Sunday, May 31, 2009

TBWCYL Day 151 - I just called...to say...I love you

Some days The Book is a jerk but today I was pleased with my task. I had to call my parents and tell them I loved them before it was to late.

So, I called my Dad and had a quick chat with him, which I need to do more often, and we don't really say "I Love You" so this was an anomaly. Here is how it went.

"bla bla bla...well I am going to go work on the fence."
"Ok."
"Ok. Bye."
"Wait. Dad."
"What?"
"I was just gonna tell you I love you."
"Oh. Well, I love you too."
"Great. Bye."
"Bye."

It was pretty funny and really went to show how manly we are.

I called my Mom later and we caught up on everything that was going on. I found out my Uncle Danny had been laid off two weeks ago, my nephew has a tooth coming in, my Grandma is doing good and Mom is stressed about work. After all that, I wanted to tell her I loved her and I did. She hasn't had a good couple of weeks.

So, while The Book can be a huge dick from time to time, it actually has some redeeming qualities. Kind of like me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 150 - What I meant to say was...

So, we were in Austin this weekend for a wedding and I wasn't able to post. But, of course I still did my tasks. Saturday was "Subtext Day" and it was a good day for it. I was suppose to read between the lines on what people actually meant when they said things. The best part was I was going to a wedding where I would get to meet tons of people and catch their real meanings. Below was the results.

Brides Father: "Hello, I am Joe Mokry."
I am footing the bill for this so you need to remember that.
"Trinity...ohh THE Trinity. We have heard so much about you."
You are that dumbass my daughter always talks about.
"I feel like I know you from all the stories. Ginger. This is Trinity"
You are one dumb sonofabitch.

Mother of the Bride
"Trinity Vaughn!!! It is so nice to finally meet you. I have heard all about you."
I thought this guy was made up because no one can be that ridiculous.

Sister of the Bride
"TRINITY!!!"
Dumbass!!! (I add that I have talked to this sister on the phone while drunk. By that I mean both parties were drunk)

Other sister of the Bride
"So where are you from?"
Am I going to even recognize the city?
"Dallas? Wait, are you Trinity?"
He exists!
"Oh my goodness. We saw photos from the Ugly Sweater Party."
I have seen you do things no one should ever have seen.

This continued all night and I have to say, I have a reputation that I was unaware of. I am pretty sure the brides family thinks I am either the most interesting or stupidest man in the world. The wedding was a blast and things continued on into the night and at a local bar in Austin called the G & S Lounge.

Also odd was that a set of twins that I went to High School with are sisters to one of the bride and grooms best friends. I had met her previously and after meeting, her sisters saw pictures of me and recognized me from Midland High. It made for the following subtext.

"Hi, I'm Megan. We went to school together."
You look really familiar and I hope we weren't friends in school because I don't remember your name.
"This is so funny that we both know Ryan and Allison."
Why can't I escape the black hole of Midland, Texas?

Later in the night when we arrived at the bar...
"Trinity, this is my sister Erin."(the other twin)
Since we both know you can't tell the difference, I am going to make sure you know this isn't the other sister.
"No, really. We aren't playing a joke. Megan had to leave but this is Erin."
No dip shit, we aren't in an episode of Sister, Sister. They actually switched.
"Hi. I think we might have hung out a couple of times in high school"
No we didn't but I think this kid was a loser so I will throw him a bone.

By the end of the night we all became great friends and found even more connections to other people that we had no idea connected us. At this point I increased my alcohol intake and subtext went right out the window.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, May 29, 2009

Love is..bullshit

I had this random thought this morning about that comic strip "love is..." I hate it. It is stupid and I don't care for it and if the things that pop up on this are what love really is, then I don't think I have ever been in love in my life because I would have been perpetually vomiting and would have noticed.

Below is a cartoon of "love is..."


What the F? When he enjoys being told what to do? Are you F***ing kidding me. Men don't like to be told what to do and if they do then they have a vagina. Or they are wearing a leather mask and she better be using a whip because that is the only way that I would ever enjoy being bossed around.

The entire premise of this cartoon strip is stupid. The only reason that weird looking kid even hangs around that weird looking girl is because she never wears clothes. Have you ever realized they are both naked?

channelling my best Billy Graham
"This is pornography."

Not really but it is stupid. In a world where Dennis the Menace is constantly plaguing Mr. Wilson and those Family Circus kids are walking around shitting dotted lines where ever they go, how does anyone want to know what "love is..."?


NEWSFLASH

The "love is..." cartoon is written by a woman. SHOCKER!!!!!!! Only a woman would write, "...when he enjoys being told what to do." How about this. Let a man write this cartoon for a week. Here is what you would get.

Monday: "love is...when she doesn't ask me stupid questions"
Tuesday: "love is...telling her she looks fat and living to tell the tale"
Wednesday: "love is...coming home to a beer, a meal, and peace and quite"
Thursday: "love is...your wife farting and when you look at each other you just giggle"
Friday: "love is...never having to say you're at fault"
Saturday: "love is...when she gives me a BJ"
Sunday: "love is...forgetting how long you have been married because after a while you forget and that isn't an insult, it's just the way things work."

My mind goes numb just thinking about it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 149 - Fix it

Today, I am supposed to help solve "An Intractable Global Geopolitical Crisis." The book suggests I come up with an idea and send it in to the U.N. but I think we all know that nothing would happen with this so instead I did something with actual value.


I donated $25 to UNICEF. If you don't know, UNICEF is a great organization that works globally to treat AIDS and HIV in children in impoverished areas, supplying much needed education to kids in high poverty parts of the world, supplying food vaccines, and clean water to Third World countries, and protect children from violence.

I know it is only $25 but it is also a start. The U.S Population Clock says that as of today, the United States has 306,537,460 people. If 1 percent of the American public donated $25, that would be a total of

7,664,325
That is ridiculous. 7 Million dollars by 1% of America. Even if we only did a tenth of a percent we could still reach almost a million bucks...and that is only for America.
So, I have done my part to help a Global Crisis in a real way.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 148 - Duly Noted

So, the book gave me an easy and fun task today. It has 4 notes on today's page and all I had to do was put the notes under peoples wiper blades on their cars for them to find.

The notes consist of...

I'm a traffic warden but today I feel lenient. Don't do it again though.

We've discovered your car is the one responsible for all the damage to the ozone layer; please bike to work in future.

I've left someone in your trunk. I'll pick him up next week if that's ok.

I'm the engineer who made this vehicle. The brakes aren't very good cos I was hungover that day. Watch out.

We went to dinner last night at a nice enough Italian restaurant and when we left I quickly distributed all 4 of these notes on random cars in the parking lot. I hope they brought a little smile to whoever finds them.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

TBWCYL Day 147 - Cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

So, today's task was to change someone's mind.

Diana has refused for the past year or so to watch the new "Transformers" movie with Shia Labeouf. I have argued with her, begged her, and demanded that she watch it, to no avail. Finally, over the weekend I got some extra ammunition when Jessica, Thomas' wife, said that she liked it. I brought this info home and my wife didn't care.

Tonight I finally got her to agree to watch it by bribing her with a back rub and an agreement that I would watch "Australia". She was adamant that she would never watch it but since she changed her mind I completed my task. So, what was the outcome?

Well, you know that part where Sam takes the Cube and shoves it in Megatron's chest, killing him and saving Optimus Prime? Or that part where Megatron thaws out and all hell breaks loose as he starts coming after the Allspark? Or when all the Decepticons converge with the Autobots and the final battle happens? Well, Diana doesn't because she somehow fell asleep for the last half hour of the movie. AAAHHHHHAHRHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

How can this happen? She didn't like it. She didn't like Shia Labeouf's witty Sam character, she didn't like the annoying cop(though I don't care for him), and she didn't like, and I quote, "The robot's voices. They were annoying." What?!? They sounded like robots.
She can suspend disbelief about a man in a suit of armor or a guy turning into a giant green Hulk but she didn't enjoy the giant robots fighting. How does that make any sense?

I was sure that if I just got her to watch it that she would like it....Sure!!! I thought I could get her to change her mind about liking the movie and not just watching it. How could I be so wrong? How could she not enjoy it? Who did I marry? I have to watch "Australia". Good Grief.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

TBWCYL Day 146 - The Final Answer

Today I am suppose to decide my last words. I came up with a few.

"No, Diana!!! Put down the gun."

"Why does this sandwich taste like poison?"

"This burger is good...why is my arm tingling?"

So, I came up with a great idea. I am going to let you, my faithful readers, choose my last words. Comments on these posts has been lacking so maybe this will generate some new interest.

I will open this up for a week and the person who comes up with the best "Last Words" will get the knowledge that if I have the power and ability, I will utter the last words that the winner submits. So, anyone is allowed to enter and you can enter as many times as you want. You have until June 1st.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, May 25, 2009

TBWCYL Day 145 - Urban Renewal

Today I had to create a new urban myth. With all urban myths it has to be spread so whenever you get the chance, it is up to you dear reader to spread this out to other people. This will not work unless you do. So spread this around.

Did you know that if you give Viagra to women it has the opposite effect than if given to men. A doctor in Germany did test trials on women between the ages of 18 and 40 to determine if women get arousal from use of Viagra. He initially spiked his wife's orange juice every morning and tested the results. He was disappointed to find that his wife's sexual drive didn't increase and actually took a large drop. Her ability to get aroused was non-existent and every effort to achieve climax was met with disappointment. He soon launched a study into the matter with a large test group and determined that the pill shuts down the pleasure center of the female brain.

So, I think this will constitute an urban myth and is completely pulled out from my butt so as long as we can spread this around, I think people will believe it.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, May 24, 2009

TBWCYL Day 144 - Man oh man

Today I celebrated being a man. That was the task and it was the perfect weekend to do it because I am visiting my buddy Thomas in Lubbock all weekend.

I started the morning with something any man would normally start their morning with...coffee. But soon after, around 10 am, I had a beer. It was dark and delicious. Just the thing to start off a manly morning.

There is an innate ability of the Y chromosome to sit without talking and Thomas and I did just that. We sat in a room for over an hour reading and not saying crap to one another. I might have been able to do this with Diana but most women couldn't handle keeping their yaps shut for that long.

We had to perform a lot of womanly duties today because Thomas' wife, Jessica, was out of town all weekend and it fell on us to take care of the baby. But she returned around lunch so we went to eat Bar B Q at a local place here. I put back a half a pound of pork and some corn...a real manly meal.

On the way to Thomas' house, I farted with an intensity that would make Paul Bunyan proud. It had a noxious odor to it that was a admirable to farting. I have had an awful case of beer farts all weekend and today I made use of them by farting at any moment available.

Against the theme of the day, Thomas and I met my gay friend, Dan, for a movie. We saw the nerdiest thing possible by watching the new Star Trek film and it was awesome. I had to pee so bad that I unbuckled my belt right in the theatre and once we were done, I celebrated by taking one of the longest pees in my history. It rivaled my Record attempt.

Can I just say that peeing standing up should have it's own holiday. Screw Juneteenth and MLK day, Stand up and Pee day should be put into law. It is so awesome to yank out my wang and shoot it into a large wall unit and then just shake it off and put it back in my pants. No wiping, no stall doors, and no lines. It sucks to be a woman for many reasons but this one has got to be the most consistent.

We went over to Dan's house for dinner and had steak and played bored games before returning home. I finished the night with another beer and peed outside against the fence. It was awesome. Girls are so screwed.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 143 - Good for one...

So, today's task was simple. I just had to go to Kinkos and copy a few friendship coupons out of The Book and hand them out to my friends. Luckily, I am spending the weekend with Thomas so I just handed him a few.

So, he got
One Bitching Session
One Round of Drinks(I bought the beer yesterday so I already covered this one)
One Drunken Binge

I kept the other three to hand out later.
One Embarrassing Secret
One Hug
One Piece of Honest Advice

I may just find other people to hand those out to.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, May 22, 2009

TBWCYL Day 142 - You have no Taste

So, today is another "Loose a Sense Day" and I have been deemed to loose my sense of taste. This is actually one I can do at work which is a nice change of pace. I had to go buy a bottle of that spray you use for the back of your throat when you have a sore throat, Chloraseptic, and before every meal, I let some sit in my mouth and let my tongue loose all sensation. Oh joy.

I started first thing this morning and had a bowl of Maple Sugar Life Cereal. Or, more precisely, I had a bowl that tasted like menthol and had an odd texture similar to hay. The Chloraseptic lasts for about 4 bites and then the tongue began to gain some level of sensation so food had a hint of flavor by the end.

sigh "This is going to be harder than I thought."

I had a few crackers for a snack and the drug really held the flavor back on these. So, I got all the mushy goodness of cracker in my teeth but none of the flavor. Yipeee!!!!

My lunch was a sandwich and Cheez-Its. I ate the crackers first with a huge swig of the green menthol goodness but after a few bites the taste of Cheddar and Parmesan started to creep in.

I doubled my efforts on the sandwich and it worked much better. I had the sensation of the cold roast beef without the pesky flavor. The bread had a lack of flavor to begin with so that helped the process.

I have been hungry all day and I am wondering if part of it might just be that since I can't taste the food correctly, I am not as satisfied and thus I stay hungry.

This process didn't work any better on chocolate or beer. I drove to Lubbock tonight and didn't even attempt to try this process against dinner because the awesome power of Whataburgr would have easily overpowered any chemical that was on my tongue. But I tried it with a beer and after 2 drinks it was taken down.

This was both the easiest and least successful "Senseless" day. I was glad to be done with the more important senses though. I guess this just leaves smell and touch and I don't even know what that is going to entail.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 141 - For Rent - One Birdhouse

Today's task was pretty simple and I have to say, I am pretty proud of the end result. What you are looking at is a Grade A, 100% American Made Bird House.




I took the wood from the cross I carried on Day 100 and with a little know how and a few screws, I constructed one of the finest pieces of Aviary habitation that man has ever seen. If any readers out there need a fine birdhouse like this, just let me know. I still have half a cross and can probably get you one made.

The best part of this construction, and I know you probably won't believe this with the superior craftsmanship that is apparent, is that it only took me about 15 minutes to complete. Pull your jaws off the floor. I hung this beauty out on the back porch so I will see what happens and maybe soon I will have a little bird family living in it. I think I might move it closer to the back yard though.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, May 21, 2009

TBWCYL Day 140 - Kall Kall Kall

So, I got to call the Ku Klux Klan today for my task and prank call them. There phone number is (870) 427-3414 and they are based out of Harrison, Arizona. I was sort of surprised to hear that. As this book has been known to play a joke on me, I wasn't sure if I would actually be calling the Klan so I was hesitant on the call. Here is how it went.

(In a rushed voice) Hello, Christian Concepts. How can I help you?
(long pause)Um...Hello?
Yes, how can I help you?
Who did I call?
Can I help you?
I might have the wrong number. Who is this again?
This is Christian Concepts.
Oh, what was your name?
...
Well, I think I have the wrong number.
OK.(hung up on me)

So, I looked up on YellowPages.com and searched the phone number. I wouldn't have been surprised to find that The Book had caused me to call a church group instead of the Klan. Then I found this.



Those dirty dogs have more than one name. If I ever heard a more chicken shit thing than this I don't recall it. Not only do they hide their faces under hoods because they are to afraid to show them and spout there racist rhetoric, but now they put a Christian face on their hate group and don't even have the guts to answer the phone "Ku Klux Klan. We don't flinch when it's time to lynch."

I have always been disgusted with these people and I did try again later in the day when I had time but they were closed. I came up with a great prank though. Here is how I was going to handle it.

Hello. Christian Concepts. How can I help you?
Hello, I am with the Arkansas chapter of the NAACP and we are currently doing our fundraising drive to raise money for college scholarships to area colleges for underprivileged minorities. We were calling to see if you would be interested in donating.
Hell no, you *&^*^%&^ ass (*#$()(* better not call here again.

After that I am not sure what else would have happened but I think it would have been funny. Instead I just got the machine.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

TBWCYL Day 137 no wait, it is 139 - Now I am cheesed!

So, yesterday's task was to eat 100 oz of cheese and then see if it influenced my dreams. That means I was somehow supposed to eat over 6 lbs of cheese in one day and still be alive to write this. The book listed specific cheeses to choose from and what might come up in my dreams.

Gorgonzola (Vampires)
Brie (falling from great heights)
Gruyere (castration anxiety)
Danish Blue (zombies)
Parmesan (friends deserting you)
Emmental (going to hell)
Stilton (loss of loved one)
Rocquefort (general sweatiness)

So, after swearing off the eating of Gruyere for the rest of my life we headed to the store where I could only remember the Brie was on the list. I had 3 triangles of Brie in our cart when I saw that they sold Muenster and since it sounds like Monster and this is all about scary dreams, I instantly thought it was on the list and bought it instead.

I didn't buy 100 oz though. That is just impossible. I am pretty sure you would die, or get randomly attacked by hordes of guerrilla mice. I bought three 8 oz blocks in hopes that I could stomach that. I started strong by slowly eating the first block with crackers throughout the morning at my desk. I skipped lunch, as I don't think there was room for food, and as I drove home for the day, busted open a second block and ate it like a giant candy bar.

I couldn't finish half of it before I got home and we ate dinner and went and watched 'Angels and Demons'. We got home around 10:30 pm and I jumped back on and wolfed down about half of what I had left on the second block before I couldn't take anymore.I estimate I ate about 14 oz of cheese which seemed sufficient to try to influence my dreams.

I woke up in the middle of the night having just relived the entire movie of 'Angels and Demons' with me as the main character. I had placed a pencil next to my bedside so I could jot down any dreams that I had but sleepy and writing in the dark made for a series of scribbles that look to say
4 uat holy qty feet (I have no idea what this one is)
Sench chrohs (This was probably 'Search for Christ')
get to solve chans (I think this was 'get to solve case')

I woke up a second time to remember a scene where I went to my dead Grandparents house where I was a scene of by Granny attempting to get my Grandpa Pete out of a chair by pulling him out with a rocking motion. I stopped her and picked up my Grandpa by lifting his frail body out of the chair. He was light until I lifted him so I struggled with getting him into a recliner where, once in it, he fell asleep.

My final dream consisted of some type of secret location that I was taken to to be recruited for something. I remember a few key points.
1. One of the older sales people from my company was responsible for the kidnapping of me.
2. He went to get a cup of coffee and used sperm as creamer. I know this is gross but I just remember that is was in a giant tub with a spout and he dropped some in. It came out slightly orange.
3. The secret location had 2 ice cream stands, one of which had left a faucet running. I made sure to turn it off.
4. An old acquaintance of mine worked at the other counter. I stared at her for a while and Elliot from Scrubs showed up and told me I was in love with the girl. Then the acquaintance came and gave me a cookie.

I can't say that I blame the cheese for this because a lot of my dreams are weird. However, if I don't poop for a few days, I am confident that will be from the cheese.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

All things Random

I have a confession to make. I am getting frustrated with The Book. I started doing the darn thing to give me something to post about daily but now it has started to feel like a chore. I am 139 days in and have started to loose a little steam. Also, I haven't felt as lively on my other posting because I do post once a day. So, to free my head of some clutter I present...All Things Random.

While on a train going between Munich and Prague, we discovered that if you go to the bathroom on the train, your flush deposits anything you release directly onto the train tracks. I stumbled across this when I flushed the toilet and then opened the window in the bathroom to look outside. Yes, that in and of itself was kind of weird. None the less, I saw water splash. I flushed again and saw it happen again. Diana later confirmed because after we switched trains in Prague, she went to the bathroom and when she flushed it just opened to the ground and you could see the tracks flashing by. She spent the rest of the ride looking for little toilet paper poo bombs on the ground as we rode along.
---
I hate going to the bathroom in airplanes. I had to though and there is a level of awkwardness not only as you stand outside that little 2 panel door as you time the person already in there, we all know what your doing in there because it doesn't take 10 minutes to pee, but the entire time I sit there doing my business I know that someone is repeating the cycle outside. I don't like the pressure. Give me some space man!!!!
---
I had to go 9 days without sex this week and I think I understand what torture victims go through. All of our hotel rooms were shared between myself, Diana, Erin, and occasionally my one-day-probably-sister-in-law Megan. They offered to go downstairs for a while to give us some alone time but Diana was not going for it. As she said it a small piece of my heart broke. I am tearing up just thinking about it.
---
I just realized yesterday that I am the only one of my cousins over the age of 23 that doesn't have a kid. So, aside from my 18 year old cousin(f), my 16 year old cousin(f), my 3 year old cousin(f) and 23 year old cousin(m) I am the last holdout. People just can't keep it in their pants.
---
I found out yesterday that my ex-fiancee(from many years ago) is pregnant. After I found out I threw my hands up and told Diana, "It wasn't me!"

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 138 - Dope on a Rope

I learned to tie a knot in rope today. The task was to learn to tie a Single Wall Knot. I have never learned knot phraseology so I didn't know what it meant so after trying to follow the instructions in the book, I gave up and looked online. I found an awesome video that was extremely helpful.

It made me think, tying knots is a dying art. Unless you are out on a boat occasionally or just like to string people up you probably don't have proper knot knowledge. I sure don't.

I find it fascinating that there are so many ways to tie rope up to make it hold stuff. And the best part is that the names of the knots all sound like perverse sexual acts.

Flemish Eye Knot, Fisherman's Bend Knot, Spanish Windlass, Studding Sail Halyard Bend, and my personal favorite the Round Seizing Knot. How the heck did these things even get their names?

That is all,

Newt

Monday, May 18, 2009

TBWCYL Day 139, crap no its 137 - Bloody Hell

So, we flew home from Germany yesterday and spent 10 hours on a plane to Philidelphia and another 4 hours in the air back to Texas. Also, we had a romping 3 hour layover in Philly and I had a sore throat and runny nose all day.

So, when I got home at 10:30 pm I had to knock out a task quick so I jumped ahead a couple of days and did task 139. It was to Bleed on the book for later use for a clone. I got a pin out and pricked my finger and placed 3 little dots of Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) on the page so hopefully when they finally do get around to making a hoverboard I can be recreated and start my once dreemed of career as a professional hoverboarder.


That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 211 no thats not right...136 - Thou doth protest too much

So, for the final European vacation task, I was to go to any government run building and protest in front of it. To do this, we went to tour The Residence today which was the original home of the royal family in Germany. It is a massive complex that is now a museum and is a large tourist attraction.

Well, we went to tour the owners other castles a few days before and after touring through we found out a couple of things. King Ludwig the 2nd was deemed Mad and had to abdicate his throne. He had been engaged to a woman for 7 months before ending the engagement. He also was close with Wilhelm Richard Wagner, the famous composer, so much so that his second castle is built as a monument to Wagner and each room pays tribute to Wagner's works. So, we came up with the conclusion that Ludwig was gay.


I used the people at Wikipedia to look this up but it appears Wagner was a womanizer so either he swung both ways or Ludwig was just obsessed. Either way, I was not going to stand for his being deemed "Mad" and deposed because of it. I just couldn't handle it so I raged against the machine and showed my displeasure in front of The Residence.


I just finished reading more about it and I may have protested in vain. There is much more to the story than I thought and I think I may have been on the wrong track. Oh well, no harm in a protest that was uncalled for.

That is all,

Newt




TBWCYL Day 210 um nope its...135 - Lover Boy

So, for today I was supposed to copy the tradition of the French and take a lover. The criteria was to find someone with a significant age gap, different social background, and to only make love in garrets. I am not actually sure what those are but otherwise that seems simple to follow. Oh wait, I can't take a lover because I am married...and my wife said no.

We were back in Germany for today's task and we were in the small town of Freising this evening. I had planned on buying some older German lady a drink as a substitute for taking a lover but there were very few around at the bar we chose.

One thing about being in Europe, waiters aren't in a big hurry to get to you. While I did enjoy the sitting and chilling out, by the time I had a chance to send anything over, the older women had gone. I did blow them kisses as they left though. They didn't seem to respond.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, May 14, 2009

TBWCYL Day 209 no thats not right...134 - Gauloises to pieces

Gauloises Cigarettes are the mark of the genuine French peasant. So, for today's task I was suppose to smoke 60 Gauloises to better be able to communicate with the French. I personally hate cigarettes and despise the use of them. My parents are avid smokers, though my Father has quit and I am abundantly proud of him, so for me to smoke would make me extremely hypocritical. So, of course, I did it.

I bought a pack of 20 yesterday so I could start early. Erin, Diana and my one-day-to-be sister-in-law Megan were all extremely against the idea that I do this and tried heavily to talk me out of it, but I try to accomplish every task set forth to the best of my abilities and seeing as I am in another country and they sell the cigarettes here, I thought I could do it. I was wrong.

60 cigarettes is a lot. They come 20 to a pack for this brand so a non-smoker in taking 3 Packs in one day is just illogical. I gave it my best but it just didn't happen.

I got up at 06:00 this morning and chain smoked 5 cigarettes to start off the day. This was my first mistake because I started to get light headed and nauseous. I showered immediately to get the smell off of me and didn't have another cigarette until after lunch. I stayed steady through the rest of the day though and I now only have 5 left in the pack. However, Diana stole one out of my mouth before I could light it and smashed it and I gave another to a woman on the street who was in need so I guess I only smoked 13.

I have smoked a cigarette before, anyone who has parents who smoke has stolen them in an effort to be cool, and I didn't like it. Today reminded me why. I don't really understand how people do this on a regular basis. I felt like crap all morning, I had to stand 20 paces behind everyone while we walked if I had one lit, and my damn fingers reek. I am constantly washing my hands and still can't get the smell to go away. Also, if I wasn't outside when I lit a cigarette it just floated into my eyes and nose and stung them.

Being in Europe means smoking is so much more commonplace so I felt more welcomed then I would have back home. Still, this is a filthy habit and I haven't kissed my wife once today because she won't come near me. Come to think of it, that isn't any different than usual...hmm?

I didn't smoke 60 cigarettes but seeing as how I am not even close to a French Peasant I feel like I gave it my best effort. I am going to leave these damn things somewhere that someone can find them and get some use of them.

I am going to take another shower.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 208 no wait 133- Nipples and Sun

Today, the task was to sunbathe topless. The instructions were to go to a topless beach and, if a girl, to sunbathe topless. As a guy I was supposed to act nonchalant and pretend this was not new to me and I didn't care. Yeah right.

Prague is not known for its topless beaches though so I did a couple of things. Early this morning, I went shirtless and laid in the window of our hotel room and caught some rays. I only did this for a small time thought because it was rather chilly outside.

Also, we went and saw an awful play that did have 2 ladies topless. More on point to the task, I was suppose to act as if I didn't care but the play had been atrocious up to that point and when I saw boobies, I kind of lost it. I am sure my mouth was hanging open the entire time but the ladies were super hot so I couldn't help myself. The look of disappointment on my face when one of the ladies left and the other covered up was on par with those kids in the 'Feed the Children' campaign when they see food and then it gets eaten in front of them. It was the only highlight of the show.

So, there you have it.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

TBWCYL Day 207 wait I mean 132 - Waxing philsophical

I have to take each of the French tasks and try to adjust it for the country I am in so when I read today's task was to be, "Sit in a cafe all day writing your philosophy" I thought, "Well, German's aren't known for drinking coffee, they drink beer." Also, we were riding the train to Prague today and I had to factor that in. So, today's task became, sit in a train car all day and watch the countryside pass you by while drinking beer and writing your philosophy.

We boarded our train in Munich at 08:30 and headed to Prague where we spent 3 lovely hours on a state of the art train. I had a lovely tea to start my writing off but as soon as we entered the Czech Republic the train was stopped, we had to lug our luggage(that name finally makes sense) out of the car and onto a small bus where a man who spoke no English haphazardly drove us to a train station that could have passed for a train graveyard and we pulled ourselves onto a rusty train car and finished the journey into Prague. The countryside flew past us as we rattled in to the station. I had 2 beers over the course of the Prague journey.

So, here is my philosophy as best as I could write it.

I don't believe a single idea can ever permeates a person's being. So I live my life specifically with the ideas that if you are good to people, an occasional A-Hole, and you are kind to animals that your life should be fairly prosperous. Chivalry isn't dead and anyone who says it is can go suck an egg. Life should be fun and being a childish adult is not the same thing as being childish. I think I prove that quite frequently.

I constantly find that a person can surprise oneself and I do it often. Not sure how many people can say that though. I know almost all of my faults even if I can't always admit them, and I also know my strengths. A person should look inside themselves daily to check on both of these. If you don't you will not be able to grow as a person.

We sleep, eat, work, eat, work, repeat process. Everything else is a decision, a choice and can be a determinate of life. This book has shown me that if nothing else. We determine our own path. We choose whether to find something funny, sad, humorous, silly or tragic. Every one of these choices starts to determine a part of who we are and can be.

Always ask for the things you want because if you don't you might not get the chance to later.

I came up with that one during the train ride after I poured out half of my canned beer and Erin said, "I might have wanted that."

That was the best I could do on philosophy. I could probably come up with more at some point but the train rattled the entire ride through Prague and made it hard to write.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 206 um I mean 131 - What do you mean I look fat

Today we were to act like the French and have a fight in public. Funny thing about Munich, people are very quiet. You can step on a train and hear a toot from half a car length. In case you didn't know, my wife and I are loving bickerers. This means that fighting in public is a national past time in the Wonder Frog house.

So, I just continually argued with Diana all throughout our travels today. At one point she got mad enough at me, in arguing about an upcoming task, that she told me "I hope you get lung cancer and die." Ah love. The best part is that even if we tried to keep our bickering to a minimum volume, the quiet that this country maintains along with my wife's extremely loud voice means that anything we did came off as if using a megaphone.

Our first official day in Germany was successful otherwise. We continuously drank beer and ate mass amounts of pork. The time change wasn't hard to get use to because we just stayed up to fight jet lag. I had my first beer before 12:00 Munich time and it was a good start to the trip.

That is all,

Newt

ps. If the spelling is wrong on any of these posts, forgive me. I am using a Czech computer and spell check recognizes ever word as misspelled.

TBWCYL Day 205 er I mean 130 - Traveling

Today was "Fly to France Day" but since I don't have any interest to go to France, I have decided that my trip to Munich and Prague will have to suffice. We left Dallas a little after noon and landed in the Philadelphia airport at 5. I had what I thought was a final ice tea at breakfast but lucked into a Chick-fil-A in the airport and I got 2 more before our transatlantic flight.

We met Erin in Philly and after a 2 and a half hour layover(only 1 hour was planned) we journeyed to Munich. Suck if Frenchies.

This trip consisted of...
1. Watching the soon to be comedy classic "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey
2. Eating a pasta dish that was on par with Marie Calendar's Microwave dinner
3. A 7 Euro Jack and Coke
4. Getting 2 hours of interrupted sleep. That's right, interrupted.
5. Having the pregnant Italian lady in the seat in front of me constantly turn around and turn around and look back at her mother who was four rows behind me. It was annoying as all get out.

So, we landed in Munich at 10:00 and off we went to explore.

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, May 09, 2009

TBWCYL Vacation Time

As some of you may know, my wives and I are taking a trip abroad to visit Munich and Prague. Once you get past your jealousy, you can start on envy. Anywho, as we are going to another country, I may not be able to blog, but don't fret. That doesn't mean I will stop doing my tasks.


In fact, the book requested I go to France for a week but since I am not interested in France, I will be utilizing those pages for days 130-136 and swapping the actual 130-136 and moving them into the future. It might get a little confusing but never fear. I will get you through it. So, if I can post I will, but if not I will just play catch up and give you the posts later.


I am not taking the book with me, but I photocopied the pages I need. So, if I die of Swine Flu or drink so much beer, I will leave instructions for the book to be sent to by blog mate Kate, aka Girl Interrupted, and she will feel guilty enough that she will have to finish the book in my honor.


That is all...for now,


Newt

TBWCYL Day 129 - Bless me Father, for I have an awesome life

So, today the Book gave me a checklist to count my blessings. It assigned points and going down the list, I didn't score too bad.

Are you alive? 10 points
Are you in good health? 9 points
Do you have a partner? 7 points
Do you have regular sex? 6 points (though Diana says some things wouldn't be considered regular)
Do you have children? 0 points (I thought no kids was a blessing)
Do you have a roof over your head? 5 points
Can you feed yourself and your family? 5 points
Do you have a steady job? 3 points
Are you free from racial or sexual discrimination? 5 points (I never charge for racial or sexual discrimination. It has always been free.)
Is your country currently at peace? I took 3 out of 6 points (We are war and in a recession but the country of Newt is doing quite well so I felt it balanced out.)
Is your country well away from any geological fault lines? 6 points
Are your parents alive? 4 points (The answer was yes, by the way)
Are you still on speaking terms with them? 4 points
Have you found God? 0 points (lemme check. Nope, he is not under the couch cushion.)
Have you found yourself? 2 points (Yep, I was under the couch cushion. Wait. Does that make me God? Whoa?!)
Are your bowel movements regular? 8 points (I sometimes make Diana come look at them so she can vouch for this.)
Were you born into one of the richer social classes? 0 points (I came from the hood.)
Are you a born optimist? 6 points
Are you a born pessimist? 0 points (if this was 'yes' I was to put -6 points.)
Do you have a sense of humor? 1 point (If I said no, this was a +4. Get it?)

So I ended up with a total of 84. The Book says you score over 40 and you are luckier than 90% of the human race.

I am so lucky.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, May 08, 2009

TBWCYL Day 128 - Fresh and Fruity

So, today is try a new fruit day so I went and bought 2 different fruits to sample.

The first is a Cherimoya from Santa Barbara. It resembles a dragon egg and is kind of soft. I had Diana join me in this exercise and it is official. The Cherimoya has no smell and tastes like squishy vomit. It was nasty and I don't recommend it.












The second is an Ugli fruit from Jamaica. It was next to the oranges and at one point I was pretty sure this was all an elaborate ploy to sell old fruit by putting a sticker on it. I threw caution to the wind and tried it anyway though.

As we cut into it, I was surprised that it had a sort of resemblance to an orange. It is the size of a grapefruit, tastes like a mixture of orange and lemon, and when you eat a piece, the texture is very rough. It has a rough sack-like quality that made it hard to eat. I ended up squeezing the juice out and drinking some of it.













This was pretty fun. I did spend 7 bucks for the two pieces so that was unpleasant but otherwise it was pretty interesting and I had never heard of either of these fruits so my boundaries are now expanded.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, May 07, 2009

TBWCYL Day 127 - Makin' Copies

So, today's task has the possibility to be extremely cruel. I had to leave a memo on the copier at work...a fake memo. It had the headline of 'Layoffs' and I went ahead and wrote some initials of people who work with me on it.

I left this 8 1x2 x 11 atom bomb on the copier glass right before 5 and I hope to hell whoever finds it either recognizes it as fake or doesn't recognize my handwriting.

We just had a round of layoffs a couple of weeks ago and this might hit a little bit closer to home than normal. The Book never was one for using a soft touch so I hope that it isn't too damaging. I doubt anyone will take it to seriously though...at least for my sake.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

TBWCYL Day 126 - I'll take one of everything

So, today I was to exercise my full rights as a consumer by purchasing prepackaged material by the unit. I wasn't sure I really wanted to get into a fight with a store manager so I got creative. I went to the local Target(pronounced Tar-je) and bought one of every Jelly Belly Jelly Bean they offered. You are allowed to mix and match flavors but I took it to the extreme.

I went around and picked out one of each flavor they offered and ended up buying about 30 beans. So, I sort of stuck it to the man by breaking conformity and I now get to eat all the beans and see if I can tell what flavors they are. I won't actually know if I am correct but it will be a fun experiment all on it's own.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

TBWCYL Day 125 - I thought a Horoscope was a sex toy

Today's task is to follow the stars by following my horoscope to the letter. The problem is, the book lists my horoscope, for Virgo, as "Single? Today hit on someone whose name starts with K and ends in D." I don't know what to do because I am not single. I did forget to wear my wedding ring today but that is a total coincidence.

So, I got on MSN and found a new horoscope.

"Your probing mind may be detecting a bit of a hesitation from a close loved one of yours, dear Virgo. It could be that either a family member or a romantic partner is the one in question at this time. Perhaps this person is suddenly pulling their energy back. Beware of doing the same without first understanding the original cause for this action. Jumping to conclusions is extremely detrimental to the relationship."

I don't feel like my probing mind is detecting anything though. I don't question my wife. She was pulling her butt cheeks closed last night in bed because she had some really bad gas, and I was pulling my hands to my face to try to avoid the smell, but that was more my probing nose that detected that.

I am not really sure what the heck this means though.

So, I checked the Dallas Morning News and guess what? "You're almost in a position to generate a lot of money. Can you tell which way to turn? When you figure it out, be there first." What? I was shooting for some lotto numbers or something. And it said my day should be an 8 on a 1 to 10 scale. That hasn't happened.

This was not helpful. In fact, horoscopes are stupid. They never say "Avoid 2nd Street" or "Don't pass gas on the elevator, it has an important person riding with you". It is so generic and that is why people fall for this crap. I guess I was meant to gleam from today that horoscopes are only good for me to laugh at.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, May 04, 2009

TBWCYL Day 124 - Polly needs a sensor

So, today I was to go buy a parrot and teach it to say all of the things that you always wanted to say but culture and etiquette stop you. I drove around to a few stores before I found the perfect one. His name was 'Polly'(original right?) and...well...things didn't turn out so well.

video

Polly is in a better place now.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, May 03, 2009

TBWCYL Day 123 - What's the number for 911?

So, today I was to learn an Emergency First Aid procedure. Over Memorial Day I am going to be spending time with my best friend and Hetero Life Mate Thomas and my god-daughter Addison. We are going to be taking care of her while her mom is out of town. Sort of like 'My Two Dads' for 2009. I am not Paul



So, to help calm Jessica's nerves and fears for her child's life, I chose to learn Infant CPR today. I found an informative video online that was very helpful. The instructor taught the Red Cross Process of the 3 C's. Check, Call, Care.

Check the scene and victim.
Call 911.
Care for the victim.

What are the ABC's of Care? Airway, Breathing, Circulation.

So, after you check for breathing and clear any obstructions you are supposed to be checking the pulse. Did you know you check a baby's pulse near their shoulder? Addison is safer already.

I learned a few things after watching this video. If you have a pulse, do not do chest compressions. I would have and that would have been unnecessary. Also, vomiting is not a sign of life. So can dead people vomit? Hmm.

So, to do CPR I have to do 30 chest compressions and 2 breaths 5 times in 2 minutes. I hope I can remember that if I need it. I did know that you only use 2 fingers to CPR a baby. That is one piece of info you do not want to forget. Otherwise your suffocating baby might turn out to look like Wilie Coyote after he falls off the cliff.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 121 & 122 - Mustn't see TV

Well, it is late Sunday and I have now gone an entire weekend without watching TV. It was honestly not at all hard. Here are a couple of close encounters.

Before boarding the plane back to Dallas on Saturday, I went to breakfast with my father and in the restaurant they had a small television on that was showing the weather. I instinctively looked up and caught myself and avoided it.

During the weekend, I went to Austin for a bachelor party and the guys I was with turned on the TV. I sat with my back to it and when someone pointed something out I just told them that I couldn't watch it. They were actually pretty respectful and turned it off.

So, what did I do this weekend to keep myself off TV. Well, as I said I was in Austin for a bachelor party so we went and did 4 hours of paintball, went to an awesome dinner on 6th street at Lamberts BBQ, barhopped, and played some poker. I drove home today and mowed my lawn and I am currently exhausted and have no want to watch TV.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, May 01, 2009

TBWCYL Day 121 & 122 - TV will rot your brain

My task for today actually encompasses 3 days of real time and 2 days of book for I am not allowed to watch TV this weekend. So, because the weekend starts at 5 o'clock on Friday, I am going to not watch any TV if at all possible.

I had hoped to be able to pull off all of Friday as well but alas, that was not to be. I am in Roswell, New Mexico right now and due to this I must plan to begin at 5 for a few reasons. First, as I said above, the weekend doesn't officially start until Friday at 5 pm. Also, I am here for a funeral and the husband of the deceased has kept the Country Music channel on all day before the service and I am not telling a grieving man that he can't have his CMT.

Since this encompasses 2 days, I will blog about the results on Sunday night.

That is all,

Newt