzz...wha?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I feel like crap today. Why? Well, I got a tad bit drunk last night at a friend's party and subsequently vomited in the bathroom, over the railing on the front porch, and if memory serves correctly, also on myself. It started getting a bit hazy as I sat hunched over falling asleep on the front porch while an acquaintance named John continuously handed me cups of water and kept saying "Trinity, Brother. You need to drink some of this."
The main issue with getting so drunk last night was that it prevented me from doing my task. Yes, that's right. I didn't do my task yesterday. I was suppose to stay up all night and not go to bed to better utilize the hours that I normally would be sleeping. I planned to go to the party, stay late, go grab breakfast around 3 a.m., and stay up all night doing odd jobs around the house. Well, when I woke up shirtless on the couch, not at home, with John on the floor and another guy on the other couch, I realized that I failed on day 171.
I never expected not to accomplish a task before. I move days around all of the time to make sure that none of these things is impossible. But, there is a silver lining. Flip ahead a couple of days to Day 173 - "come up with your own Book page idea!" Eureka. I can retroactively do this because I can take what I did last night and use it as an idea for the book. Woohooo!!!
So, Day 173 is now Day 171 and for my task, I deem that Day 171 was...
Drunk Dial someone today.
Get rip roaring drunk and call someone. Tell people what you really think about them. Be expressive. The later the better.
The best part about this is I did this last night without remembering. I called Diana on the way home and was informed that I had called her last night. I do not remember this. Here are some of the things I said.
"I am soooo drunk"
"Allison and Ryan aren't even here" (they were suppose to be)
"I want to have sex with you sooo bad right now"
I also proceeded to tell her all about the party and many other things. She told me it was later in the night but before midnight so I did this yesterday.
Side note: I went into my call history to see what time I called Diana and found that I made another call that I don't remember. It was to my friend Allison, who as I said before wasn't at the party. I have no idea what I might have told her but I have left her a voicemail to apologize anyway.
So, the streak continues. I am disappointed in myself for having to cheat like this but either way I was going to have to come up with something for Day 173 and I think my retroactive idea was keeping more in line with the ways of The Book than anything I could have come up with.
That is all,
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Diana left town and, per usual, I went and entertained myself. I took in "The Hangover" at the local mall and before doing so, I ran to the gym and hit the elliptical for 45 minutes. I have been going for 7 days straight and today was one of the days where I needed a new work out shirt. All of my other ones were dirty so I had to wear a regular T-shirt.
Note to self. Don't wear a Buck-ees T-shirt to the gym. Your nipples will fall off.
My titties are stinging. I have seen where runners band aid their nips before a marathon because the rubbing will chafe but I haven't ever had an issue before...until yesterday. All throughout I kept doing that thing where you pull on the cloth right above your nipple to try to stop friction but instead all it does is make you look like Madonna circa 1985 with a taut shirt that then falls back and keeps on rubbing. By the time I got done I almost cried.
I came home and changed and headed to grab some dinner at Chipotle', a franchise build your own burrito place, and as I was walking to my table I saw these two high school girls continually looking at me. At first I thought they were looking at something else but it was apparent after a while and they just kept giggling and smiling. I thought maybe, just maybe, my workout made me look hot or something and was feeling pretty good until I sat down at my table and dug in. I dropped a bit of rice out of my burrito and it landed on my lap where, low and behold, my fly was down. You know that sound when you let the air out of a balloon and it just goes flying around? My head did that.
None the less, afterward I went and saw "The Hangover" which is a solid renter if you don't go to the theatre. It is very funny and extremely dirty so be warned. I was not ready to come home at 9:30 pm so I decided to run to Kinko's for a book thing and then head to the $1 movie theatre that is a mile from the mall and see what they had playing.
I love this theatre because not only does it remind me of my childhood, the seats are from 1982 so that may be why, but it has an arcade that contains both a Ms. Pac-Man machine and a Simpsons Arcade machine. I loved both of these games and as creepy as it sounds, I occasionally stop there on the way home from work and play a dollar.
So, I went and watched "I Love You, Man" for the second time and had a blast. See this movie at some point in your life. It is too freaking funny.
That is all,
Friday, June 19, 2009
So, today's task was to sell something I have made. Well, remember that Birdhouse from Day 141? You can now own it. It is up for sale on Craig's List and for the low fee of One Dollar, you can own a piece of This Book Will Change Your Life memorabilia.
So, yesterday I was supposed to "Speak only in cliches" all day. The problem with this is I am not good at this. I tried to think of cliches to use throughout the day and only came up with a few. The Book listed quite a few for helpful reference but I kept forgetting them. Here are some I did use.
Grab the Bull by the Horns
Sometimes your the windshield, some times your the bug
Knock it out of the Park
You can't tame this Bucking Bronco
Shit or get off the Pot (Ironically, I told myself this one)
It is what it is
I may have used others but I can't remember. I was honestly better at this with Diana than people at work. I don't interact with many people to begin with at my job so when I occasionally had communication with the outside world, my guard was down and I wouldn't remember to do this until about half way through a conversation. I would say that I got off at least one in every long conversation I had.
So, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I would just like to say to Erin and Diana, "Suck It".
You see, the entire time that we were in Munich and Prague, I told them that I always knew where magnetic North was due to a large build up of Iron in the tip of my nose. I have always had a decent enough sense of North and while there we got lost a couple of times but I could always find North. They didn't believe me when I told them that scientists have found that there are traces of Iron in noses and that my nose had more than most. I mean, come on. Have you seen this thing. It's huge.
They kept telling me I was full of shit and that I was lying but I am now owed an apology. While I was wrong about Iron, it is apparently a substance called Magnetite, I finally found the article about it and the fact is I was ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear that Erin? You called me a liar but you were WRONG!!! I like the sound of that. Let's say it again. "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!" Oh, and Diana. You and Erin need matching shirts that say, "I was WRONG and Trinity was RIGHT" because you doubted your loving husband and for that I am hurt.
So, read this article and tell me I am full of shit now. It is below too.
Some years ago scientists at CALTECH (California Institute of Technology in Pasadena) discovered that humans possess a tiny, shiny crystal of magnetite in the ethmoid bone, located between your eyes, just behind the nose.
Magnetite is a magnetic mineral also possessed by homing pigeons, migratory salmon, dolphins, honeybees, and bats. Indeed, some bacteria even contain strands of magnetite that function, according to Dr Charles Walcott of the Cornell Laboratory of Ornithology in Ithaca, New York, "as tiny compass needles, allowing them [the bacteria] to orient themselves in the earth's magnetic field and swim down to their happy home in the mud".
It seems that magnetite helps direction finding in animals and helps migratory species migrate successfully by allowing them to draw upon the earth's magnetic fields. But scientists are not sure how they do this.
In any case, when it comes to humans, according to some experts, magnetite makes the ethmoid bone sensitive to the earth's magnetic field and helps your sense of direction.
Some, such as Dr Dennis J Walmsley and W Epps from the Department of Human Geography of the Australian National University in Canberra writing in Perceptual and Motor Skills as far back as in 1987, have even suggested that this "compass" was helpful in human evolution as it made migration and hunting easier.
Following this fascinating factoid, science journalist Marc McCutcheon entitled a book The Compass in Your Nose and Other Astonishing Facts.
Did you see that? He even wrote a book about it. People really shouldn't doubt me.
That is all,
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
As many of you may have noticed, I redesigned my blog yesterday. After many hours (I'm not kidding. I literally spent hours doing it) I finally got everything where it was supposed to be.
I know a lot of people have been adding skins to their blogs with photos, cute wrappings and other designs by using a gadget made by Blogger. Not this guy! Heck no, I set out to change my blog and with the help of PhotoShop, the Internet, and some good ole fashion trial and error you see before you the results.
HTML is a bitch!!! I don't understand it and aside from changing colors on my old blog it isn't that intuitive. I had to find a template I liked, go into the HTML and find the http:/ locations of all of the images linked to the template, save and edit their colors and sizes, and then relink them to a different web page just so the images I created were hosted somewhere that I could link to. The location? Well, I made a blog post at the beginning date of my blog and uploaded all of the images there so I could link to it. So you could say that I fulfilled the "Circle of Life" in my blog.
The trial and error part of Blogger can get really frustrating. After everything you have to do just to get ready, searching the HTML in the blog template is a pain in the motherboard. I don't know how many times I put the wrong image in or had to find a hex color generator to get the right color code to place in here.
All in all, I am pretty happy with the results. After blogging for 4 years, I guess a change was worth the trouble. Now if I can just get more people to read it, I might be moving in the right direction.
That is all,
Posted by Trinity at 12:43 PM
Today I get the day off from The Book. You see, today is 'Women Only Day' and is similar to the 'Men Only Day' from Day 144. So, as I am not a woman I am banned from today's events. But if you are a woman reader, maybe you will enjoy doing some of The Book's suggestions.
- Hold hands with a same sex friend
- Have multiple orgasms (Lucky!)
- Cry at the Movies
- Hate the food you're enjoying
- Stand by your man
- Make an entrance
- Admit you don't know something
- Stay at home from work with a headache
So Ladies, go out there and be all the woman you can be. I will sit down to pee in your honor.
That is all,
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Today is '2-D Voodoo Doll' day. The Book was kind enough to supply me with a 2 dimensional Voodoo Doll and some easy to follow instructions.
"Instructions: draw a line from our special 2-D pins to the areas of voodoo activity you require. White pins are for positive voodoo. Black pins are for negative voodoo. Remember! Any bad karma caused is your responsibility"
So, I picked my cousin, Philip, as the target for this voodoo. He is a baby daddy of the highest order and has been in and out of prison since he was a teenager. I figure if anyone needs voodoo, it will be him.
So, for the white pins I drew them to:
Acceptance (he needs to realize he is a loser and fix that)
Get Job (I don't believe he has ever held a job for more that a few months)
Enlightenment (Find a way to get past being a screw up and get back on a path to being better)
For the black pins I drew them to:
Freedom (Until he can get his act together, I don't think he needs to be released again)
Lose Hair (The Fro has got to Go. He is half African American and that half is in his hair)
Busted (If he does get out then I hope he gets busted again quickly. He usually does anyway so at least he won't get use to freedom)
Guilty (He keeps getting out on technicalities and luck. I think a Guilty verdict would be a good way to show him he isn't as cool as he thinks he is)
Impotence (I am doing this one for the entire world. I have lost count of how many kids he has)
So, for Philip's sake, I hope the voodoo works.
That is all,
Monday, June 15, 2009
Today, I had to do a task that I couldn't accomplish so I moved it around and pulled Day 133 out. It was to "Invent a new color" Day. So, I call this Newt Green. I used Adobe Illustrator 8 and pulled open the color tool. I entered in different values in the CMYK section until I got a color I liked.
If you ever need to make Newt Green, all you need are these values.
Now if I can only get Crayola to buy it from me.
That is all,
We have a guy retiring today from our company. One of our younger guys here asked him, "Jimmy, what are you going to do once you retire?"
Jimmy is a small man with large glasses, a slight stoop from old age, and a slow drawl. His response floored us.
"I'm gonna sit at home eating Cheetos, turn on the Playboy channel, and watch my dick turn orange."
I felt the need to share.
That is all,
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Today was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I got up and went to the gym and when I went outside, I found my truck had a flat. That was when I knew it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I took Diana's car to the gym and when I got there I realized I didn't bring my towel. That is really when I knew it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I came home from the gym and had to change the tire on my truck. While taking off one of the lug nuts I bent the bolt it was on. That is when I actually knew it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I took the tire to the NTB(National Tire and Battery) to have the flat fixed. It turns out that the tire was ruined by the piece of wire that had punctured it. I had to buy a new tire to replace it and that was what confirmed that it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
As I was waiting for the tire to be fixed, the technician came and asked about the bolt being difficult to remove the nut from. He came back five minutes later to tell me that it had broken off and would need to be replaced. That was the cherry on the sundae that made me sure it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I checked out and had to pay $275 to get the tire, oil change, and new bolt on my truck. No doubt in my mind that it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
We went to a housewarming party and I had a burger and a beer and...wait. What was I saying?
That is all,
So, today I was supposed to "Develop my very own eccentricity". Are you freakin' kidding me? I don't need another one of those. I have too many. If I am not smelling my watch band I am counting my teeth with my tongue or touching walls as I walk down the hallway. But, The Book says to do it so I guess I should.
I used to do this a long time ago but broke myself from it so I guess I will just take it up again. As I walk around I like to pull my middle finger up into my palm and shake my fingertip. It is weird but whatever.
So, since I haven't done it in a while I guess it will need some development. I have been slowly doing this all day and will continue to do so from now on. Ah finger flicking, how I have missed you.
That is all,
This is later than usual but I did my task for yesterday. It was to "Share somebody's pain" today. So that is what I did. I got in contact with a friend and asked them about some of the unfortunate occurrences that happened in their life and let them put some of that burden on me.
It wasn't a large thing and I don't feel like going into details.
That is all,
Friday, June 12, 2009
Does it say something about me that some of these tasks take me all day to get around to but when it comes to me stealing things, I just knock them out first thing in the morning?
I went to a local QT, which is a much better store as they serve fresh brewed tea, and got a drink before work. I am not a dumb criminal so as I walked towards the fountain, I scoped my surroundings and made sure to check for any cameras. My main fear in getting caught was I would get banned from the store and not be able to go get tea ever again.
I have been buying two drinks at a time due to a special they are running so I had two 32oz drinks in my hand and as I was putting lids on the cups, I reached around and grabbed a Snickers bar from a basket that had candy bars in it. I then went about my drink preparation. Then I slid the bar in my pocket.
I find that when shoplifting, the best method is to buy enough stuff that no one would ever expect you to steal anything. Not an obscene amount but just enough. So along with my two teas I also grabbed a couple of boxes of Gobstoppers and checked out.
They never suspected a thing.
That is all,
Thursday, June 11, 2009
This morning it was still raining heavily and we had an appointment with a vet for the dogs to begin their process of getting ready to move overseas. This was the worst day to have it though because after fighting traffic for an hour, we arrived at the vet and the power immediately shut off. We completed our appointment and Duncan and Hazel have EU approved identity chips in their backs now but I was sidetracked by the weather and forgot to stare down our vet. I did keep eye contact with her quite a bit though.
The main instances where I forcibly did this were this evening. I went to grab some milk and bread and I think I made the check out guy uncomfortable. As I was walking through the store I tried to make eye contact with other shoppers but it is amazing how quickly people will look at you and then immediately look away. I guess we see so many people on a daily basis that we just disregard them.
I did have a positive side effect from this. I went to Bahama Bucks to get Diana and I snow cones so as I went through the drive thru, I made sure to lock eyes with the 16 year old girl that took my money. I assume that was how old she was because she still had braces and seemed very young, though anymore I can't tell.
I had a free cone so I was only paying for one but after looking at me she gave me two punches towards my next free snow cone. Then she handed me the first cone and after flirtatiously giggling over forgetting the flavor I had, she went back in and I saw her talk to a girl and they both looked at me. She came back with the second cone and we locked eyes again. When I got home I realized she upsized Diana's cone for free. Oh yeah!!! I still got it.
I know I didn't do this enough but it did make me realize how difficult it can be to maintain eye contact with people. As I looked at the grocery clerk he instinctively turned his eyes away from me before I had a chance to lock eyes with him. This happened at other places too as I tried to lock on to people.
Oh well. I guess now that everyone who reads this has been hypnotized by my eyes picture I got some extra points.
That is all,
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I have been meaning to post this for a while but kept putting it off but since I can't sleep, I am taking the opportunity to get this up.
On our recent trip to Prague, I wanted to bring something specifically Czech back to the states for my Goddaughter Addison and my Nephew Luke. As we were shopping we learned of a Czech cartoon character called the Little Mole. It seems that this character is widely known throughout the Czech Republic and has stared in countless movies, cartoons and books for kids. As soon as I found this I knew that I had to find a book for the kids and bring it back.
So for the entire three days we were in Prague I searched for these books in English. I hit multiple gift shops, book stores and any other place that I thought might have them but had no luck. While the stuffed animals and toys were plentiful, I could find nothing in print. Finally, on our last day we were wandering around and found a three story toy store. Here they had exactly what I was looking for.
I bought three books: one for Addison, one for Luke and one for me. The titles were Little Mole and the Mother, Little Mole and the Rocket Ship, and Little Mole and his Toy Car. I chose to give Addison the one about the Mother and on a recent trip to Lubbock, I took it and a stuffed Mole and gave it to her.
I ran to get donuts one morning during my visit and when I came back Thomas asked if I had seen inside the book. They had originally come wrapped in plastic so I hadn't really looked in them and Thomas opened up a couple of pages and showed me the gift I had bought. Apparently Little Mole and the Mother isn't about Little Mole and his Mother but instead about a Hare who gives birth.
The story goes like this:
Initially Little Mole is told of a baby coming and is asked to help. All of a sudden the Hare and her husband are laying on the ground in a very unsanitary area as a Owl looks on. Little Mole gets very excited and goes to get a medical bag. When he gets back this is what he sees.
Holy Shit!!! Does that Rabbit have a Vag? And is that a face in there? OH MY GOD!!! What did I buy?
So, Little Mole seems perfectly OK with the idea of delivering this litter of hares and proceeds to get to it. He uses all the best Czech medical training and starts delivering the hares. Luckily this isn't medically factual or he might have wanted some gloves. So, if you are a mole delivering baby hares, how would you handle it? Well, by yanking them out Winnie the Pooh style.
That's right. He just reaches in and grabs their arms and gives a nice little tug. Last I checked, pediatricians didn't use this method but I haven't watched much Learning Channel so there may be some knew techniques I am unaware of. Little Mole better watch out though, his nose is sticking in some very sensitive areas. After the first couple of hares come out, this process really gets swinging. In total there are four hares born and I guess giving birth to a litter is like popping open a bottle of champagne. Once you pop the cork, they just shoot out.
Why, it looks like kids at the playground when they all came down the tube slide at the same time. Look at 'em go. Wheeeeeee!!!!
All in all I was quite surprised at my purchase. Now Addison will learn the Birds and the Bees, or in this case the Moles and the Hares, from a book and be completely confused when she realizes that babies aren't delivered by a cartoon mole.
I immediately came home and checked to make sure Little Mole and the Rocket Ship was, in fact, about an actual rocket ship.
That is all,
Today's task was another subversive bit of fun. These are the tasks I look forward to in The Book that make all the stupid, waste of time tasks worth the trouble.
I was to write a poem and leave it in public where someone will find it. Since it is New Comic Wednesday I took the opportunity to do something fun with this. I wrote this poem...
BAM! POW! ZAP!
Fist meets Face!
Bombs! Rockets! Guns!
Who says comcs are violent?
Then I placed it inside a copy of Deadpool #11 that came out today. For those who don't know, Deadpool is one of the more violent/funny books out on the shelves and I thought it ironic that whoever buys this will find my poem.
Also, here is a little bit of Deadpool fun to give you an idea of what people read in the comic book world. I love Deadpool.
That is all,
One day when Narcissus was out hunting stags, Echo stealthily followed the handsome youth through the woods, longing to address him but unable to speak first. When Narcissus finally heard footsteps and shouted "Who's there?", Echo answered "Who's there?" And so it went, until finally Echo showed herself and rushed to embrace the lovely youth. He pulled away from the nymph and vainly told her to leave him alone. Narcissus left Echo heartbroken and she spent the rest of her life in lonely glens, pining away for the love she never knew, until only her voice remained.
Nemisis heard this prayer and sent Narcissus his punishment. He came across a deep pool in a forest, from which he took a drink. As he did, he saw his reflection for the first time in his life and fell in love with the beautiful boy he was looking at, not realizing it was himself. Eventually, after pining away for a while, he realized that the image he saw in the pool was a reflection of himself. Realizing that he could not act upon this love, he tore at his dress and beat at his body, his life force draining out of him. As he died, the bodyless Echo came upon him and felt sorrow and pity. His soul was sent to "the darkest hell" and the narcissus flower grew where he died. It is said that Narcissus still keeps gazing on his image in the waters of the river Styx.
I took the mirror down over the sink to start the morning off correctly and had to wear glasses because I use a mirror to put my contacts in. I had to get dressed in our closet because we have a huge mirror hanging on the outside of the door and I guess I matched because Diana didn't say otherwise.
I encountered my first real issue involving driving. I turned the rear view mirror of the car down and didn't use it all day. However, I did have to use the side mirrors but I couldn't see myself in them so I count that as being successful. This was most annoying because I was constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't getting pulled over.
I had a couple of interesting encounters in restrooms because of this task. One of the restrooms in our building has a huge mirror right over the toilet. As I used it, I kept my back turned to the mirror the entire time. As I washed my hands I kept my eyes down and avoided seeing my beautiful face.
I also had a separate occurrence where I went to a different bathroom and used a stall to avoid the mirror. There was a guy in there using one of the urinals and he hadn't left by the time I was done so instead of washing my hands I just left the bathroom. He came out and found me using the kitchen sink to wash my hands and said "I was thinking I would never be able to shake your hand again." I don't know if he wondered why I didn't wash my hands in the sink next to him but that is a mystery I won't get the answer to.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I almost saw myself in a bar mirror but made sure to avoid my own gaze. I didn't want to get absorbed. I will say that as I was shaving this morning, using a mirror, that I missed seeing myself. Looking into my beautiful eyes in the rear view mirror was also a good way to start the morning.
That is all,
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
God I am hungover...or maybe a little drunk still. You see, it is 7:40 in the morning and last night things went a little sideways and I got drunk. I didn't mean to(I never do) and between going to dinner for a friend's birthday and then meeting some other friends for a second dinner at 9 pm, I had a few beers. Had I stopped before the second dinner I would have been fine but my ability to ascertain these things is not always the best.
Ugh. I just burped up some red lager. It isn't as good the second time around.
So, my task...that I did while drunk. I don't let anything stop me. Yesterday I was supposed to find a way to make $10 grow into $100. While I didn't actually see that happen, I tried my damnedest. Here was the plan.
I was going to buy ten $1 scratch off Lotto tickets. I would then take all of the winners, if they didn't add up to $100, and cash them in for more tickets. In this way I would either go broke or win $100(maybe more). It didn't work but I had fun with it.
I bought the first 10 tickets at a gas station next to Six Flags over Texas. MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN doesn't apply with scratch offs. I was half drunk by this point and had to stop to use the restroom and get directions so I asked the nice black lady behind the counter to take my money and give me some winners. In total out of ten tickets I only won $2.
After dinner we dropped our friends off at their hotel and I fell asleep in the passenger seat as Saint Diana, the patron saint of driving her drunk ass husband home, drove her drunk ass husband home. Suddenly I was jostled awake. We were at another gas station getting gas!!! I jumped out of the car and ran in to cash my ticket in because I needed to complete my task before I got home. I got two more $1 tickets and Eureka!!! I won another $2.
I took the ticket back in to the cashier who thought I was cashing it in but NO, I told him I needed to win $100 and I wasn't stopping til I did. I didn't. My last tickets were a bust and I went broke. Now I know what gamblers feel like when they think they are on top but end up loosing everything.
I feel that in theory this is a valid way to make $10 grow into $100. It didn't work for me but I might work for someone. If my luck would have been better, or I had bought different tickets, my success could have happened.
I woke up this morning to the realization I had forgotten to brush my teeth before bed. I asked Saint Diana to confirm this and she said, "No, you told me that (shrill)"If we're not having sex, I'm not brushing my teeth"." God I feel like ass.
That is all,
Sunday, June 07, 2009
So you know how I had to confess my sins a few days ago. Well apparently that was so I would know if I knew how to be sinful because today I was supposed to break at least one, if not more, of the 10 Commandments.
So, going against my normal self, I took the Lord's name in vain this morning for no reason in particular.
I also mowed my yard which seems directly in opposition to remembering the Sabbath. Not to mention that I didn't go to church so that right there was a big middle finger to the big guy.
I didn't murder, steal or bear false witness against my neighbor so those were left out. I also bought a Father's Day card so that right there is pretty good on the 'Honor thy Moms and Pops" rule. Oh, and no Adultery was committed today...OR any other day. Love You Honey!!!
I didn't build a new idol or anything but I played more Indiana Jones and in it I am looking for the Holy Grail. I don't think that can even be slightly interpreted though.
Since I have no Gods at all, I am not sure if that is or isn't breaking the "You shall have no other Gods besides Me" thing but I figure it couldn't hurt.
I tried to steal Diana's Ice Tea today using nefarious means and that right there sounds like so coveting to me. Yup, that was what that was, coveting.
So, I went 4 out of 10 for today. Not to bad. Or good. I don't really know.
That is all,
Yesterday's task had me all confused. I was suppose to act as if I were playing chess all day. It had a list of the pieces and how to act like them but I was continually gripped with the problem of behaving as if I was playing chess.
I tried to take on the characteristics of the Bishop piece. How? Well, it defines the Bishop as "are you intelligent but slightly devious, approaching conflict from an angle?"
Well, I am devious and like to attack conflict in fun ways. So, I used this and the need to walk at 45 degree angles and off I went to work. It was a comic book store weekend and I pulled my shift, all the while eating Everlasting Gobstoppers. What does that have to do with being a Bishop? Nothing. I just really like them.
I spent the day making decisive moves, positioning myself into a higher area of power. You see, we have a new guy at Titan Comics who is working for the summer as a helper. I gradually used my immense knowledge to reduce him in the eyes of the owner. We were doing an inventory and he kept calling out titles incorrectly. He would say Fantastic Four #1 when really it was Dark Reign Fantastic Four #1. I would kindly correct him but did it enough, with a few well placed, "The issue number is in the top left corner"s, that I made him look like the pawn that he is.
I also used some deceptive means to avoid a party I was supposed to go to. It was a Bachelor party and I didn't feel comfortable with going so I lied and said I had to work late. To stop myself from being a liar, I just worked til 7:02 pm. So, conflict averted and I was honest.
I spent the rest of the night in front of the Wii playing "Lego Indiana Jones: The Complete Saga" and then finishing my book. Not a killing move but by slowly reading chapters I do think that I killed the King of the Comic Strip, Charles Shultz, when I read the last page.
I went to bed at 2 in the morning so I lasted the entire "game" and survived it so I guess no one took me off the board. That is the lamest metaphor ever but oh well.
That is all,
Saturday, June 06, 2009
So, yesterday's task was a thinker. The Book dictated that today I was to redesign an already existing product and make it better. Sounds easy right? WRONG!!!
I spent the entire drive in to work brainstorming, couldn't think of a good idea and spent the entire time driving home doing the same. When I got home the only thing I could think of was to tape the remotes together to make a "Do-It Yourself Universal Remote" and that just isn't good enough.
Diana was no help with ideas either. She just sat there staring at me and being generally unhelpful. Finally I walked into my bedroom and saw a pair of 3D glasses when it hit me. I already had been meaning to do something similar already but hadn't made myself do it yet. I should explain.
If you can't tell by pictures, I am pretty hefty. This generally manifests itself in my belly but I also have a huge head.
Most peoples head look like this: o
Mine looks like this: 0
This comes into play because we went and saw 'Coraline' in 3D a few weeks back and the goggles they give you are supposed to be a one-size-fits-all type thing. Except when I put them on, the stems are forced to spread which causes the lenses to bow out like this: (
That means some of the 3D doesn't pop as much. All of this leads me to how I improved these stupid glasses. I pocketed my pair and brought them home to retrofit for my fat head so I could actually enjoy the movies when I go to them.
I took them out to the garage, fired up the circular saw, and sawed off about half of each of the stems right where they would meet the temples. Then I drilled a small hole in each of the stumps and attached one of Diana's old hair bandana things through the holes.
Voila, a one size fits all elastic banded set of 3D glasses to watch Digital 3D movies with. I can now see the entire movie in comfort.
And for you fasionistas out there I made them match a few of your outfits. Behold, it is a 2 sided band that can be rotated to help coordinate.
Sure, I will look funny in these when I pull them out but it's a dark theatre and why the hell are you looking at me anyway?
That is all,
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Some people may not know this but I can't say 'I believe in God', at least not in the traditional sense. I understand the need for religion and even like the idea in theory but just never have been a believer. However, if you don't engage me in discussions about it I usually keep my opinions to myself.
I also would like to point out that even though I am very skeptical about organized religion, I am respectful of it. I don't use the Lord's name in vain, I am very respectful in churches, and I respect The Bible. So, today's task was pretty bad when you consider that it is a direct mockery of religion. I was to go to a confessional today, catholic or not, and confess my sins to a priest. I decided to take a moral stand on teasing God so instead I found a suitable alternative.
I can confess my sins in the same manner as in a confessional and get my penance. So, some of the sins I took to confession? And they have a handy rating system for sins. It is A to E where A is the worst and E is the least sinful.
Consulting Horoscopes - Class E: This was done on a task so I owned up to it.
Excessive Consumerism - Class C: I spend $40 a week on comics and eat out like crazy.
Greed - Class D: I figure I am greedy at least some times so I threw this in to be safe.
Missing Mass on any Sunday or Holy Day of Obligation - Class A: I haven't been to church in so long I forget what it looks like.
Vandalism - Class D: Another task. The Book is making me sin...I didn't know that.
Any use of or purchasing of pornographic material - Class A: What can I say...I like to take care of business.
Fornication...premarital sex - Class A: This was an old one but I got the milk for free for a long time before I bought the cow. You know what I'm sayin'?
Masturbation - Class A: See Pornographic Material. There isn't a class higher than A but I should probably get an A+ on this one.
Oral sex - Class D: Shhhhhhh
Use of artificial birth control - Class A: OHHHH YEAHHH!!!!
Internal Sins(These were fun to pronounce)
Delectatio Morosa - the pleasure taken in a sinful thought or imagination even without desiring it - Class C: I have these all the time. I like sinful thoughts.
Gaudium - dwelling with complacency on sins already committed - Class C: Check! Like this one time...sorry. My mind started to wander.
Desiderium - the desire for what is sinful - Class B: Forbidden Fruit...ummmm!!!
Seven Deadly Sins
Vainglory (Pride) - Class A: Diana told me I had to do the highest on this. If she were as smart as me she would have seen that I don't have much of a problem with this.
Avarice - Class E: I had to look this definition up but I don't have much for gaining money. Stuff sure, but not money.
Gluttony - Class D: I eat too much...I drink too much...I want too much...TOO MUCH!!!
Lust - Class B: I am not even sure that there is any reason to say anything here.
Sloth - Class E: I don't get up early to work out but I make sure my yard is mowed.
Envy - Class D: Erin got a 32" TV a week after I bought a 27". I still haven't let it go.
Anger - Class E: I am actually pretty proud of this because while I become annoyed, perturbed, and frustrated I rarely become angry.
I am not counting "Gods Before Him" because I don't have any other Gods either.
Idolatory - Class C: I have an entire room dedicated to a super hero. Golden Calf anyone?
Blasphemy - Class A: I am so guilty of this it isn't funny. Actually, it is kinda funny.
Failure to Respect the Sabbath - Class C: I don't attend church and I am sick of Chick-Fil-A being closed on Sunday.
Theft - Class D: This is much more from my past but I steal CoffeeMate from the fridge at work.
Lying - Class C: I am pretty good at lying. Ask Diana.
Coveteousness - Class C: I don't mind if you have what I want, I want us both to have it.
So, I finished my confession and put all my sins in my "shopping cart" and off I went to confessional. The result...
So, it appears I will be starving for 3 weeks and pretty busy yelling "Mary" and "Father". So if you don't hear from me assume that is why.
Funny story. One of the sins was Felching. I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on the Wiki. Click here is you don't know. I wasn't guilty of it though, just to clear your minds
That is all,
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
So, today's task was pretty hard...hard work that is. I was tasked with working hard today which is actually something I have been known to do on occasion but try to shy away from it when possible.
I took this task very seriously and the second I started work, around 8:15 this morning, I didn't stop except to eat, pee, and get drinks of water. Here is how my day usually goes.
I get in at 7:45, check my Hotmail, comic book news sites, and my list of blogs for comments. Get a cup of coffee and a cup of water and sit at my computer chatting with my office mate. After shooting the shit for 10 minutes, I look at all the emails that have accumulated since yesterday and clean out my inbox. Then I go about the things I have written on my 'To Do' list and at least once an hour check the comic news sites and my blog to see if anything has changed. I lunch around 11:30, take advantage of 12:30 to 1:00 to get caught up on what I missed during lunch and go about the morning routine in the afternoon.
Today I came in and knocked out a blog before 8, started working some art files, updated a spreadsheet, had conference calls with a client where I had to lay down the law on them, and corrected some forms. I then updated a lot of artwork that needed corrections, faxed off a proof to a gentleman for a business card, and had a meeting with the VP of Sales and an Account Manager about a project. This was all before lunch. When I got back I worked on a project for a new client, and prepped documents to launch a new website I am working on. I knew I was busy because the entire day, and I do mean entire, I didn't touch the Internet unless it involved work related things.
If that doesn't constituted hard work then I don't know what does. Kind of sad that I had to have a book tell me to bust my ass.
That is all,
Yesterday I was tasked with talking to a plant for 1 hour. This was difficult only in the time assigned to it. So, I went out into my backyard to fire up the grill and started a chat with some smaller weeds that have been growing in between the small rocks in my backyard patio area. I pulled up a chair and got the grill fired up and while it was warming up the weeds and I had a little discussion about how they have been encroaching on my property.
I threw the leg away but I still am not sure what it belongs to. It had a cloven hoof and hair on its leg so it leads me to believe a deer, but it was too small to be a full deer so someone may have killed a Bambi and was trying to hide the evidence. More likely a dog carried it in and tried to bury it and wasn't successful.
I continued with my Plant Massacre by spraying down the weeds and afterwords gloating about it to said weeds as I grilled our dinner. They didn't seem to find our conversation very stimulating.
That is all,
Monday, June 01, 2009
OK. The contest is over and I now have an official "Last Words" to say if I die. All of this is contingent on if I can speak so if I die from biting my tongue, this may not work out.
I had a bunch of great entries and got a lot of laughs from them and I am happy to announce that the winner of the "Last Words" contest is...
While there were a few stronger contenders, Erin's "I hope there's iced tea wherever I'm going" came in at a close second, I felt that if I am to have my own 'Rosebud' then I wanted it to be the most questionable, debatable, and downright despicable statement I could. Saying I am becoming a God and then dying might lead people to worship me, question what I saw, or just think I was delusional. Who knows?
So, I am going to get Lee a certificate printed up in recognition for his awesome achievement.
That is all,
I was tasked today with writing a letter to...da da da...THE FUTURE!!!. I haven't put it in an envelope yet but I am going to write "Do Not Open until June 1, 2104." I wrote a short letter to the person who finds the envelope that included the following info.
Stock info for the day.
General Motors filing Bankruptcy.
Weekend Box office winner.
Conan O'Brien becomes host of Tonight Show.
I also wrote a little about the financial crisis and the overall shape of the world. My name was included and an explanation that I owned the house that the letter was found in.
I think I might throw it in the attic in the insulation. Maybe then it won't be found unless the house is demolished.
That is all,